The Recherché, Fallacious and the Unprepossessing

I guess, it's actually WINTER!

2010-12-05T06:40:00.000-08:00

LAST POST EVER ON THIS BLOG!

So it snowed. I'm excited. I never used to get excited about snow in Cary, because it usually sucks. But this time it looks clean, and crisp (and a little bit wet...yuck) and fresh! Yay!

So it's almost been a year, soon - on Dec 11th (coming up) is my immune system/my new birthday! I will be having cake. Ha! But there's really no point in going on with this blog. I'm sure it's boring people to death/no one except a few dedicated people (thank you!!) read this.

However, just for the blog's sake, I will update. I did happen to encounter a virus recently (Thanksgiving was bunch of fun, I got to go out and EAT, and see FRIENDS! but I also go sick...) and had to go to the hospital to be watched. And it caused my GI tract to stop moving, so the stuff and air just got stuck and gave me a lot of pain...poo. Anyways, I'm getting better. I had a slight fever, lots of coughing and sputum that was yucky brown/green colored. I couldn't eat anything good for like a week. Anyways, I guess I have the flu virus or something, but it hit harder than for normal people.

But I'm getting better so praise God!

Can't wait for my cake! And for moving on to a new chapter of life. I actually am considering transferring to UNC now... my body is definitely not strong. But I think if I were to go to Chicago again, God will give me strength. After all I felt really called to go there in the first place. We'll see. Well goodbye dear readers! I will have a new blog, but it won't be really directly relate to my transplant process/recovery. Here's the address anyways (I doubt any of the occasional adults who read this blog would care for the new one..) greymattermusings.blogspot.com

I haven't gotten much on it yet, but will I hope, keep up better with this new one than this one. Kaaay! Byyye.
<3 Sarah

The rain, on the plain, in spain?

2010-11-04T07:52:00.000-07:00

I am looking outside, to the back porch, and it looks glorious. Yes it is rainy and gloomy, but I quite like it. I'm glad the weather has gone down, though I no longer have enough fat to keep me warm...

A week after the last post, I had some stomach problems (it hurt a little for a day or so) because I think I ate too many tangerines and clementines that week...so I haven't had any since then. I also had a bad day when I ate too much steak one day. So I guess even if I'm trying to gain weight quickly, it wont come.

My iron levels are still too high - which is ironic right? Because most Asians I know are anemic, and lacking what I have in surplus. So tomorrow I will go to the hospital again and they will try to draw a pint of blood to throw away so it can lower my iron levels. I'm praying hard that it will succeed, because last time we tried this, they poked me FIVE times before giving up because apparently none of my veins (which are over used) will take in a iv needle. SIGH.

Well, nothing much on my end. Last time I checked my blood, my red blood cells were low - I don't know why since they've been normal for a while...But anyways, hopefully when I'm a little stronger, I will be able to attend church again! Yay! I'm very excited, since I think maybe that goal can be achieved this month. So I'm hoping to see some of you at church, yay!

<3

the beginning of the end, and to a new beginning

2010-10-20T08:04:00.000-07:00

If that makes any sense...

So update time! Basically I'm almost all clear for any kinds of foods - I started eating clementines last week which is a big deal, because up til last week I wasn't allowed to eat "sour"/acidic foods. I've been tolerating pretty well, praise God! I've also had hot pot last week, which I know is kind of early, but I LOVE hot pot, especially my mommy's sauce with stinky tofu and shachajiang and other stuff. TOP SECRET haha. She accidentally made it really spicy the first time, and I had some - but it didn't hurt my tummy. (Though I'm sure it would have, if I kept it up...I'm sure) So that means I can tolerate a little bit of spicy and acidic now, which is a big deal.

Once I get my immunization shots, then I can go out and hopefully eat a hamburger! Yay!
Oh I made some more food, that I have pictures for.I tried to make some french toast with bacon and raspberries for my brother one morning.
And I made some steak and mashed potatoes for dinner once. Yummy! I overcooked it though...but I can't have like bloody meat so, I guess I have an excuse...

Also, last Saturday, I went "mountain" climbing at Eno River State Park. I think the highest point there was 700 feet, which I suppose is a mini-mountain in this state. I made it almost to the top of the 700 feet, but GOSH, climbing up that steep of a mountain was very difficult for me. BUT I ALMOST MADE IT! I walked like two miles, about, that day - that's pretty good for me now! I have some pictures. It was very beautiful...I'm so happy when I don't have to be stuck at home, it's really depressing being home all the time.
The suspension bridge at the Eno River - very freaaaky!
The river!, before climbing up the big stinky, steep mountain. I look terrible. yuuucky.

Oh I went to adventure landing to play a while back, I think I mentioned it. Here's go carts!
Yay for fun!
<3

Falllllll

2010-10-06T07:30:00.000-07:00

Three cheers for fall, officially. Since a week ago, it was too hot to actually be fall - autumn, whatever you wish to call it. I'm happy with the weather. Very nice and cool, very windy, very good.

So I think I'm going to stop this blog after I turn immunologically 1, because really, my life is pretty boring. I'm going to go work on my other blog after this.

Update time! So basically for all of you who are wondering, I don't get any more treatments, I'm recovering very nicely. I do go to the bone marrow clinic occasionally to get checkups. Soon I will get my immunization shots, then I'll be like a free bird! I'm hoping to visit friends at UNC, go back to church, and join AO for as long as I'm going to be here, and do other fun things...like GO TO THE LIBRARY!...hahaha because I'm a nerd. Sigh.

I've been taking walks every morning and night, always avoiding the sun of course, and it's been quite tiring. I still get tired very easily, and I occasionally forget to take my pills. My brain just isn't what it was before.

But to the request of my dear, lovely friend who reads this ever so faithfully, here are some pictures of those Momofuku pork buns, and some canto styled bbq pork ribs (no I'm not Cantonese...). They turned out DELISH. I guess I'm a natural born cook (wink wink) - haha, just kidding.

These are baked pork belly with hoisin sauce and pickles/cucumbers fresh, with scallions. YUMMMY. David Chang is genius.
Broiled bbq pork ribs.

No pictures of the mustard and pork belly sorrrry.
Maybe I'll update pictures later if I ever get to cooking again. Cooking is tiring for me, standing around, mixing stuff and all that. I had to like sit at the table and mix the flour and stuff for the pork buns. SO WEAK.

I'm gaining weight! Mostly from eating all this junk, ha.

So yeah, I don't think I want to transfer. I think it's funny how most of the UChicago students are telling me I shouldn't and all the adults here are telling me I should. I just really don't feel like God is directing me towards UNC or Duke or whatever else. I mean I asked Him to give me a notable sign if I should transfer, but so far nothing.

Now my dad is going crazy about wanting to find a job in Chicago and moving the whole family there, HA. That will never work because my family hates the cold. My mom is already complaining about the weather here, and it's not even below 50 yet. Oi.

Well, ta ta until next time!
<3

Let's be interactive here...

2010-09-23T10:31:00.001-07:00

Hello faithful readers!
Thanks again for actually caring about my boring, and do I mean boring. But I suppose I try to make it sound more exciting for you, out there, reading.

I have a wonderful idea, it's almost like the enlightenment of blogging - like the renaissance of blogging! How about all you dear readers, if you have time because I know your life is much more eventful than mine, leave me comments! Then I feel like I am actually talking to someone.

I was thinking about this because recently my parents have gotten even more aggressive with their "suggestions" at transferring school for next year. In fact they offered to buy me a new car if I agree to such prosperous (or maybe not?) idea. Here's how the conversation kind of went:

Mom or Dad: "You should transfer schools because that way we can barge in on you anytime we like and make sure you stay a baby and dependent on us forever - and so that we can regulate you're every move and therefore you will no longer have any freedom...MWAHAHAHA
(translate: you should transfer schools so we can take care of you so you wont get sick from stressing out too much and we can make you food -even if chinatown's restaurant food is much better- and you'll be closer to home so we can visit you and you can come home every weekend!)"
Me: "No."
Mom or Dad (see I don't remember the details): "If you go to school here, we can buy you a new car!"
Me: "Ha.ha. That's funny. I want a BMW."
Dad (it was def him): "That can be worked out!"
Me (staring in disbelief): "Um, no it can't. We don't have any money..."
Dad: "We can borrow money!"
Me: "WE'RE ALREADY IN DEBT!!!"

I forgot what my dad said, but it was stupidly optimistic...haha. Three things I conclude from this: 1. My parents are clearly desperate/love me too much to be even offering this (and yes it is in earnest, not in a joking way) 2. I think I rather have a Mustang, in classic red, just like the good ol Chinese I am 3. Bribes are very good at convincing me to change my stubborn mind - which would make me a terrible court judge or jury or whatever (ha!).

But now I have a good reason to transfer (a car!) and a reason to NEVER transfer (we clearly don't have money to buy some ridiculous new car, or even a used one). Of course Uchicago is like 10 times more expensive than UNC, but I get some grant money...sigh. There are pros and cons to everything.
Which is why I would appreciate your comments :) Tell me what you think please.

On the other hand, I've been working on my cooking. I've semi mastered the taste of meicaikourou (which dried preserved mustard and bork belly, poached), the first time I put too much sugar, following the recipe. I realized this is because I am following a Cantonese person's cookbook, and apparently they love their sugar. It still looks like doggie doo, but tastes pretty good :) Then I tried some barbecue pork ribs, broiled yesterday night. ERM!! I don't know how to use a broiler, so I charred one side of it before realizing I should have used the LOW setting instead of the HIGH. I also used too much Hoisin (that's haixian for the rest of us Chinese) sauce...again following the recipe. I did use my brain and pre-cut the amount of honey I used (thank goodness!!). Anyways cooking is much fun! Soon I hope to learn how to make Beijing duck. SOOOOO excited! Yay.

Well, I guess it's karma.

2010-09-17T16:46:00.000-07:00

Now that I have officially established that I fail at keeping updates on my blog, I think I have managed to lose most of my readers...right at the time I decided to reform. Oh well, here goes to talking to myself, and the emptiness of the world wide web. Cheers.

So...lately I've been thinking about how weird it is, my position in life...or my life in general. In terms of years, technically I'm 20 years old, physically (organ wise) I'm like 50 years old because of all the wear and tear of treatment, immunologically I'm not even 1 years old, and emotionally I sometimes feel like an 8 year old, sometimes an 80 year old.

GOSH. Now how does that work out? I mean sure there are people who are like "child at heart" or like "too mature for their age" or whatever the cliche is, but this is ridiculous.

I just wanted to post about this because I find it really, really odd. That's all.

Oh yeah. I'm going through STEROID withdraw. All good citizens refrain from calling the police to rat me out, all policemen refrain from jumping into your little nifty alarm capable, blue and white cars and racing over to my house - it was prescribed. Whew. I mean after all I'm not a baseball player, nor am I a woman seeking to look like a man (do I need help in that apartment... NO. And yes I do remember all those nasty little fiends that said "Oh Sarah, you're soooooo MANLY" in high school. But don't worry, because Jesus forgave me, I forgive you as well. OTHERWISE, you might be in trouble...mwahaha...).

