lets take a journey back in time, day +37

so much for letting me out tomorrow. i was so excited, but probably a little too eager to get out, rushed a bit too fast, and made my gut worse. so we all know about my lovely little GVHD, which if you don't know what is, google! or wiki or something. but apparently i have it bad. bad bad bad. i cant eat without pain shooting through me, but good thing is my white counts is stable, so the stem cells are in there for good, for good.

i think i was, and maybe still am a little, going through a bit of a depression, to be truthful. i was so low in my spirits, i read 90 minutes in heaven by don piper, and i know he went through so much more pain and crap than me, for such a longer period of time, and at first i didnt understand. but then i did, why he didn't want to live any more, he just wanted to go home, to heaven. i felt like that for a few days. why do i still live, God? i just want to be released from all of this torment, but i think i still have a reason to be here right? but i donno, i was just so low, this hospital really sucks the soul out of a person, and i dont think anyone can really imagine how so until they go through it. i cant even imagine it haha, and i'm going through it. i think it must be really really hard on my family too, they must be so stressed and unhappy to be here as well. pray for them!

but when i look back on this whole process, since i donno, june 2009? it's been long. i look at my friends, and they're all taking their gmats and pcats and mcats, and i feel the world passing over me, and i feel like i'd been taken out of time and i'm in this little zone where time is like flowing torwards a blackhole. gaaaaah. but even though i sit here and complain and cry out to the Lord, i can't help to be admit how amazing God is to me. I went through so much, He's been so faithful this whole time. like my induction chemo at uchicago, i knew nothing about leukemia, about transplant, about cancer, about sickness, and he brought me through so effortlessly, it felt like i was only gliding through the problem. like His hands where always cuffed around me, as He carried me through it all. so even though i was sick i was floating. then i got home from uchicago, and the pain hit, but he carried me through it. through all the little details, like how i almost missed my airplane and God delayed it just enough for me to get on a wheelchair and get on the plane. okay i think i mentioned this example before, but it's like the little things, that surprise you how well God takes care of His children. that's how faithful He is, and all the little steps i've taken to get here.

but anyways. i think it finally hit me how long this whole recovery process will be, it's SO slow. i have no patience. i want to get out to the world again, to be able to breath fresh air, and to go to restaurants and to play with my friends, and TO EAT HAPPILY. i think God is ironic, taking away my favorite thing in the world, eating. i pray for a quick recovery.

anyways. the other day i had no blood cells and i was feeling so dizzy and crappy, and my night nurse wouldnt accommodate and ran my magnesium super fast, making me feel so crappy. but after some blood transfusion, and they put me back on my iv pain killers, to help with all the cramping. sigh.

just wanting to eat a happy meal (no, not mcdonalds, though french fries sound so good)! praying and waiting for that day. and when i can get out of the hospital. and then slowly when i can be reintroduced to the world! trying to keep my spirits up! i made a deal with my GI tract. i said. i'll be good to you now, and you heal quickly, and let me eat all the good food i want. haha.

UPDATE!!! it's like 3:16 am and i'm suffering from insomnia, or at least from these steroids. yuck. haha. i just remembered that andy shared a good link with me about cancer, but i think it can affect non cancer patients who take life seriously...lol it's insightful and i think even before i read the article, God was slowly teaching these things to me. like knowing that our days our limited is a type of wisdom, and hurt and cancer is not wasted when God is in control. it's comforting to know, though it's still hard... here's the link:
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TasteAndSee/ByDate/2006/1776_Dont_Waste_Your_Cancer/

and i'm excited about that all you can eat buffet Auntie :D
i think i'm getting at little better with this GVHD, i think God will bring me out of it quickly. i was reading jeremiah a while a go, ...can't sleep. and even through all that wrath God was going ot pour out on Judah because of her unfaithfulness, He always left them with hope, with the return, with Him redeemning them. with Him saying 'i have plans to prosper you, not to harm you', so even through 70 years of exile, God still remembers, and still has the plan from the beginning of eternity for the good of us who believe. i believe that when this is all over, i will be a very very very blessed person. well i already am, but it's hard to feel it sometimes?

i feel kinda stupid and bratty for complaining about not being able to eat, because i know there are people, who are even pretty close to me, that are going through worse, and today i found myself saying "i dont care about other people pains anymore, i cant even handle my own" but OMG i cannot lose myself in that kind of thinking, because then my cancer, my whole experience will be wasted. and that would be a terrible waste of my 19th-20th year of life. tho of course i think it's still unfair i cant eat, i need to know 1. God is awesome 2. there are so many who need love, and I have enough that i horde and wont share.

there is this girl on the same unit, she popped in my room this evening to ask if she can chat with me, she's pretty young i guess, guetting a cord blood, but her parents live in va, so they cant be here like mine all the time to be with her. she must be so lonely. when she first came in i was all shocked cuz she just took off her mask and had like no 2nd thought to cross contamination or anything, and i was annoyed for a sec. but i think, maybe this is the once chance i have in the hospital to be able to bless the Lord with this opportunity, or have Him bless someone through me, so maybe I'll try to chat and talk to her tomorrow in the halls. she seems so lonely, i know it would suck if my parents didnt come everyday. i pray that i dont turn into a cold hearted mean spirited, depressed, selfish unloving person through all of this, ha. i mean the point of all of this is so that God can refine me like a potter to a clay right? it wouldnt make any sense for me to get worse...so i gotta get outta this "i only care about myself" stage/depression and i need to get out there for God! pray i can do this, and that He who gives all good things gives me strength.

but of course i'm still hoping to get out of here ASAP. oh my dad set up a donation account for anyone who can help out financially, or just spread the word would help alot. the website is ntafund.org and i think you search for my name "Xingyue He" (donno if there is a sarah in there, prob not) it's like a non profit that helps people collect fundraising for paying for medical bills and all this. you can get tax deductions i think that is why my dad was going for that, for other people who do donate, and you can use credit card and stuff. donno exactly how it works yet, but that's the website i think. please help spread the world!

but thank you all for those who already helped financially, like a lot ofpeople at my dad's work, and cbc and friends :) it means so, so, so, muuch. and all the prayers and food and support mean even more, this is how i am being sustained i do believe. i wouldnt have made it this far without other people helping me through. sometimes i cant even express how i feel to God besides in groaning and screaming and crying for no reason. but thank God for the Holy Spirit who can translate my nonesense to God in prayers!

well i guess i should try to sleep. hope everyone is enjoying life and praising the Lord always! :)