it's been so long, day +33

first of all, sorry for being absent for so long. i've been through so much pain and discomfort these past few weeks, i've lost interest in the outside world, and havent had much energy for updating blogs and going online. some ofthis stuff i typed a while ago. some is recent updates. just letting all of you know

so, my typing is getting really crappy, like if i misspell things like "while blood cells" instead of "white blood cells" or if i spell NONATO wrong (haha april), i think i'm a bit scatter brained, and i know how to spell (actually not really) usually.
also thank everyone who has been sending me emails like juliana and linda, lu, tiffany, and others, and people on fb, though i dont check fb, because i dont really feel like being in touch with people only a superficial level right now, like the whole "oh how are you doing, i'm doing great" but not really, because everyone has a story but no one takes the time to listen, esp not on fb, whatever, i dont know how to express it really. though i enjoy getting fb messages, that i never reply to because i read the message, and think of all the things to say back, but dont feel like actually typing it out, so i apologize for that.
and also thank you christine lee for the ipod shuffle because it's getting me through the long days, and i'm listening to some music i've never heard before, it's an interesting experience to listen to music picked by other people.
and thank you everyone for commenting, especially for your dedicated reading, because i think if i was well, i wouldnt want to keep reading depressing thoughts from a sick girl everyday, haha. but i'm a very selfish and unloving person, who is hopefully going to change after all of this.
as for Auntie Jeannie's very useful comments: i am allergic to one of the medicines. i got another rash after posting the last blog, and the docs realized it was one of the drugs they were giving me, though i didnt get a rash before, but then they increased the frequency, i started getting rashes. it's so itchy, with a rash, i feel itchy all over because of my very dry skin.

so update, though i'm sure some of you read the calender my dad writes, (not always the most accurate since he's not really here with me) but i'll update you none the less. so since the last time we've talked, i had been bleeding A LOT, and they couldnt realy get it under control, i bleed for like 2 weeks. lost a lot of good blood, but finally after a lot of iv estrogen and pills and all that, it stopped. LOTS and lots of pain, and then i started having lots of diaherra, so it's hard to sit at the toliet in pain for like 15 minuites, for all of you who've had bad diaherra know, it's EXHAUSTING. but i'd been having it 6 or7 times a day SOOOOOOOO tiring and painful, i had to be put on morphine/pain killers. it started out every 4 hours, but they increased it to every 2 hours because i was in so much pain, then it become a button i could push everytime it hurts, and now they took me off of it, because they're treating my GVHD with steriods and stuff, so they want me to get out of the hospital without depending on iv stuff. it's been hard these past few days without my pain killer, but i'm slowly getting better. but i dont think i could have ever imagined what people have to go through, if i never went through this myself. everyday i tell God, 'I'm tried, Lord, i just want rest, i just want to be normal'. it's been very very very hard. but i think this time i've really learned to praise God through everything.

got a virus in my bone marrow that theyre treating, got realy bad gvhd (did i just mention that?) and a virus in my urinary tract, so over all, its been lots of uncomfy-ness and pain, but i'm getting there. they say maybe i can go home next week! or to an apartment in durham. home will be a little further off. i cant wait. i really cant.


a BIG thank you to AAIV from uchicago for sending me so many cards and encouraging comments! it really made my christmas day, my parents brought the cards and gifts to me. also thanks everyone else for sending me stuff and keeping my spirits up, i have to admit it was pretty low for a long time.

and merry LATE LATE christmas. but i figured its okay, because technically Jesus was boring in the spring right? haaha... it's never too late to celebrate His birth, nor is it ever too early. i remember several christmas-es ago (a long time ago actually) when it REALLY hit me, one christmas eve service at church, when it hit me how much Jesus meant to me, meant to the world. that christmas i remember really wanting a portable dvd player (those were all the rage back then) and i something else, but i couldnt really ask for it, because i knew my parents were going through hard financial times. but after that eye opening night, i was SO content, so at peace, so joyful, i didn't want anything else. and ironically God always provides more than enough, and some uncle gave me a portable dvd player (without even me mentioning it at all!) and the other thin gi wanted, i dont even remember. but i remember being so amazed, though it sounds silly, how God provides and all good things come from Him. praise the Lord! though this past christmas was really hard on me, and i'm sure on my family, i still couldnt stop from praising God for being who He is, always. now i'm just blabbing. i'm so scatterbrained these days.but yeah, He knows our hearts, it reminds me of king solomon, when he asked for wisdom, but God gave him so much more. He's amazing.
reminds me of:
seek ye first
the kingdom of God...
that songs. always seeking His kingdom, always always.

anyways hope everyone is enjoying the beginning of 2010. i cant believe it's 2010. I can't believe how i spent my 19th year of life, it's the strangest thing. if i had known how much pain i would go through with this transplant would I hvae choosen it? I don't know, i'm not strong like people think. God is strong, He held me through, but I donno if i would pick this path on my own choosing. but if I had the sight of God, of eternity, of the glory that God pronmised me as an inheritance with Jesus Christ, would I pick this path? it's so hard to say. anyways i'm done for today, its just been a catching up, sorry for it being so random, and not really making sense. I havent had time to make sense of everything yet.

God is good. always.