So no I am not either of those, I am just a sick person who's body became addicted to steroids. Now, steroid withdraw comes with nasty little side effects like muscle ache, and overall body discomfort. Fun fact: it's because cortisol (fight or flight hormone) (which is apparently in steroids) is naturally produced, but when the body has outside sources of it, its adrenal glands stop producing it on its own. So when I stopped taking my steroids, as ordered by doctor, my adrenal glands have yet to wake up and start producing hormones again. So, the conclusion is, I feel yucky and awful (not quite the same thing) for a few days. Well it's been 5, but hey who's counting? Hopefully misery will be over soon! Always hopeful!
<3

***OPPS. I guess cortisol isn't the actual fight or flight hormone (my physician lied to me!), it's the other thing that the adrenal gland produces. But cortisol is increased during fight or flight...Anyways I don't know what is in steroids...so I Googled it. Here's what I got from http://www.marvistavet.com/html/body_prednisone.html "Prednisone and prednisolone are members of the glucocorticoid class of hormones. This means they are steroids but, unlike the anabolic steroids that we hear about regarding sports medicine, these are "catabolic" steroids. Instead of building the body up, they are designed to break down stored resources (fats, sugars and proteins) so that they may be used as fuels in times of stress. Cortisone would be an example of a related hormone with which most people are familiar. Glucocorticoids hormones are produced naturally by the adrenal glands to prepare us metabolically for physical exercise and stress."

We learn new things everyday!

I fail at keeping a blog...

2010-09-14T11:11:00.001-07:00

Well hello people.

My dad stopped his little calender, and I think there are still some people who want to read my blog updates (or at least one, which is I suppose, enough reason for me to continue).

It's been 9 months! I can't believe it. I hope that I get a yummy cake on December 11th, for my 1st year birthday - haha. My mom's birthday is coming up next month, as well as my parents 21st anniversary! I got my mom some face products from Sephora.

I sometimes wonder what my mom was like when she was my age, and how she turned out the way she did. I think as we kids grow older, our parents grow wiser (haha).

There's not much to update really. Since the last time I updated, I finished 6 seasons of House because I'm an official loser. I've reduced my pill intake to only two a day (one type of pill - antiviral). I ordered these two awesome cookbooks and am working my way through them one at a time. And then yesterday I watched "Julie&Julia", which I was quite inspired by. Though I am not cooking through Julia Child's cookbook (since the ones I ordered are Asian food: Chinese one, and Momofuku) it's kind of cool to see someone journal their journey through something. I've always had the problem that Julia Powell did - and that is starting projects with full force then never finishing them. Take for example, my novel (ha.ha...) which I wrote 60 something pages to, and just left it there, TWICE. Actually the first time I wrote it, I left it at almost 100 pages, but then I decided it sucked, so I started over from page 1 and wrote 60. I think I will start another blog for my writing, so that I can actually achieve something, other than wasting my time.
Actually, I already have another blog set up for creative writing, but obviously, I suck at blogging, so it's been left abandoned.

Well overall, my health is getting better, I take longer walks now, and can ALMOST jog constantly for a short time. My weight has reached 115 lbs, which is a lot better than the 109 lbs it was a month, or so, ago. I have more energy and have been skipping my afternoon naps, sometimes. And I miss human interaction...haha. I feel like I'm a caveman or something. Or a houseman...since I live in a house, not a cave (har har).

I'm very excited about the new health law, yay for better health insurance! I'll try to do weekly updates on this blog, for those few who read it :) I'm actually really surprised people would want to read my blog, I feel like blogging is so narcissistic...unless it had a specific point to it. I suppose this is my "health/post transplant" blog...haha.

<3

woooa...schools around the corner - for most of you

2010-07-28T08:33:00.000-07:00

so that sore throat of mine became a flow blown sore throat along with fever and all that...i was put on two new pills for a while, but now am coming off of them again (one was an anti fungal, one was an antiviral). i got a shot this two mondays ago, to boost my red blood cell growth, so they can take a unit of blood away again next time to reduce my iron levels. except when i went for a checkup this past monday, they decided that they weren't going to draw any more of my blood, and just let my iron levels lower themselves. just this past week i've been feeling all nauseous, and have been vomiting from friday middle of the night to during the day time, a total of 4 times, then again starting saturday middle of the night, vomiting two times. i went to the clinic, got an abdominal xray and apparently there wasn't anything wrong besides "a lot of poop" aka i was constipated and hurting from that. oh did i mention i was in A LOT of belly pain and was taking a lot of pain medication (which was increasing my constipation...ironic isnt it?).

but that still doesn't explain the nausea, which i still have right now. i think it was the shot. usually the epo has reactions within 3 days, but this shot's formula is slower acting...so the side effects are showing up now...2 weeks later. SIGH. it is not comfortable. but at least this time around i get 2 months break, before i have to go back to the clinic again! YAY! thanks for all the prayers! hopefully this will be a good 2 months (as soon as this nausea goes away...).

i think the weather lately has been terrible. i don't like hot and muggy...i don't see how i survived so many years of north carolina weather - heh. i suppose i wouldn't mind it so much if i liked wearing little clothing or what not, but i'm not too into that either - i'm a big fan of layer and knits - so i suppose chicago was a good choice for me.

i did, however, enjoy the rain, very much.

in between all of those discomforting days, i had a good week (or so). my good friend, cindy wei, came over to my house to stay for a few days. we went to see despicable me at the theaters (matinee of course, when no one was there...thought actually - surprisingly - there were a lot of people there on a sunday afternoon PEOPLE GO TO CHURCH!!!...i still can't - irony again). we watched a lot of HOUSE md, and other random, useless things.

you know what i've discovered...you know how we're told to read the Bible everyday, and sometimes you just don't feel like it (or rather, i'll speak for myself, i don't feel like it) or i feel like "oh i'm too busy now, i'll do it later". but recently i've been feeling none of those excuse, but one of another genre. the one that goes "what new thing can i get out of the bible anyways, i've read it so many times" and "what if what i read today doesn't even really apply to my life" (i asked that a lot while reading through jeremiah...and am now stuck in lamentations...) but yesterday night i had a revelation, while watching House (which I do almost religiously now). i realized why, so many years ago, i gave up watching horror movies - it was because a youth group leader (i forgot her name) told me once that whatever you take in is whatever you put out. whether that's food, what what you watch or what you read, or the people that you hang out with. well, last night, as i was watching house, i realized that i've made HOUSE my bible almost, i listen to his words, what he says and does, and praise him for his actions in the show more than i read God's words, listen to what He says, studies what He did in the past and is doing in the present, and praise God for who He is. So it's like people saying "i've made money my God/idol" or whatever, I've been substituting other things for God - not on purpose of course. But just the sheer frequency and amount of time i spend with Dr. Gregory House, as opposed to reading the Bible and speading time with God. I think, even if I don't get anything out of it IMMEDIATELY, it will still have an effect, just like all the other things i am putting into my head will.

anyways, having said that i still need help getting through lamentations and a few of the other prophets, haha. working on it though!

well i suppose i'll update later. have a good HOT HOT day!
<3

sugar and spice, and all things nice

2010-07-15T14:11:00.000-07:00

that does well to describe how my birthday weekend went. i was flattered with the presence of two groups of friends, one on friday night (my actual birthday) and one on saturday night. and endowed with many gifts including Life, the game of (though of course it is a good remind of another year of life...itself) bubble gum machine, cake (the carrot variety as well as the chocolate, and i want more cake!!) make up, yay it always makes me happy to be able to paint my face, and lots and lots of balloons. tehe almost like in UP. but not enough to lift heavy (or not so) little me up skyward.

anyhows it was a good birthday. thank you all who made it ever so special and to my wonderful parents and my overly excited brother who, i think, was mostly excited about getting cake. haha. and for playing taboo with me :D because i like playing games.

um. reminds me of my card playing days back in high school....

anyways. i got my cathater pulled out of my chest the other day, reduced the number of pills so i only have to take 3 instead of the assortment that would make even a grandmother in a retirement home proud, or queasy. um. all in all God has provided faithfully and beyond imagination, and has made becoming 20 a very good thing. i suppose turning 19 was not too bad either, but it was in a hospital...

anyways yesterday i developed a sore throat...umm... hope it's not what a sore throat usually means. ugh. having a good time playing monopoly with my brother and father, who insists on not buying property and losing very badly... oh well. this is why he's not in business - haha! joking.

nothing much to this update really. just thanks for all the friends who came, to my parents for putting up with me, and for the friends in chicago who sent me love and for not forgetting me (even though i've been gone for quite a long time) and for all the people still praying for me!
<3

it's july already?

2010-07-03T13:35:00.001-07:00

goodness, time goes by fast, does it not?
though i didn't feel that time went by so quickly when i was in school. i'd always be looking at the next deadline, and always wasting time, then rushing at the end to make it in time...what a funny thing, time is. we either always have too much or not enough.

well anyways, since the last post, my CMV virus (i think that's redundant...) is negative, which means it no longer poses as a threat, praise God! there are many things to praise God for this month. It's my birthday soon! It's the 4th of july, which is like a huge holiday (with lots of yummy foods i cant eat...haha)...i recently received a HUGE financial aid for my duke health bill, no more stress over money!! it's been a whole year since i've been diagnosed and i'm still alive, amazingly (considering how i treated myself when i first got sick, i'm surprised i didn't die, again...thank the Lord), and recovering! um i have T-cells again...which is a good thing i assure you. And there are much much more to praise God for, so i'll end my list here.
oh and i get a week off from going to clinic, thank goodness. though i've gotten pretty chummy with the nurses there. is that the right word?

anyways i think, as i am about to leave my teens forever, and become 20 in a few days, i have learned quite a lot this past year. one thing is the lesson of waiting, which produces hope patience faith, and whoa! it was a hard lesson. i'm still not really getting the hang of it. i know a lot of people are reading my blog and thinking that all i do is eat cookies and pizza everyday - and that is the complete opposite, but i blog about it, because it's a big deal in my life. i've used food as goal points - haha. like before i couldnt have any solid food, it was to have chicken noodles, and then after that (when i was only eating noodles and soup, gah that got so overused) my goal was rice and stirfried stuff, then PIZZA, and cookies and ice cream, now it's umm (haha) FRENCH FRIES. yummy.
but the point is, my dad told me that perhaps God took away my favorite thing to do (which is to eat), to teach me self discipline, control, and how to wait. i think this is very true. i was reading about abraham this morning, and seriously how long did HE have to wait for God's covanent? i mean he just packed up everything and moved but didnt really get to see it all happen (and not even completely) til the end of his life. but man, if anyone has immortality in the worldly sense (does that make sense?) it's abraham. there are mulitple nations that call him their ancestors, and he's known as the father of all of us christians, through faith...i suppose waiting can't be a terrible thing - haha. though i dont want to be a father of a nation...

and of course all my food goals are junk food because the healthy foods, i still cant have!! like corn (which will be my goal for next year july) and i REALLY want a salad. but gosh these raw things have germs.

anyways. waiting. i think that's what i'll be doing a lot during my 20th year of life. as well as this past year. well at least waiting before i can go back to school. but i think, like abraham, i will fill my waiting years with meaningful growth and "stuff"...for the lack of a better word.

anyways, thanks for reading! leave me comments if you like to :) i enjoy reading them.
<3

quick update

2010-06-10T08:13:00.001-07:00

hey peoples who have time to read this
how do you do.

since the last update, i got a virus, named CMV (don't know how to spell whatever it stands for...you can always look it up). i'm sure if you read my dad's calender, you will already know this. anyways, so i have been going to the clinic everyday for my antiviral meds and therefore have not had time to update the blog (though i always find a reason not to update, besides the obvious - that i'm lazy).

the foscarnet (the med for CMV) has given me funny side effects, like fuzzy vision, and numb face, and arms and legs. not exactly very fun. then i got a fever like last week monday? well it was during memorial day, and i had to go to the hospital at 5 am. then i got a bunch of antibiotics and had that going for a week. not that fun either. but now i don't have to go to clinic every day (yay!) since i'm getting the foscarnet iv at home, on a little pump.

also i've been doing much better, and have eaten PIZZA FINALLY!!!! and lasagna the other night. and lots of chocolate chip cookies...though my stomach has started to hurt again (opps... still don't know the exact reason) so my mom is not allowing me to eat cookies anymore :(

but i have faith that i will get better and better! God won't let me down. yay! generally speaking, i've been more happy than i have been when i could eat anything i wanted and could do anything i wanted during school last year. it's funny how ironic that is. hope you all learn that without having to have cancer.

i've also been very sad lately thinking about all the unfortunate families that have to experience death with cancer. my prayers are with them, though i cannot show another other ways of my concern.

well that is all for now! i can't believe i'm not blabbing on...

summmerrrr is almost here!

