i have neglected this for a long time...

wellllllll....so i've been out of the hospital for a couple of weeks now? i donno, i've lost track of time.
i'm sure some of you have been following my fathers more medical side of the situation.

i'm still a little scatterbrained by everything thats going on/what happened to me the past few weeks. so i moved into "north point" that's part of Oakwood contemporary housings. it's really nice, it's all furnished and has kitchen supplies (of course very different than chinese cooking stuff, and everytime we try to actually cook, the fire alarm would go off haha.) but yeah 2 bedroom, i took some pics maybe i'll post some pictures up later about my whole process.

but basically every morning i get up, eat breakfast and a whole cup of nasty pills that makes really nervous and unhappy and etc. and of course there is a cup of pills during lunch, and at night for dinner. way to ruin eating right? i donno i think i've developed some kind of psychological scared-ness from it. like i dread the morning, and i think all the pills that are supposed to make me "feel good" or w/e wears off then in the morning too, so mornings are the worst for me. i'm always a bit jittery, nervous, i donno, i work up literally SCARED. i think it's finally hit me how long it will take, and i think i've been kinda focusing on the very immediate things, and so i'm like totally freaking out. i think my spirit and faith is being really stretched. i've been having a lot belly/abdominal pain (and the doctors dont really know why, but they don't think its really part of the GVHD) and sometimes battling diarrhea which is sooooooo tiring, i think you can imagine.

i donno, mornings are scary for me, maybe i'm just losing it, i think i was def going through a little depression. i feel like i'm praying all the time for relief, but it just doesnt come... i guess i mean everyone goes through this process has to deal with this, but sometimes, just sometimes i feel like God has abandoned me, but i mean i KNOW he hasnt, just when i'm in immense pain, it's hard to look forward, or even look backward to see progress you know? so lately i've been keeping a journal of my progresses and what has been happening and hopefully every week i can look back and praise the Lord for being so good to me, because i know He is. it's just hard. i have a very very weak spirit right now, i need lots and lots of prayers to get out of this gloomy-ness because it's really not helping me recover.

anyways my urinary virus is getting better, i even noticed it, though sometimes i get intense tummy aches, sometimes because i'm hungry, but other times i donno...why it hurts. and i take SO many pills now, because i'm not in the hospital to do it by iv. and some of it hurts me when i take it down.

but i have to trust in God's timing right? i keep thinking back to joseph, and how when he was little he had dreams of his family bowing down to him and all that, but what did he go through? i mean he had to wait in jail for like years, because some guy forgot about him. but God's timing is perfect right, in like one day he went from working in jail to becoming 2nd in command in egypt. it's crazy. i dont really know what i'm talking about, besides that i thought that when i got out of the hospital, i would miraculous become better...i guess i was little disappointed. and then every day it's such a struggle for me between pain (even though they gave me morphine pills.... imean thats pretty intense. i dont take much...)

i guess disappointment is something i'm battling with, though really it's all in God's hand, and He had this planned from the beginning. and i do believe that He does all these things to prosper us and allow us to live a more fullfilling life, but sometimes its hard to remember.

i also almost found myself wishing i was back in the hospital at once, because they have iv meds, and it's so much less torture for me, but then i remember the jews when they were brought out of egypt they complained about everything, even though the Lord provided so much for them. so i'm trying to find things to praise God for everyday...

i dont really know what i'm saying now. i'm finding myself really scatterbrained. my parents are under a lot of stress too, please pray for them. i think it must be hard to watch your daughter scream and moan in pain.

anyways. also my dad had helped me set up an donation account with ntafund.org, so that if anyone can or is willing to donate money they can do it right through there. it accepts credit card, so i guess that's a benefit and you can tax reductions. but i think they keep like 4% of it, but i donno, the money goes to my account under them, and they can help pay for medical bills and housing and co-payments and extra. please spread the word if you can :)
Thank you all who have already supported us! especially through prayers and all the love and food and care!!!!

last post i thought i had posted a website that andy showed me on fb about not wasting cancer, but i'm not seeing it... so i'll post it again. i think everyone should read it.
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TasteAndSee/ByDate/2006/1776_Dont_Waste_Your_Cancer/

i think some of the points on there, God has been slowly teaching me through this .... VERY SLOW ...process.

anyways. God gives me strength. that's what i've been repeating myself while trying "relaxation exercises". haha.

this blog has made no sense. at all. i've kind of lost touch with people, so i just want to appologize, and hopefully, soon i will ease myself back into reality and be more "normal" or whatever that means. :)
love you all, thank you for your support and for reading this really weird blog.