PRISON BREAK!!!! day +41

haha isn't that a show? prison break? whatever. i feel like i can finally get out of this mental asylum place. so in the past 3 days or so, i was having like serious mental/physiological breakdowns. it started a few nights ago, i just started liked crying and then bawling and then my whole body started jittering and shaking violently, and i couldnt make myself either, and i think people thought i was possessed or something. they gave me some tranquilizers haha to calm me down, but then the next morning it came again, i seriously was like one of those people who were like possessed by a demon like on a scary money or something. scared the crap out of me, and my mom got all freaked out and started yelling at me, which freaked me out even more, and i was in the room creating quite the chaos. i think people outside in the halls were like WHAT IN THE WORLD? so a bunch of nurses rushed in and tried to calm me down and stuff.
lol seriously being in here has some HUGE mental strain. but yup so then 2 days ago, they were like okay maybe you should take the wheel chair, put on a mask and go downstairs for some fresh air, which i did. and PRAISE THE LORD FOR FRESH AIR AND NATURE. i only sat in this empty courtyard for like max of 15 minutes, wrapped in blankets in a wheelchair, looking like a sick person....haha. when i was healthy, i would would pass people like that and never really give a second thought to what kinds of hell they are going through, but i think, i think i can comprehend just a little now.

but the fresh air was so nice on my face. its like being kissed by the wind, i heard birds chirping and my mom went to grab some eel sushi to eat while we were outside. and the smell of eel sushi (which i love and cannot eat now...) made me so happy. lol when i saw her chew i could imagine in my head chewing and savoring the taste. ahhhh. it was a good, blessed 15 minutes. then i had to go back to my room, but that made my day. so yesterday they let me out again for freshair, but when we went it was drizzling outside. oh well.

so health updates, basically my HHV6 virus is undercontrol, so my white blood cells are stable on its own now, without having to get those stimulating shots everyday! yay! but they are still giving me like 3 different kinds of immune suppressents (which I'll be on for months) so i still have no immune system. siiigh. and this polyoma (i dont know if that's spelled right) pee pee virus is creating a lot of internal burning and spasms, which they're giving me oral morphine to help now. haha looks like i'll be on pain medicine for a looong time, since this virus doesnt really go away that fast, and my immune system is still suppressed. but yeah so when i pee, blood comes out, and it HURTS. it's not AS bad as some people the nurses tell me, so praise God for that, but prayerfully it'll go away soon.

my GVHD i think is improving just so slightly. i've been able to eat like riceredbean porridge and like chicken broth with noodles and stuff like that. before i really wanted to rush things and just eat like a big ol hearty mean, but i think i'm learning.

learning is a lifetime process. and the stuff that's hard to learn isnt even like multivariable calc or whatever, but the fruits of the Spirit.

anyways. with my fingers and legs crossed, and my hope in God, they might let me out this afternoon! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. yes. i'll update later.