2010-05-26T17:10:00.000-07:00

which actually means very little to me, since it's not like i work, or go to school right now, so really it's summer 24-7 for me :D good times.

in fact, it has been a very good time for me. i don't think anyone would say they want cancer, but i think this has been a blessed time. even though i've mentioned this months before, the feeling is always renewed, and i feel very blessed to be with my family, to spend time with my parents and brother that i didn't have before. my brother insists that i look like a monk, since i wonder around the house always wearing this new red plaid poncho i bought from forever21 for like 4 dollars, and of course because i'm bald, haha. i enjoy my brother's company. then i like taking walks in the neighborhood with my dad, and we talk about life because we're that concerned with such grand ideas - haha. and then i bicker and banter with my mom on our way to the clinic or hospital, and at home while we do some cleaning. lately we've been working our way through all the junk on our bookshelf. we came across my brother's pre-k "year book" thing, and they had quotes from all of the students. some of my brother's were "it's better to be late than a duck" (don't really know what that means...) and "my father knows my mother worries him" (said by a 4 year old, made me laugh really hard) and "too much of a good thing is helpless".

i think God gives wisdom to little kids just to humble us old ones, it's quite a pleasent and shocking thing to discover. my mother and i had a good laugh over some of the stuff we found. and we found a bunch of cards from friends and church members, which always reminds me of how much support we have through hard times. i was reading a devotional today about how God ordains 2 entities, the family and the church. it's good to know that both have been there for me through this time, and blessed to know that i have both, some people only have one, or none.

anyways, i've been doing much better lately. havent had any bloody anythings since my last post, and finding that faith really does take patience, and healing really does take a lot of faith. i think a lot of times, we as christians don't get anything done, or can't achieve the "great things" we see other spiritual giants do because we don't believe that God can do it. of course you're thinking "that's silly, OF COURSE God can do anything" but when it comes down to facing those waves and storm, it's hard to still hold onto it right? i've been listening to sermons on tape, and this pastor was talking about the way God does things - and how a lot of times things don't get accomplished because 1. we dont have the right mindset/heart 2. it's not that God doesn't want to do it, or that He doesn't want to use us, but we don't believe that the God who placed the stars in the sky can, say for example, heal a simple GI blood. after all what is my intestines to the galaxy? umm...what is man to God's glory.

so it's a good thing i learned this lesson, or perhaps i would have prevented my healing for even longer. but no more! and i am healed! just now on the road to recovery. so my weight is still a little below (or a lot?) what it should be, at 115 lbs for a 5'8''...I lost like 30lbs in this transplant process...goodness! but anyways God sustains, and i've been eating a great deal more than a pear! (hehe) i've also been grocery shopping a couple times now (masked and looking like a bandit, or even worse, a person with swine flu or SARS or something - yes people run away from me in public, how embarassing). but grocery shopping has been a good way to be introduced back into the world of people (even if they run away from the bald masked lady - or is it a man? i dont think they can tell until i open my mouth) soon (hopefully) i will be allowed to attend church! and have visitors! yay!

i am hopeful and ever faithful in my never changing, ever loving God. you should too :)

until next time, cheerios (honey nut)!
<3

i just ate a pear

2010-04-29T15:23:00.000-07:00

so who cares right?
well, i'm very happy about it, because it's the first pear i've eaten since i can't remember when (not counting the canned fruit that i've had). fresh, juicy pear, so good! thank the Lord i can eat fresh pear now, sounds silly, but it's a step forward...

anyways, i have good news to report! so i was talking about faith in my last post (well, it seems i've been talking about faith a lot, because i'm finding that i don't have as much as i thought i had or would like to have), and how much power God gives us through Jesus in prayer. so for the longest time i had been praying that God would heal those little oozing, bleeding before the end of april, and as i saw the days of april pass, and i still black stool (yes, we're back to poo), i was loosing faith, but like i said, reading John encouraged me again, and i told myself "have faith Sarah, God is faithful, and true to His word" so i prayed and tried my hardest to believe (which is hard for me, because i'm such an evidence person, like Thomas, if i see it i can believe it, but to walk by faith and not by sight is hard). so yesterday and today i've had NORMAL POOP, in case you want a description (haha) that means it's nice and brown/yellowish, aka not black (black stool is a sign of bleeding). YAY! if this continues (which it will, because God is the ultimate Healer), and my GI bleeding completely stops i can start eating real food! (like a pear)

anyways PRAISE THE LORD, like always :)

i've also been getting more and more days off from going to clinic, technically. some of the iv stuff that i'm taking, if i have good digestion, i'll be taking them in pill form soon. i hate pills, but anyways, i'm on the road to being completely healed! praise the Lord!

i'm going to try to update more often these days, or at least when i'm feeling well. til next time, ciao!
<3

i almost saw the pearly gates...

2010-04-07T18:16:00.000-07:00

or so i was told, by my mom and the nurses at the clinic and the doctors...clearly i was near death. Actually my mom says i almost died TWICE, which is probably true.

but first, hello again people who actually read this blog. thanks for reading, and for caring, and for praying. with all these prayers i would not have made it, i know this for sure. and i haven't really kept in contact with people in the world, maybe because i feel a longing for the world at the same time i feel contempt for it. i want to be in it, but i'm annoyed that it goes on happily without me. i'm still such a bitter person. but i'm learning to let that go, after all this is an opportunity that God has given me, for what i do not really know yet, since i'm STILL BLEEDING!!!

okay, so some of you may read my dad's calender updates, so you already know, but i suppose most of you don't? unless i told you. first lets get the difference between clinic and the hospital clear, since it isn't for some (like me, i wouldn't really have known either unless i went through all this). sometimes i'm at the hospital, which means the main building, where it's inpatient, which means you sleep there and eat there and live there, while the docs poke at you. clinic is where you go see the doctor but you have to make an appointment and stuff, it's outpatient. anyways, i think most of you know that, i'm just making sure. so at clinic i get iv supplements and stuff, like potassium and magnesium, blood, platelets, stuff like that. Since the last post i had an interesting/dangerous/deadly encounter with GI bleeding. GI being my gastric intestinal whatever. what does it actually stand for i don't know...but let me update:

i was at clinic and i needed to poo, so i was about to get up to go to the bathroom, when my tummy started hurting REALLY BADLY. and for the longest time too. i always get tummy pains, i still do occasionally (in which i take some deloted --spelling?-- type of morphine, stronger than the old morphine pills i was taking, because those didn't work), but that one time was really intense. but anyways i had to poo (as my friends would laugh and say, i always say i need to poo...)so i went, and relieved myself, except at the end little chunks of blood was coming out. i got back to my seat (in the clinic you get to sit in these reclining chairs, or if your lucky, you get a room and a bed) then suddenly ALL THIS BLOOD STARTED COMING OUT. (if you get grossed out easily, please skip to the next section) i mean it was a lot, it came out in clots like sausage links. at first i thought i had pooped my guts out, i was freaked out, and then i started blacking out (since i suppose you do when you lose a lot of blood all at once), and all these people gathered around me and a group of extra doctors where gathered in the corner whispering about how they didn't think i'd make it (aka = she's going to die). so they called 911, ordered 3 bags of blood and platelets and started squeezing fluid into me IV (because my condition got so bad, they couldn't get a blood pressure out of me). anyways...they got me to the er, gave me blood send me to radiology and did an operation on me where they put this metal coil in my blood vessel (the bleeding one) to stop the bleeding, and all this happened within 3 hours.

it's weird, because the whole time i had no idea how dangerous the situation was. all i knew was that a bunch of blood was coming out into my pants, and they were poking me here and there with needles trying to get another iv in, and my mom was crying walking next to me while they wheeled me around in the er bed, then the hospital's portable beds, kept saying "Sarah?...Sarah!" i was of course just grunting in reply when i could, but sometimes i had no strength to reply back, then she'd freak out even more, and i, still conscious (though i think the people around me thought i blacked out) was wondering why she was so freaked out. it all went by as if a dream, but really it was a miracle. had i not been at clinic when i was pooping, and was at home, i would have never made to the er in time. then if i made it to the er, had i not been at clinic where the nurses made orders for blood and platelets (you have to order them from the bank, and they have to like prepare them and send them...takes time), i would not have had the blood to replace my lost blood and hold me alive momentarily (my hemoglobin count dropped from 11 to 5...if you don't know what that means, just know that's A LOT of lost blood). everything worked out to the detail, and God's hand in this whole event is plain and clear, i think. it's truely a miracle. and i know it, because my parents were praying the whole time, and i think my dad called like a bunch of church members the moment he found out to help pray. (thank you aunties and uncles!)

anyways after that whole traumatizing event i spent 2 days in the intensive care unit at duke, then got transferred to the transplant unit (where i received my cords like five months ago). then i was released, but i got put back to the hospital again a week or so after for "observation". they did a ct on my small bowel and found more bleeding spots, though it wasn't outright bleeding, just "oozing", they are all potentials for another major bleed like the one i just described, which is life threatening. and the docs said if that happens again, they might have to do surgery and remove a part of my small bowels, which will damage me the rest of my life.

soooooo...sounds scary. i think actually i went through a lot of scary things, which really knowing the intensity until afterwards. i'm kind of glad i don't -- haha. there is some truth in "ignorance is bliss". wonder why eve ever wanted to eat that apple...

but i trust the Lord will heal me, He is the ultimate Healer after all, and as my Aba Father, I do not believe He will let me go into such a condition. I keep praying for Him to heal all my bleeding spots, but i'm finding myself very impatient. impatience is a signature character trait of mine, perhaps God wants me to learn: i read the other day, in the bible it says "faith produces patience and patience...etc, etc" (forgot where in the bible, i should start memorizing some things) i'm finding the truth in that statement, believe me. i believe that God can heal me completely, wholly, but WHY IS IT NOT NOW???? it makes me so frustrated sometimes, but then i remember that is not faith. who knew faith is so hard. not only do you need faith to be healed (look at the people healed by Jesus, they all believed before they even asked Him, and He always said "by FAITH you/your servant/your child/whomever is healed"), you also must "live by faith and not by sight". okay so that's hard enough, but i think "faith produces patience" also insinuates that faith needs patience. they go hand in hand. faith is hard, it's so not as easy as i had though in my younger years (now i sound like an old lady). but i have faith God will heal us. i have been quite encouraged lately after reading through John, and Jesus's promise to us that if we love Him and obey His command ("love each other")we can as the Father for anything and He will give it to us. WHAT KIND OF POWER IS THAT???? holy cow. (cows are not holy, i do not believe, i tend to eat them when i can...just an expression okay people)

but i mean God gives us a lot of power, after we're redeemed through Jesus, it's crazy. I've just been discovering this, it's encouraging, now i can pray knowing, perhaps it makes my faith a bit stronger. knowing God will answer, knowing it because Jesus's blood has cleansed me, because He's in the Father and i am in Him through the holy adoption. it also makes me appreciate Jesus dying and rising from the cross all over again.

but i have to admit i'm not always joyful and happy and thankful, i'm always home throwing fits and making my family's life miserable (to which i feel very bad afterwards, and very guilty, i spent like an hour crying yesterday night). so i've been throwing fits (this is not an excuse of course) because, like i stated, i'm still bleeding inside, and you can tell by your poo (yes we're back to excrement)if it's black or bloody red...then it has blood in it. if it's like brown or something, then congratulations!, you're normal, which you probably are. but i'm not, i'm apparently very messed up in my bowels, my guts, my GI tract, whichever you wish. and since the last big bleed/miracle, my parents have restricted my diet down to soupy noodles or soupy rice. i mean it's not bad, but it becomes bad when you can't eat anything else (oh i can have apples and bananas) and you eat the same thing 3 times a day, everyday with no sign of stopping. it's very discouraging and very disgusting, but according to the surgeon fiber will irritate my bowels (so no veggies), and hard foods my parents think will cause more bleeding...or whatever, and then i cant have heavily seasoned food, or acidy food or spicey food...basically nothing. AND I LOVE EATING SO THIS IS TORTURE. so its that (soupy pig food, as i call it) and ensure or boost, supplement drinks.

so you see, i have a complaining and bitter heart, over FOOD, which is silly i know. but it's really hard for me. anyways, praying that i have more faith, hope that sharing some of my feelings won't trip any of you in your walk with God.

but anyways PRAISE THE LORD ALWAYS. just because it's beautiful outside, and today i found that i'm glad i have my eyes. lately they've been feeling funny (chemo and radiation can affect them) but still working. and i know some people would love to be able to see the beautiful spring outside. i think to myself, God is the greatest Artist of all. i think that's why a lot of people want to be artists.

well until next time!
<3

hello, i'm here! surprised?

2010-02-25T11:07:00.000-08:00

It's March! Almost spring time, and I love spring!...Actually to tell the truth I like all the seasons :)

Anyways so update time! The physical/medical side first I guess then we'll delve into my thinkings (which, I know, doesn't make sense to some of you at all). So basically, let's recap. I've been sent back to the hospital after about a month of outpatient clinic, for massive bleeding. That was Feb 13, 2010. WOW. Another long stay at the hospital uh? I'm trying to the make the best of it, since in the last blog I bascially already told you about my massive bleeding, and how i'm basically a guinea pig and they tried like 5903420984039 different tests on me, and could not find the bleeding spot. One of the bone marrow doctors told me "sarah you are the mystery" which make me laugh inwardly (i prob looked unhappy on the outside...lol) because when i started this whole treatment i said to God "Lord lets give these doctors a show, and we're going to make it so that they are rendered completely unworthy when compared to Your Sovereign Healing, lets make it a mystery for them, and then show that only God can Heal with just a word, or a thought."

okay so my faith was a little stronger then, thought I really don't know what i was thinking, because i really am a mystery now, and none of the like 30 doctors i've seen can figure out where i'm bleeding (which means they can stop it...). siiiigh. i should becareful what i ask for eh? but i guess its also party of learning to walk by faith. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS??? because we're like evidence people, we see, we believe. but to SEE, really see?? AAAAAAH. then i start doubt myself, like well is that me seeing it and just having foolish hope? or is that really from God. Well anyways lately i've been very moody (poor father and mother who has to be with me everyday....) watching a lot of werido movies, and some reruns, trying to distract myself, thought the littlest things set me off. like if my parents stay in my room for like more than 7 hours i start freakingout and having spazz attacks. like i LOVE my parents, and they're going through so much stress and complications and financial problems and stuff like that, but i'm still a very seflish brat, and i through my frustrations on them. but i found that i do better alone in my room for most of the day, so when my parents say for longer than like 7 hours, i start freaking out and becoming possessed-like. it's a very strange phenomenon. but i donno.

so the other day they made me swallow this monstrous pill, except that it was a blinking camera, and it was supposed to take pictures as it traveled through my guts, while i wore this bulking werido machines with sticker sensors taped all over my torso, so they can collect pictures so see where i am bleeding. this is like the last resort almost. it was soooooooo uncomfortable to say the least, but at least they didnt make me drink a gallon of diaherra inducing crap. cheers! sigh. so the camera is still in my body, it's been 2 days....hopefully i can poo it out soon. how weird is it to have a camera in your guts floating around?

but yeah so, moving onto my more spiritual/mental state. which is probably not as healthy either. my mom said i need to stop complaining about things and just move forward. i think she's right, of course it didnt make me happy to hear it, but i know i complain a lot, i do so, even when i wasnt sick (but trust me, i will not be so picky/complaining after all this is done! heh) anyways so my father and i (daddy's idea, he is our family's giant spirital leader)will be fasting for 2 days, i hope i wont pass out or something, since i'm already kinda weak...but FAITH. i think just being here, 1. for the 2nd time, 2. since feb 13 (it's been long long weeks of bleeding) 3.the doctors actually telling me i'm a mystery and they cant figure me out is very disheartening. so my dad says we shall fast for 2 days and plead with the Lord. I honestly am a little scared, because when i was healthy i did 30hr famine for church and it well, but right now i havent had anything by watery food, for weeks, i'm asking God for major strength to go through this. But mainly i just want to be healed completely (which i feel like God has already promised me....but the TIMING!!! timing...sigh)

also, all my experiences, at first i wanted to hide, but realized God is using this for testimony to other people. recently (i wont reveal actual name) a really good friend that i value a lot joined bible study!!! made me very emotional/happy/crying. being used by God, maybe make this worthwhile.

i realized when i get better i want to be an agent of God that can just bring joy and God's love to people, because i've realized how much life is a gift, and i have to get through the disease. acts 20:24 however, i consider my life worth nothing to me, if only i may finish the race and complete the task the lord Jesus has given me-the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.
i think that takes so much faith to say and actually do, at least for me, because i tend to focuz on the physical a lot, and walking by faith is really hard. perhaps i'm just too weak, but when i'm in pain, its so hard to focuz on God and His Grace, soemtimes i cry out to him and ask him WHYYYYY ARE YOU NOT THERE, WHY IS YOUR TIMING SO SLOW, WHY HAVE YOU ABANDONED ME??? but in my mind i know He would never, but my soul was in so much anguish. but i think when i heard that my friend was joining bible study, i cried for like 10 minutes straight out of joy, because she said she was inspired by my situation, and all i did was sit and complain. God is merciful eh? He still allowed me witness andtake part of bring glory to His kingdom even though i did nothing but sit around groaning.

i'm discovering, or rather rediscovering the power prayer with faith!!! the healing of my bleeding, lots of bleeding after scan, but then after that no more bloody stool, feb 25, thurs, had brown stool (little blood clot) but God is faithful, it's not bloody!!! power of prayer with faith. i think those 2 days where a while ago (because...as if right now i still am bleeding quite a lot), but like i remember just praying, in precious Jesus's name and God had given me peace. but see then the blood came back, and i was soooo disappointed. why Lord, would you do this? is this walking by faith, knowing you have healed me, but what i see is the contrary?

Anyways, still trying to learn to walk with faith, because doubt is so easy to just slip in, like a "what if it's not that, because i cant see it" but i have to remember 2cor5:7 because i think there is no healing if there is no faith. matthew 9:20-22: just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak. she said to herself, "if i only touch his cloak, i can be healed." esus turned and saw her. "take heart, daughter," he said, "your FAITH HAS HEALED YOU." and the woman was healed from that moment. faith has such a huge part in healing, and i have so little of it. i can't believe i was so conceited and thought i had the faith to move mountains, when i can even pull myself out of this heart of darkness really. but i guess then this is all a very slow learning process.

i found this song that is very appropriate to what i'm learning right now:
In His Time
A:IN HIS TIME, IN HIS TIME
HE MAKES ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL IN HIS TIME
LORD, PLEASE SHOW ME EVERYDAY
AS YOU'RE TEACHING ME YOUR WAY
AND I'LL DO JUST WHAT YOU SAY
IN YOUR TIME.

B:IN YOUR TIME, IN YOUR TIME
YOU MAKE ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL IN YOUR TIME
LORD, MY LIFE TO YOU I BRING
MAY EACH SONG I HAVE TO SING
BE TO YOU A LOVELY THING
IN YOUR TIME

BE TO YOU A LOVELY THING
IN YOUR TIME.

(below is a earlier addition to this blog, so it goes kinda backwards...if you can follow that)
i found two verses that's somewhat relevant and much needed for me right now: its 6am feb 27 sat and i cant sleep because i just had 8 bloody stools (small ones granted, not TOO fresh) but when i see that i see a major step backwards. thought God promised to cure me of my bleeding a 2 days ago, so i got scared. still trying to learn the live by faith, and not by sight, thought sight is overwhelming and such a good foothold for Satan, doubt and fear, which is what is happening. but then i ask for a sigh, 125lbs or higher, usually, i'm not that hight. but 125.4. God is good, my faith is weak, and i need MAJOR help in that area. wonder how abraham had enough faith to actually go and try to kill his only son... woooow.
but if i can focus on the fact that my life is a testimony to a friend who just started bible study, that is good enough.

found another verse: 2corth4:16-18. what our human eyes cannot see. focus focus! to have a relationship with God is sometimes really hard it requires a lot of God helping us. ironic

so onward i go with 2 days of fasting and hopefully lots of prayer and HEALING. and hopefully God will give me the physical strength to do it right now when i'm already very weak. but FAITH is what we walk by.

oh funny story. i was somewhat coordinated (by that i mean clothes) and i had put in earrings now, because it takes away some of my boredom in the hospital. and the nurses were like "oh look at youuu, dont you look stylish" and some lady was like "yeah i was vacationing in italy, and people there dress like, thats very fashionable". hahahha while i was like dragging my feet trying to walk in the halls. all 125lbs of non muscle. :D

anyways this has been long enough and it's time to take my ambien and sleep somewhat. i also decided to keep a personal journal so that i can write down what i'm thankful for that day, and how i can praise God for that day. i think it'll help me with my mini depression, and also write down my fustrations and counter them with more reasonable thoughts. writing is a good reliever.

well adieu, and thankyou all for reading my blog so faithfully, even though i'm just one insignificant patient out of many many that i see everyday. thank you all for praying for me! and thank you for donating money, every cent will hopefully turn and bless you as well. it's midnight. better go to sleep. i miss seeing people's faces. one day!
love,sarah

this is long due, eh? hello again world!

2010-02-24T19:23:00.000-08:00

hello everyone! hopefully this more organized and conclusive.

okay I dont know how much i updated last time, or what i said (i probably said a lot of "i dont know whats going on, etc"), so I'll just update. Basically when i got the hospital from transplant, i was required to go to transplant clinic everyday. but at the apartment that i rented i still experienced a lot pain, from my polyoma (spelling not relevant okay!)pee-pee virus, and random belly pains. mornings were always the worst, so many pills to take with my breakfast. and lunch. and dinner. i think all random pain that i was experiencing after leaving the hospital was unexpected, i thought that when i left the hospital it would be like a miracle healing, like poof, i'm better! but i guess it didnt go as i expected, and so i became anxious and scared, scared of having pain randomly that can't be stopped, i was scared that i was improving, etc. and i think everything, all the different changes caused a lot of stress, and i dont handle stress and pain very well. i think at that time Satan was seriously attacking my mind, trying to convince me that God had abandoned me, that's how i felt. actually to tell the truth i feel like sometimes still, but i know in my heart and mind He is always faithful.

i realized that i really needed the fruits of the spirit, i needed the Peace, the Joy, the Patience, etc. I needed to learn to find comfort in God, because Jesus has victory over death and all of this right? i mean He's gone through everything, He knows. but for me, when i'm in pain, i completely lose it. so i tried to be more God minded, to find things to praise God. i needed to get out of my spiritual depression, which at that point, i still haven't really. i think it was just too much random pain, and too many pills.

sooo, a lot physical change and uncomfortable. but i realized during that time how selfish i've become and uncaring, and i withdrew from people (and this blog...as you see...). i also began treating my parents awfully, like i took advantage of their love for me to throw temper tantrums and being a brat over all. i think i add a lot of stress to my parents, and overall my family. sometimes i'm even mean to my brother, it was just bad. i think this whole experience is much much more than just the physical. i'm thinking jeremiah when he went to see the potter. i'm the clay, the clay is not comfortable, the clay is losing its spirit.

but anyways i'm determined know to not allow a foothold for satan to mess up anything. i remember reading a verse, 2 Corinthians 5:7 we walk by faith and not by sight. and that struck me a lot, because up to then i had been paying so much attention on my pain, and all the symptoms (still have that GVHD and peepee virus!), but yeah i've been so focused on that mere human eyes can see. but walking by faith is really, really hard.

especially for me right now, because well, here is the LATEST update.

so one day at clinic they realized that my red blood cells went from 8.6 to 5.8 which is a HUUUUUUUUUUUGE drop. this huge drop in rbc's means that there is massive bleeding somewhere in my body. so that fateful day at clinic, i got transported back to the hospital, and that was feb 13. and i've been here since. the first 5 days they did not allow me to eat anything, and they did not give me any iv nutrition, so i became bedridden, and all skin and bones. 120lbs for my height? that's crazy. then they made me do like 5 different tests, like sticking stuff up my colon, down my throat, making me drink a gallon of prep stuff which made me bleed more. anyways for 5 days i ate nothing, besides drinnk these nasty preps that gave me more diarrhea, but they never found where my bleeding spot(s). and now i'm on iv nutrition, but still bleeding. i get so many blood and platelet transfusions these days. the first few days, during those tests, i was so stressed so focused on the pain, i began having these spazz attacks again. it's kinda like being possessed by some kind of spirit, my arms would flail and my legs were jerk and my whole body would twist and....well bascially i looked possessed, and i couldnt speak english, and they would have to give me calming medicine. and i withdrew again from the outside world, and putting myself in misery.

but lately i'm been trying a new method. DISTRACTION. haha i have a rough draft of a small business that i want to start, and i've been trying to budget a little bit of money to plan my brothers first birthday party, and do soemthing special for all my family, because i konw i'm going through a lot, but i think them watching me, is going through a lot too. so my little business (which totally just popped in my head, i think as a gift from God) will hopefully start up after i get better. and i've been painting wooden boxes here and watching a bunch of crappy (some good) movies to keep preoccupied and the spasms and possessed weirdoness has def decreased. i praise the Lord that He is pulling me out of the spiritual low, and for the great support and care i'm getting from my parents who are probably all so stressed.

which brings me to the last point. it's been really stressful for my dad and mom, because they have to work and be with me, and be with aaron, but take time off to see me. and our financial situation is not looking good at all, so thank you all who have donated, whether in case or to the ntafund. but i donno. i'm scared for my parents health, and job and they're barely working, so we have like no money. i've been asking friends around to help me do fundraising, but anyways. God will provide.

Thank you all for reading my blog, though it may not make any sense to some of you, but thank you for your support, whether financially or through prayer, or through service (i'm hearing from my parents that lots of aunties and uncles have brought yummmy food over....too bad i cant eat any of it but it's so nice!)

we must all proceed with a thankful heart, praise the Lord! keeping myself distracted until God heals me. and you know i really wish i could touch the cloak of Jesus Christ, like that woman did so long ago, but then i remembered He left us the Holy Spirit.

Praise the Lord always! hopefully i'll update more recently since i'm trying to make an effort to getting better, no just physically but mentally, spiritally. finding peace at times like this, using faith at a time like this, this is where it becomes real.

i have neglected this for a long time...

2010-02-08T16:32:00.000-08:00

wellllllll....so i've been out of the hospital for a couple of weeks now? i donno, i've lost track of time.
i'm sure some of you have been following my fathers more medical side of the situation.

i'm still a little scatterbrained by everything thats going on/what happened to me the past few weeks. so i moved into "north point" that's part of Oakwood contemporary housings. it's really nice, it's all furnished and has kitchen supplies (of course very different than chinese cooking stuff, and everytime we try to actually cook, the fire alarm would go off haha.) but yeah 2 bedroom, i took some pics maybe i'll post some pictures up later about my whole process.

but basically every morning i get up, eat breakfast and a whole cup of nasty pills that makes really nervous and unhappy and etc. and of course there is a cup of pills during lunch, and at night for dinner. way to ruin eating right? i donno i think i've developed some kind of psychological scared-ness from it. like i dread the morning, and i think all the pills that are supposed to make me "feel good" or w/e wears off then in the morning too, so mornings are the worst for me. i'm always a bit jittery, nervous, i donno, i work up literally SCARED. i think it's finally hit me how long it will take, and i think i've been kinda focusing on the very immediate things, and so i'm like totally freaking out. i think my spirit and faith is being really stretched. i've been having a lot belly/abdominal pain (and the doctors dont really know why, but they don't think its really part of the GVHD) and sometimes battling diarrhea which is sooooooo tiring, i think you can imagine.

i donno, mornings are scary for me, maybe i'm just losing it, i think i was def going through a little depression. i feel like i'm praying all the time for relief, but it just doesnt come... i guess i mean everyone goes through this process has to deal with this, but sometimes, just sometimes i feel like God has abandoned me, but i mean i KNOW he hasnt, just when i'm in immense pain, it's hard to look forward, or even look backward to see progress you know? so lately i've been keeping a journal of my progresses and what has been happening and hopefully every week i can look back and praise the Lord for being so good to me, because i know He is. it's just hard. i have a very very weak spirit right now, i need lots and lots of prayers to get out of this gloomy-ness because it's really not helping me recover.

anyways my urinary virus is getting better, i even noticed it, though sometimes i get intense tummy aches, sometimes because i'm hungry, but other times i donno...why it hurts. and i take SO many pills now, because i'm not in the hospital to do it by iv. and some of it hurts me when i take it down.

but i have to trust in God's timing right? i keep thinking back to joseph, and how when he was little he had dreams of his family bowing down to him and all that, but what did he go through? i mean he had to wait in jail for like years, because some guy forgot about him. but God's timing is perfect right, in like one day he went from working in jail to becoming 2nd in command in egypt. it's crazy. i dont really know what i'm talking about, besides that i thought that when i got out of the hospital, i would miraculous become better...i guess i was little disappointed. and then every day it's such a struggle for me between pain (even though they gave me morphine pills.... imean thats pretty intense. i dont take much...)

i guess disappointment is something i'm battling with, though really it's all in God's hand, and He had this planned from the beginning. and i do believe that He does all these things to prosper us and allow us to live a more fullfilling life, but sometimes its hard to remember.

i also almost found myself wishing i was back in the hospital at once, because they have iv meds, and it's so much less torture for me, but then i remember the jews when they were brought out of egypt they complained about everything, even though the Lord provided so much for them. so i'm trying to find things to praise God for everyday...

i dont really know what i'm saying now. i'm finding myself really scatterbrained. my parents are under a lot of stress too, please pray for them. i think it must be hard to watch your daughter scream and moan in pain.

anyways. also my dad had helped me set up an donation account with ntafund.org, so that if anyone can or is willing to donate money they can do it right through there. it accepts credit card, so i guess that's a benefit and you can tax reductions. but i think they keep like 4% of it, but i donno, the money goes to my account under them, and they can help pay for medical bills and housing and co-payments and extra. please spread the word if you can :)
Thank you all who have already supported us! especially through prayers and all the love and food and care!!!!

last post i thought i had posted a website that andy showed me on fb about not wasting cancer, but i'm not seeing it... so i'll post it again. i think everyone should read it.
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TasteAndSee/ByDate/2006/1776_Dont_Waste_Your_Cancer/

i think some of the points on there, God has been slowly teaching me through this .... VERY SLOW ...process.

anyways. God gives me strength. that's what i've been repeating myself while trying "relaxation exercises". haha.

this blog has made no sense. at all. i've kind of lost touch with people, so i just want to appologize, and hopefully, soon i will ease myself back into reality and be more "normal" or whatever that means. :)
love you all, thank you for your support and for reading this really weird blog.

PRISON BREAK!!!! day +41

2010-01-21T06:29:00.000-08:00

haha isn't that a show? prison break? whatever. i feel like i can finally get out of this mental asylum place. so in the past 3 days or so, i was having like serious mental/physiological breakdowns. it started a few nights ago, i just started liked crying and then bawling and then my whole body started jittering and shaking violently, and i couldnt make myself either, and i think people thought i was possessed or something. they gave me some tranquilizers haha to calm me down, but then the next morning it came again, i seriously was like one of those people who were like possessed by a demon like on a scary money or something. scared the crap out of me, and my mom got all freaked out and started yelling at me, which freaked me out even more, and i was in the room creating quite the chaos. i think people outside in the halls were like WHAT IN THE WORLD? so a bunch of nurses rushed in and tried to calm me down and stuff.
lol seriously being in here has some HUGE mental strain. but yup so then 2 days ago, they were like okay maybe you should take the wheel chair, put on a mask and go downstairs for some fresh air, which i did. and PRAISE THE LORD FOR FRESH AIR AND NATURE. i only sat in this empty courtyard for like max of 15 minutes, wrapped in blankets in a wheelchair, looking like a sick person....haha. when i was healthy, i would would pass people like that and never really give a second thought to what kinds of hell they are going through, but i think, i think i can comprehend just a little now.

but the fresh air was so nice on my face. its like being kissed by the wind, i heard birds chirping and my mom went to grab some eel sushi to eat while we were outside. and the smell of eel sushi (which i love and cannot eat now...) made me so happy. lol when i saw her chew i could imagine in my head chewing and savoring the taste. ahhhh. it was a good, blessed 15 minutes. then i had to go back to my room, but that made my day. so yesterday they let me out again for freshair, but when we went it was drizzling outside. oh well.

so health updates, basically my HHV6 virus is undercontrol, so my white blood cells are stable on its own now, without having to get those stimulating shots everyday! yay! but they are still giving me like 3 different kinds of immune suppressents (which I'll be on for months) so i still have no immune system. siiigh. and this polyoma (i dont know if that's spelled right) pee pee virus is creating a lot of internal burning and spasms, which they're giving me oral morphine to help now. haha looks like i'll be on pain medicine for a looong time, since this virus doesnt really go away that fast, and my immune system is still suppressed. but yeah so when i pee, blood comes out, and it HURTS. it's not AS bad as some people the nurses tell me, so praise God for that, but prayerfully it'll go away soon.

my GVHD i think is improving just so slightly. i've been able to eat like riceredbean porridge and like chicken broth with noodles and stuff like that. before i really wanted to rush things and just eat like a big ol hearty mean, but i think i'm learning.

learning is a lifetime process. and the stuff that's hard to learn isnt even like multivariable calc or whatever, but the fruits of the Spirit.

anyways. with my fingers and legs crossed, and my hope in God, they might let me out this afternoon! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. yes. i'll update later.

lets take a journey back in time, day +37

2010-01-17T10:24:00.000-08:00

so much for letting me out tomorrow. i was so excited, but probably a little too eager to get out, rushed a bit too fast, and made my gut worse. so we all know about my lovely little GVHD, which if you don't know what is, google! or wiki or something. but apparently i have it bad. bad bad bad. i cant eat without pain shooting through me, but good thing is my white counts is stable, so the stem cells are in there for good, for good.

i think i was, and maybe still am a little, going through a bit of a depression, to be truthful. i was so low in my spirits, i read 90 minutes in heaven by don piper, and i know he went through so much more pain and crap than me, for such a longer period of time, and at first i didnt understand. but then i did, why he didn't want to live any more, he just wanted to go home, to heaven. i felt like that for a few days. why do i still live, God? i just want to be released from all of this torment, but i think i still have a reason to be here right? but i donno, i was just so low, this hospital really sucks the soul out of a person, and i dont think anyone can really imagine how so until they go through it. i cant even imagine it haha, and i'm going through it. i think it must be really really hard on my family too, they must be so stressed and unhappy to be here as well. pray for them!

but when i look back on this whole process, since i donno, june 2009? it's been long. i look at my friends, and they're all taking their gmats and pcats and mcats, and i feel the world passing over me, and i feel like i'd been taken out of time and i'm in this little zone where time is like flowing torwards a blackhole. gaaaaah. but even though i sit here and complain and cry out to the Lord, i can't help to be admit how amazing God is to me. I went through so much, He's been so faithful this whole time. like my induction chemo at uchicago, i knew nothing about leukemia, about transplant, about cancer, about sickness, and he brought me through so effortlessly, it felt like i was only gliding through the problem. like His hands where always cuffed around me, as He carried me through it all. so even though i was sick i was floating. then i got home from uchicago, and the pain hit, but he carried me through it. through all the little details, like how i almost missed my airplane and God delayed it just enough for me to get on a wheelchair and get on the plane. okay i think i mentioned this example before, but it's like the little things, that surprise you how well God takes care of His children. that's how faithful He is, and all the little steps i've taken to get here.

but anyways. i think it finally hit me how long this whole recovery process will be, it's SO slow. i have no patience. i want to get out to the world again, to be able to breath fresh air, and to go to restaurants and to play with my friends, and TO EAT HAPPILY. i think God is ironic, taking away my favorite thing in the world, eating. i pray for a quick recovery.

anyways. the other day i had no blood cells and i was feeling so dizzy and crappy, and my night nurse wouldnt accommodate and ran my magnesium super fast, making me feel so crappy. but after some blood transfusion, and they put me back on my iv pain killers, to help with all the cramping. sigh.

just wanting to eat a happy meal (no, not mcdonalds, though french fries sound so good)! praying and waiting for that day. and when i can get out of the hospital. and then slowly when i can be reintroduced to the world! trying to keep my spirits up! i made a deal with my GI tract. i said. i'll be good to you now, and you heal quickly, and let me eat all the good food i want. haha.

UPDATE!!! it's like 3:16 am and i'm suffering from insomnia, or at least from these steroids. yuck. haha. i just remembered that andy shared a good link with me about cancer, but i think it can affect non cancer patients who take life seriously...lol it's insightful and i think even before i read the article, God was slowly teaching these things to me. like knowing that our days our limited is a type of wisdom, and hurt and cancer is not wasted when God is in control. it's comforting to know, though it's still hard... here's the link:
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TasteAndSee/ByDate/2006/1776_Dont_Waste_Your_Cancer/

and i'm excited about that all you can eat buffet Auntie :D
i think i'm getting at little better with this GVHD, i think God will bring me out of it quickly. i was reading jeremiah a while a go, ...can't sleep. and even through all that wrath God was going ot pour out on Judah because of her unfaithfulness, He always left them with hope, with the return, with Him redeemning them. with Him saying 'i have plans to prosper you, not to harm you', so even through 70 years of exile, God still remembers, and still has the plan from the beginning of eternity for the good of us who believe. i believe that when this is all over, i will be a very very very blessed person. well i already am, but it's hard to feel it sometimes?

i feel kinda stupid and bratty for complaining about not being able to eat, because i know there are people, who are even pretty close to me, that are going through worse, and today i found myself saying "i dont care about other people pains anymore, i cant even handle my own" but OMG i cannot lose myself in that kind of thinking, because then my cancer, my whole experience will be wasted. and that would be a terrible waste of my 19th-20th year of life. tho of course i think it's still unfair i cant eat, i need to know 1. God is awesome 2. there are so many who need love, and I have enough that i horde and wont share.

there is this girl on the same unit, she popped in my room this evening to ask if she can chat with me, she's pretty young i guess, guetting a cord blood, but her parents live in va, so they cant be here like mine all the time to be with her. she must be so lonely. when she first came in i was all shocked cuz she just took off her mask and had like no 2nd thought to cross contamination or anything, and i was annoyed for a sec. but i think, maybe this is the once chance i have in the hospital to be able to bless the Lord with this opportunity, or have Him bless someone through me, so maybe I'll try to chat and talk to her tomorrow in the halls. she seems so lonely, i know it would suck if my parents didnt come everyday. i pray that i dont turn into a cold hearted mean spirited, depressed, selfish unloving person through all of this, ha. i mean the point of all of this is so that God can refine me like a potter to a clay right? it wouldnt make any sense for me to get worse...so i gotta get outta this "i only care about myself" stage/depression and i need to get out there for God! pray i can do this, and that He who gives all good things gives me strength.

but of course i'm still hoping to get out of here ASAP. oh my dad set up a donation account for anyone who can help out financially, or just spread the word would help alot. the website is ntafund.org and i think you search for my name "Xingyue He" (donno if there is a sarah in there, prob not) it's like a non profit that helps people collect fundraising for paying for medical bills and all this. you can get tax deductions i think that is why my dad was going for that, for other people who do donate, and you can use credit card and stuff. donno exactly how it works yet, but that's the website i think. please help spread the world!

but thank you all for those who already helped financially, like a lot ofpeople at my dad's work, and cbc and friends :) it means so, so, so, muuch. and all the prayers and food and support mean even more, this is how i am being sustained i do believe. i wouldnt have made it this far without other people helping me through. sometimes i cant even express how i feel to God besides in groaning and screaming and crying for no reason. but thank God for the Holy Spirit who can translate my nonesense to God in prayers!

well i guess i should try to sleep. hope everyone is enjoying life and praising the Lord always! :)

it's been so long, day +33

2009-12-21T18:32:00.000-08:00

first of all, sorry for being absent for so long. i've been through so much pain and discomfort these past few weeks, i've lost interest in the outside world, and havent had much energy for updating blogs and going online. some ofthis stuff i typed a while ago. some is recent updates. just letting all of you know

so, my typing is getting really crappy, like if i misspell things like "while blood cells" instead of "white blood cells" or if i spell NONATO wrong (haha april), i think i'm a bit scatter brained, and i know how to spell (actually not really) usually.
also thank everyone who has been sending me emails like juliana and linda, lu, tiffany, and others, and people on fb, though i dont check fb, because i dont really feel like being in touch with people only a superficial level right now, like the whole "oh how are you doing, i'm doing great" but not really, because everyone has a story but no one takes the time to listen, esp not on fb, whatever, i dont know how to express it really. though i enjoy getting fb messages, that i never reply to because i read the message, and think of all the things to say back, but dont feel like actually typing it out, so i apologize for that.
and also thank you christine lee for the ipod shuffle because it's getting me through the long days, and i'm listening to some music i've never heard before, it's an interesting experience to listen to music picked by other people.
and thank you everyone for commenting, especially for your dedicated reading, because i think if i was well, i wouldnt want to keep reading depressing thoughts from a sick girl everyday, haha. but i'm a very selfish and unloving person, who is hopefully going to change after all of this.
as for Auntie Jeannie's very useful comments: i am allergic to one of the medicines. i got another rash after posting the last blog, and the docs realized it was one of the drugs they were giving me, though i didnt get a rash before, but then they increased the frequency, i started getting rashes. it's so itchy, with a rash, i feel itchy all over because of my very dry skin.

so update, though i'm sure some of you read the calender my dad writes, (not always the most accurate since he's not really here with me) but i'll update you none the less. so since the last time we've talked, i had been bleeding A LOT, and they couldnt realy get it under control, i bleed for like 2 weeks. lost a lot of good blood, but finally after a lot of iv estrogen and pills and all that, it stopped. LOTS and lots of pain, and then i started having lots of diaherra, so it's hard to sit at the toliet in pain for like 15 minuites, for all of you who've had bad diaherra know, it's EXHAUSTING. but i'd been having it 6 or7 times a day SOOOOOOOO tiring and painful, i had to be put on morphine/pain killers. it started out every 4 hours, but they increased it to every 2 hours because i was in so much pain, then it become a button i could push everytime it hurts, and now they took me off of it, because they're treating my GVHD with steriods and stuff, so they want me to get out of the hospital without depending on iv stuff. it's been hard these past few days without my pain killer, but i'm slowly getting better. but i dont think i could have ever imagined what people have to go through, if i never went through this myself. everyday i tell God, 'I'm tried, Lord, i just want rest, i just want to be normal'. it's been very very very hard. but i think this time i've really learned to praise God through everything.

got a virus in my bone marrow that theyre treating, got realy bad gvhd (did i just mention that?) and a virus in my urinary tract, so over all, its been lots of uncomfy-ness and pain, but i'm getting there. they say maybe i can go home next week! or to an apartment in durham. home will be a little further off. i cant wait. i really cant.

a BIG thank you to AAIV from uchicago for sending me so many cards and encouraging comments! it really made my christmas day, my parents brought the cards and gifts to me. also thanks everyone else for sending me stuff and keeping my spirits up, i have to admit it was pretty low for a long time.

and merry LATE LATE christmas. but i figured its okay, because technically Jesus was boring in the spring right? haaha... it's never too late to celebrate His birth, nor is it ever too early. i remember several christmas-es ago (a long time ago actually) when it REALLY hit me, one christmas eve service at church, when it hit me how much Jesus meant to me, meant to the world. that christmas i remember really wanting a portable dvd player (those were all the rage back then) and i something else, but i couldnt really ask for it, because i knew my parents were going through hard financial times. but after that eye opening night, i was SO content, so at peace, so joyful, i didn't want anything else. and ironically God always provides more than enough, and some uncle gave me a portable dvd player (without even me mentioning it at all!) and the other thin gi wanted, i dont even remember. but i remember being so amazed, though it sounds silly, how God provides and all good things come from Him. praise the Lord! though this past christmas was really hard on me, and i'm sure on my family, i still couldnt stop from praising God for being who He is, always. now i'm just blabbing. i'm so scatterbrained these days.but yeah, He knows our hearts, it reminds me of king solomon, when he asked for wisdom, but God gave him so much more. He's amazing.
reminds me of:
seek ye first
the kingdom of God...
that songs. always seeking His kingdom, always always.

anyways hope everyone is enjoying the beginning of 2010. i cant believe it's 2010. I can't believe how i spent my 19th year of life, it's the strangest thing. if i had known how much pain i would go through with this transplant would I hvae choosen it? I don't know, i'm not strong like people think. God is strong, He held me through, but I donno if i would pick this path on my own choosing. but if I had the sight of God, of eternity, of the glory that God pronmised me as an inheritance with Jesus Christ, would I pick this path? it's so hard to say. anyways i'm done for today, its just been a catching up, sorry for it being so random, and not really making sense. I havent had time to make sense of everything yet.

God is good. always.

it's been a while, day +9

2009-12-20T13:19:00.000-08:00

i've been quite busy these past few days, so i wasn't able to update, but now i am feeling okay, so i will give you the complete run down.

so basically in my last post, i was talking about my period, aka menstral cycle. i had asked God to give that to me after TBI and chemo, as a sign that all my interal organs are in good shape, since the ovaries are easily damaged. so i got it, which i was very very thankful for, but who knew, it would give me so much trouble?
basically thursday i got a fever, my very first through this whole process, so they drew a bunch of blood cultures, to check for infection and etc. the nurse couldn't get my vein, and was poking around for like 15 minutes, before she called the specialists to come - ha. and my while blood cells went down to 0.0 and i was running a fever, and was feeling really crappy (to put it in simple terms). i layed in bed most of the day, and then friday and saturday i had severe cramps, not just like oh i have cramps, but like cramps that made me realize that giving birth must be HARD (of course...), but yeah i was basically in bed moaning and screaming in pain, the nurse gave me iv pain killer, which did worked a little, and then double dose pill pain killer, and finally by night time last night i was feeling a little better. but pain is...painful. i can only imagine what Jesus had to go through on the cross, and before hand. when i was in pain, i cried to God but i was also very very thankful to know that Jesus had been there before and knows what pain is like, you know, He can relate to me, to us, even though He is Lord over everything. very encouraging.
so i was running fevers over the past few days. today i had a really bad stomach ache, again with the groaning and screaming in bed, and pain medication. the doc said that this is not normal, and if it happens again i need a stomach ctscan, so praying that it's not a infection or anything. i also developed a rash on my legs, and then last night in the middle of the night, a hive-ish rash all over my body that was really really itchy.
and i've also developed a sore throat, from breathing from my mouth for 2 days, and swollen gums and an ulcer that seems to be getting a little better. so it's been kinda hard to eat by mouth, but i'm doing it, little by little. the docs and nurses keep telling me i'll have to go to tpn, which is nutrition by iv, but i'm trying to avoid that, and my mom urges me and keeps me going.

and i've been really emotional and fustrated lately, haha probably not someone you would want to be around for very long. but i think even though all of these things are happening, i'm uncomfortable/painful, God is still faithful and taking good care of me. the blood cultures came back negative, so did the urine tests and all of that. so though i have no white blood cells to help me, i have the Creator, so it's all good. just day by day now.

i wont say much, because i have to keep my mom entertained (haha) and probably go exercise my tiny leg muscles and lung muscles yay! cant wait til i can go home. please continue praying for me, so i wont get infections or any major complications. and praise God for the power of prayer and the power He gives to us through Jesus :)

chocolate chip cookies day +5

2009-12-16T16:40:00.000-08:00

i have a bag of chocolate chip cookies in front of me, the snack cart comes by every once in a while, and it makes me happy. haha, also the cafeteria downstairs have big chocolate chip cookies on fridays, last week, on my NEW BIRTHDAY/cord blood infusion day, i had a big cookie, the chocolate was all melted and everything. yummmm.

update for the past 2 days. yesterday would have been pretty unexciting except for the fact that at around 5 pm i had a nose bleed (low platelets, um and i irritated my nose) that lasted for TWO HOURS. ridiculous. they had to give me platelet transfusion right then and then it stopped a while, so i showered and ate some food, and then it started again! for another two hours until 11pm, and then i had another platelet transfusion at 11:30. i barely got any sleep, and i pinched my nose so hard i think maybe the bridge is a little taller now, or squashed flat - haha. they had the night doc come in last night to check on me, because i wouldn't stop bleeding, and he stuffed gauze up my nose, both of the holes, because it was bleeding from both sides. they kept it in all last night, and today, and tonight until tomorrow. i've been breathing through my mouth, highly uncomfy. haha

welll today there isnt much. well something great happened today, but my mom says to keep it hush hush for right now. but i'm very happy and excited, and ready to praise the Lord for it, so i'll let you in on it, just a little bit. because TBI (radiation) and the chemo i got for cord blood transplant can cause organ damage immediately and later down the road, i had prayed to God to protect all my organs and not let a single one of them be damaged. i prayed that He would show me He had done this, by a specific event, and it happened today, and i'm very very joyous. so i think He is letting me know that he has carried me through and that i've been healed and protected by Him. can't really go into detail, without completely giving it away, but the chance of this event happening for people is very very very little, especially after my TBI and chemo. but you know, chance is nothing compared to God. He carried me through this far infection free, and safely and in such good condition, it doesnt matter if the doctor told me i had no chance, with God anything is possible right? i'm very happy. praise the Lord!

well there isnt much to say, i think i might go eat those chocolate chip cookies, after i wash my hands thoroughly of course :D
i hope everyone is excited about this winter season! i'm excited...well for it to pass so i can go home, haha.

passing by day +3

2009-12-14T16:19:00.000-08:00

thank you all for your encouraging/funny/amusing comments! they help me pass time and gives me things to think about, other wise i might go insane.

quick update. so 3 days ago, friday i got my cord blood. it was a lot like a blood transfusion, for those who are wondering. it tastes and smells like rotten cabbage when they put it through the iv though, my mom was complaining that i stank, haha. it went in pretty successfully, no bloody urine, or any other weird complications. praise God! it really is just step by step, though for me it seems like the steps are getting longer and harder.
so the last few days, it was just waiting around, i guess for all my cells to grow back, or rather - the new cells. i got one from a baby boy A+, from illinois, and another A+ girl from washington state. i guess that means i will no longer be B+ but A+, so strange how things like that can change, though it seems permanent right? I mean there are things in life you expect to be the same, but down to your blood type, it can change. but its a good thing i know God never changes, always faithful.

so now to waiting. my hemoglobin (if you want to be so technical) is about 9.9, white blood cell <0.1 (THAT IS LITTLE) platelets 35 or something. the regular range for hemoglobin is 12-15 (this is from the top of my head, not accurate), white blood cell 3.5-10 and platelets 150 up. so thats just a comparative. i think it'll stay low, or get lower, in the next week, then hopefully it'll start to rise! then i can go home.

i know a lot of people think i'm being really positive and great through this whole ordeal, but i have to confess i have been anything but. my mom says she noticed my mood go down drastically this past week. i guess i'm just not used to waiting, and i dont do a very good job waiting either. before, my life was like that of the american fast food life, results immediately, satisfaction now. but waiting for something as minuscule as blood cells to grow back to normal so i can leave the hospital, i think i am having a lot of trouble with. of course i still take it hour by hour, day by day, and praise God when i can eat my food, and when the day is over. but it seems so tiring so straining. i'm very bad at waiting patiently.
but today i tried to put it in perspective, because that's what God gives christians right? eyes that can see. somewhat, in a blurry mirror reflection (but one day we will see clearly!). so i was thinking. all of this misery and awfulness, this is just one short chapter in a very fullfilling life that God has prepared for me, in the future. so i thought about the future, of course no one can ever plan, or really worry about the future because that's silly to do and call God, God. but i thought to the possibilities, to life, and i felt a little better. i guess it's just to help me pass time.
i thought about all my friends and all the separate ways life will take us, and how after i'm better, because i'll be able to attend a friend's wedding sometime, going back to school i'll befriend people that i never though i would because i no longer need to judge people like i used to, and how i'm going to deffinitely go to chinatown and eat my heart out, and all the fun things life has to offer. i think after this i will be able to praise God for even more. my mom even talked about, how after i'm all better she'll only work part time, and we can run up a little business or something cute like that - haha.

i was thinking, this is kind of like walking on water. you know, peter was called out to walk on water, in the middle of a storm, why? perhaps to test his faith, perhaps to build faith, perhaps so he could get a taste of the glory and power that Jesus Christ has, and is our inheritance. it's definitely an honor, but also quite the test. jesus never said "walk to me, because blah blah blah" it's a simple command and when we follow i think the rewards we reap are so much more than the pain experienced. i mean peter can say "i walked on water!" who can say that? not i. of course right now i'm like at the point where it's hard to hold on, because i see the stormy clouds, and the vicious waves and i'm lacking, and perhaps slipping into a little of a "why me pity" mood. but it never lasts too long, because i have to remember to praise God! and i guess when it's all over, i can say "i walked on water" but not exactly...haha, maybe one day.

anyways it's been hard because my whole GI tract is like messed up, from my tongue and taste buds to my stomach to my intestines. it's hard to keep food down, i threw up a few days ago (well, i've been throwing up) and every time i eat it's like a battle. remember how i said i love to eat, and a lot of good memories came from those times? gosh, i try to hold on to that as i swallow little by little. but i must right? to get better. it's just hard, i wont lie.
but no servant is greater than the master, and Jesus gave it all for me, so i guess fighting on is a must. so i tell myself.

but praise God, i think my intestines and stomach is getting stronger ad stronger, i havent vomited for 2 days! it's progress, even if it sounds silly. i'm very greatful to my parents, and other people from church who have made buns and stuff, my parents send me food everyday, so i can avoid eating hospital food (which def will make me throw up)

so lately i've been listening to pandora.com it's an online radio, and it plays songs of a similar genre and stuff, so i've been listening to chris tomlin, hillsong, david crowder, jeremy camp, those kinda people (christian music) and singing along. it's a good stress reliever, though i dont sing well, and i'm sure the nurses think i'm insane. so i dont sing too loudly (plus i have no energy to belt out in song) once i was singing, and i just felt so relieved of my burden, i just broke down and cried and sang as i cried. i think that's an acceptable way to worship too, just coming very very bare before the Lord, i think psalms david does so, many times. it's quite a blessed time.

elder yeh brought me some interesting christian movies, so i think i'll be watching those the next few days with my mom. i'm excited. i started "this much i know" by wally lamb, given to me, like i said, by my good friend jing xi. usually during the day though, it's morning i get up brush and wash. then i lay in bed until my mom comes and then i eat rice porridge and buns. then i lay in my bed while i try to digest that, it comes up every once in a while. then i go out to walk in the halls for a very short time, but lately i'm always tired and weak. i cant even walk up straight, i'm bent like an old lady haha. then i come back and take a nap and then eat and then try to dissolve and then walk some more. then it's dinner time, and my mom helps me wash, and then leave, and then i sing my songs, update my blog, go onnline and watch tv shows until around 9pm ish and i try to sleep (with help from drugs). it's a SUPER exciting life, right? haha i'm just holding on to what i can do with my new life, when i'm out of here. thought some of you would like to know the detail (boring, yes?) of my life.

my dad told me that his small group brothers and sisters want to get me a christmas gift, how nice! we spent 20 minutes on the phone trying to figure out what i wanted. i didnt want anything, pda? no...art stuff? no.. anything electronic? nooo... but then i remembered that when i get better, i will get back to sewing and making clothes, so i thought of some useful things. maybe i'll post pictures of them later, since it's hard to explain what they are. i told my dad i'd post some pictures. but i think it's so nice for so many aunties and uncles to care for me so much! at first my dad was like 'what do you want?' "I want to go hoooooome!!!" haha.

hoping for that day! hope hope hope, forever.

break out the cake day -1

2009-12-10T16:22:00.000-08:00

helloooo everyone who reads, and those who read my blog (harhar)
because i'm sure most of you read...

anyways. i say break out the cake because my total body irradiation is done and officially over with, for the rest of my life (let's pray for it to be so!) so the past few days i've been vomiting and being all grossed out every second of life, which made the days very miserable and hard to get through (i'm not going to lie). i never could have possibly imagined what all of the people previous to me, and those coming after me, will have to experience, lets just pray God has mercy on them. i dont think people ever realize (i know this sounds so clique, but true) how much they have to be thankful for just to be able to swallow a bit of food, and to enjoy it at that! so the past few days during radiation, i've been praising God, praying to him, and remembering some good ol memories from my 19 years of life. i realized, ironically, that a lot of my good memories come from eating...hahaha, how sad. like how in high school going off campus every day with april nanato driving her little car, and me and linda and juliana and lisa yelling at her (mostly me) while she drives like a manic, while we go to bojangles to get our deep fried goodness. such good memories. and the time i got to pig out just once at uchicago medicial center, when my mom allowed me to order some (fake) chinese take out from some local resturant, i ate SO much, it was so enjoyable. and like how when i go to china and eat from the street vendors, and the memories go on pertaining to food. it's just really ironic, that i can enjoy it so much, and memories can be made based on how you eat, weird right? i think in psychology food makes a good memory cue. so i suppose that this period of time will be remembered as the low time when i could barely eat.

but it's okay because it's over! yay! and i do wish i could eat cake...though i can't.

my mom says that tomorrow will be like a new birthday for me, because i'm getting a new immune system! that's exciting, i'm nervous of course, about the outcome and all of that. so for all of you who have leaving comments and reading and praying for me (by the way thank you all for your comments! they make me smile, even over my queasy stomach haha and i'm very glad to meet all of you in such a strange, 21st century way through a blog, but soon through person i hope)
- pray that the cord blood will be taken in my body successfully, and that my body will not be stubborn like myself, and accept it willingly and gladly, and God be merciful
- pray that i wont have weird complications like graft verses host, or like bloody urine, or any other side effects (i'm really praying for a mircale, so i can be like my God can wow the doctors, right! i mean there is a saying that doctors are performing miracles everyday, but not like those that our God can!)
- also that i can go through this period without getting an infection, a major thing, or a fever (which is a sign of infection). a nurse told me that she's only witness 1 or 2 people go through this without a fever (meaning it's very few), but i tell her I can pray, and God can make miracles happen, so lets!
- though i dont like being in the hospital for a very long time, pray that God will watch the cord bloods engraft and that when it does engraft, it's secure, and i wont relapse or have to go through this process again. i know one girl on the floor a couple doors down, relapsed and had to come back fro the second time, poor thing.

those are the major prayer requests now, and i think what Auntie Jan Pan told me about what Uncle Robert Pan said once, "i'm here because of everyone's prayer" i think it's so true. of course prayer doesnt seem like such a big deal to me before, i mean it's something we all do, but when you pray do you actually believe the power of it? i think it's insane to think about, you know? sometimes i pray and at the same time i'm saying "God save me" i'm doubting "are you really going to God?" is that testing God? i don't know, maybe i do it too many times, and so i'm in the situation. but anyways i want to be able to believe (faith that moves mountains right) when i pray, how much more powerful is that?!

um well i'm working my way through the bible, and books people have given me, it's been going slow, because i still don't feel like doing anything these days. just laying in bed, and spending time with my mom by my side. when she leaves, i feel so lonely at the hospital, but i think it's necessary. this morning as i was being transported to and from duke south to north, i saw this kid, he/she must have been a kid, he was about the size of a 10 year old, but looked like a new born baby, all bald and little feet and hands, being wheelchaired into the radiation clinic, and i felt so heartbroken. i mean he (don't know if he's a he.. i'm just saying) looked so venerable and sad, and i think he was sucking on this thumb, or had his hand near his mouth. i just prayed for him for an instant, but to imagine going through life like that, at such a young age. sometimes i think i'm fortunate to have 19 years of good memories to dwell on during these times, but it's so not fair for those kids. i don't know what God does, but i guess i must trust Him, after all he says he will never abandon those who love Him.

so i spend a lot of time waiting, in a wheelchair, at the radiation clinic, waiting for my treatment. i see nurses and doctors pass by, laughing, and joking, and i think to myself "to be on the opposite side of hospital care is so nice, i'd rather be the nurse taking care of the patient, then be sitting here in a really uncomfortable wheelchair, staring off to the distance" i saw a bunch of nurses gathered by computers, gossiping about some other nurse who likes to flirt with doctors, and it made me laugh, but then to my other side i hear a patient behind a curtain talk about he lives at sunset valley (is that what it's called? dont know if it's a real place), and how he drives so far out here, and needs 4 to 5 treatments, and how he's taking a steriod for pain or something, and i think the two sides of health care (well just 2 of the sides, since there are a lot) are so vastly different, who besides God is to say which side you're on? anyways, just some musings.

a lot of people here think i'm a boy, because i'm always wearing a mask, and i have barely any hair, and i guess i look pretty bad. it makes me laugh. the transportation guy keeps saying "morning mr. he" or "good luck to you mr. he", haha. and this lady who's the mom of the relapse patient was talking to my mom, like "hows your son". siiigh. oh well maybe God will give me some kinda of crazy internal beauty that will like blind everyone one day, hahaha. i think i'm done for tonight.

thank you all for reading! it makes me feel like i'm actually doing something for some reason, instead of being pointless.
my savior loves, lives, and saves! praise the lord. i've been finding things to praise God for, that's the only way to live life! today i praise him for not letting me throw up, for finishing my TBI and MOVING ON WITH LIFE! how much better my life will be after this, i will be able to enjoy it tenfold more. yay!

brightening up day -4

2009-12-07T14:44:00.000-08:00

helloooo.

so today was much better than yesterday. i think i was feel so restless and pointless yesterday because of the compasine (spelling error?) that they gave me, which is a drug for antinausea, but it has steriods in it, so it makes you kinda restless. let me tell you, that is not a good feeling, at all. not being able to sit down and do anything is like leading a pointless existance.

also last night, because of this compasine drug that they gave me, my jaws start twitching to one side, like the lower jaw would keep twitching to the left side, it scared me alot. they gave me some traquilizer and a heat pack to calm me down. but i was pretty freaked out.

it's a really good thing that my mom comes everyday to stay with me for most of the day, otherwise i would be totally lost. it's times like these that i realize how blessed i am to have such a supportive family, and i konw i've said this before, but i'm feeling it ever so much now. my mom being here makes me smile, and helps me get through the hard tasks of the day, and the restlessness, and when she leaves at night, it really makes me tear up, because i think how much i love my mother, and how much she must love me, to go through with all of this with me.
i am also very greatful to my father and brother, they've been skyping (video conferencing with me)from home. it's been an enjoyable experience.
i am crying as i type this, because i am over come with emotion.

well onto the latest news. i started TBI today, which is total body irradiation. basically they have this huge machine and they shine radioactive waves onto me, while i sit crawled up in this strange position. i had to go at 6:45 am and then again at 3pm. usually though it's from 7-9am and 1-3pm, but the actual radiation exposure is not for 3 hours, it just takes a long time to set up, it actually is only about 10 minutes, give or take. if you could, or find time to pray during those times in your day, please pray that God will protect all of my internal orgrans from damage, since i would love to be able to have them healthy after the transplant! I also prayed throughout the radiation, for protectionand praise for allthe people praying for me.

well it's day 04, and so that means i have day -3, -2, and -1 before my actual transplant. hopefully God will be merciful to me and not let me stay in the hospital for too long, i hate feeling like a caged bird, and i do want to go home, and breath the fresh air.
but it does give perspective to normal living, the things we usually take granted for.

anyways, i'm glad i'm not as restless today, and can sit down and type all of this for people who follow on my situation. thanks again, and your care is not forgotten!
I love you mom and dad, and aaron! :)

blech

2009-12-06T08:16:00.000-08:00

so basically i'm here bored to death. i mean i have a lot of things to do actually, i just dont have the interest in doing anything. i feel kinda lost, kinda pointless. like directionless. i donno, it feels awful...

but to update. the night i wrote my last entry, i had a skin rash from the tape they were using on me, and that was very uncomfy, but better now. i had a bit of nausea and vomiting from my first dose of chemo yesterday morning.

anyways i am not writing much because i just don't feel very up to it at all right now.

Settling In

2009-12-03T17:13:00.000-08:00

Well I got to the hospital today, it's been quite a busy few days.

Yesterday I had a minor surgery to remove my old port and put in a new hickman catheter (I wasn't too pleased with that arrangement, of course). So they gave me like double dose of this sedation thing, and I WAS AWAKE THE WHOLE TIME, and very aware of my surroundings. How unfortunate. I must say, it wasn't all that fun. They did numb me up though, in the area they were slicing open. But the sedation medication hit me right after the procedure, so I was really sleepy and nauseated afterwards.

This morning, my mother took me to the hospital. The whole way there, and on the way up in the elevator and going through the doors of 9200 at Duke Hospital, I still could not believe that it was actually happening - which is strange, right? Since I knew about it for months now, and should have been quite prepared (emotionally, physically, spiritually, any other -ually's), but I couldn't process that it was happening to me MENTALLY. I guess the way my brain is wired is really strange, I never realize anything is actually happening/happened until like months later. It's crazy.

So now that I'm hear, I'm glad to have gotten to this point and getting over this step. After all I wouldn't want to drag this on forever. God is always faithful, and has taken me this far, so I am sure I will make it to the end. Praise the Lord!

So I will now post the vague idea of how the transplant works (for those who don't know, or want to know more?), and also just major prayer requests.
Today I got a dose of chemo (I won't go into the specifics unless you are dying to know what kind of chemical they are putting in my veins...), and tomorrow, and Saturday I will be getting double dose chemo. Sunday I get a rest (how appropriate, haha), Monday to Thursday I will be getting Total Body Irradiation twice a day for about 20-30 minutes (hopefully less).
So prayer request for these couple of days is just that God will really watch over me and minimal side effects, also with TBI (radiation) there is a high chance of internal organ damage (actually that comes with chemo too...), so pray that my organs will be kept healthy and strong, just like they are before they entered the whole chemo treatment cycle. I believe that the Lord can do this, and I am praying for it to be so.

Also I would like to let everyone know that I am very grateful for all the financial assistance that me, and my family have been receiving from friends, and church family, and people who work with my parents. So far I think Chinese Baptist Church has opened a financial aid account for me, and my own home church (Raleigh Chinese Christian Church) will be opening one soon. Thank you all so much! And God really does provide for all of us, sometimes through the love of other people, so that is a praise I wanted to share.

I will be receiving the cord bloods next Friday, if all goes as planned, and so I would like to ask brothers and sisters to help pray that the cord bloods will be accepted well in my body, and that they wont be rejected, or they wont reject my own body (so I wont get Graft vs. Host), and pray that the engraftment will come sooner than later (that's when the stem cells finally take hold in my body). The sooner they come, the less time period for infection and other things, and also the sooner I can be discharged from Duke. Yay! My mom said that maybe God will give me that for Christmas this year, haha. Usually for cord blood, engraftment takes about 30-60 days, so if God gives it to me by Christmas, then that would be like less than 30 :) Lets all pray that God can use me to surprise these doctors and nurses, hehe.

Also with all of these treatments, of course there are long term effects, like damaged organs. Also an increased chance of a secondary cancer. Also I will probably have to avoid the sun like the plague from now on, because that triggers GVHD. Anyways, my mom really fears (and I guess I do too to some level) that I won't ever be "normal" again. She was saying "you'll never be able to work in the yard! you'll never be able to travel, or go to china again! you'll never..."etc, etc. Lets pray that, that is not the case (because that would be terrible!).

So they have a wii up in this unit, and they're going to force me to probably use it. Haha...something about getting exercise everyday. That should be interesting. So the food wasn't THAT bad today, I managed to eat most of it (haha, I know I complain about Duke food a lot...), and they have free ice cream yay!

I've also got a lot of things to entertain me with. I've got my new sims3 game! Also a few friends gave me some good books to read, including (thank you Tiffany) 7 books in one collection of CS Lewis (whom I adore), and (thank you Jing Xi) a big fat book that I forgot the title to (will let you know later) that looks like it will help me with my writing - hehe. I will also be trying to become an amazing writer at this time (haha, dreaming big), considering a change of majors when I go back (this is huge, since econ was pretty much set for me) and a new devotionals from Uncle Jan, a Bible magazine, and Jesus's Prayer workbook that I can go through, plus my blog!.

So I'm sure you're thinking, that was a run-on sentence, which makes me technically a horrible writer. Oh well. And that was a fragment.

This is getting kind of long, I think my dad is still updating my calender, if you peoples read that. If not, then, well...that's too bad.

I think I will end it here, but I will update later, hopefully when I'm not feeling too bad. Thank you all for your support!
<3

There must always be a first

2009-11-30T17:20:00.000-08:00

Hello, hello! So I've never created a blog before, and I thought, after much encouragement (slash nagging, and pushing - haha) from my dad, and other people, I thought I'd go ahead and create this blog. Basically it's going to be about what the title indicates, which is (translated to English I can understand) The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, which sums up life.

But that title was taken, so I went to dictionary.com and came up with somewhat similar words - haha the power of dictionaries.

Later I guess I'll update prayer requests, and what's going to happen during transplant, and all that jazz. Just wanted to post, and see how things are.

<3