this is long due, eh? hello again world!

hello everyone! hopefully this more organized and conclusive.

okay I dont know how much i updated last time, or what i said (i probably said a lot of "i dont know whats going on, etc"), so I'll just update. Basically when i got the hospital from transplant, i was required to go to transplant clinic everyday. but at the apartment that i rented i still experienced a lot pain, from my polyoma (spelling not relevant okay!)pee-pee virus, and random belly pains. mornings were always the worst, so many pills to take with my breakfast. and lunch. and dinner. i think all random pain that i was experiencing after leaving the hospital was unexpected, i thought that when i left the hospital it would be like a miracle healing, like poof, i'm better! but i guess it didnt go as i expected, and so i became anxious and scared, scared of having pain randomly that can't be stopped, i was scared that i was improving, etc. and i think everything, all the different changes caused a lot of stress, and i dont handle stress and pain very well. i think at that time Satan was seriously attacking my mind, trying to convince me that God had abandoned me, that's how i felt. actually to tell the truth i feel like sometimes still, but i know in my heart and mind He is always faithful.

i realized that i really needed the fruits of the spirit, i needed the Peace, the Joy, the Patience, etc. I needed to learn to find comfort in God, because Jesus has victory over death and all of this right? i mean He's gone through everything, He knows. but for me, when i'm in pain, i completely lose it. so i tried to be more God minded, to find things to praise God. i needed to get out of my spiritual depression, which at that point, i still haven't really. i think it was just too much random pain, and too many pills.

sooo, a lot physical change and uncomfortable. but i realized during that time how selfish i've become and uncaring, and i withdrew from people (and this blog...as you see...). i also began treating my parents awfully, like i took advantage of their love for me to throw temper tantrums and being a brat over all. i think i add a lot of stress to my parents, and overall my family. sometimes i'm even mean to my brother, it was just bad. i think this whole experience is much much more than just the physical. i'm thinking jeremiah when he went to see the potter. i'm the clay, the clay is not comfortable, the clay is losing its spirit.

but anyways i'm determined know to not allow a foothold for satan to mess up anything. i remember reading a verse, 2 Corinthians 5:7 we walk by faith and not by sight. and that struck me a lot, because up to then i had been paying so much attention on my pain, and all the symptoms (still have that GVHD and peepee virus!), but yeah i've been so focused on that mere human eyes can see. but walking by faith is really, really hard.

especially for me right now, because well, here is the LATEST update.

so one day at clinic they realized that my red blood cells went from 8.6 to 5.8 which is a HUUUUUUUUUUUGE drop. this huge drop in rbc's means that there is massive bleeding somewhere in my body. so that fateful day at clinic, i got transported back to the hospital, and that was feb 13. and i've been here since. the first 5 days they did not allow me to eat anything, and they did not give me any iv nutrition, so i became bedridden, and all skin and bones. 120lbs for my height? that's crazy. then they made me do like 5 different tests, like sticking stuff up my colon, down my throat, making me drink a gallon of prep stuff which made me bleed more. anyways for 5 days i ate nothing, besides drinnk these nasty preps that gave me more diarrhea, but they never found where my bleeding spot(s). and now i'm on iv nutrition, but still bleeding. i get so many blood and platelet transfusions these days. the first few days, during those tests, i was so stressed so focused on the pain, i began having these spazz attacks again. it's kinda like being possessed by some kind of spirit, my arms would flail and my legs were jerk and my whole body would twist and....well bascially i looked possessed, and i couldnt speak english, and they would have to give me calming medicine. and i withdrew again from the outside world, and putting myself in misery.

but lately i'm been trying a new method. DISTRACTION. haha i have a rough draft of a small business that i want to start, and i've been trying to budget a little bit of money to plan my brothers first birthday party, and do soemthing special for all my family, because i konw i'm going through a lot, but i think them watching me, is going through a lot too. so my little business (which totally just popped in my head, i think as a gift from God) will hopefully start up after i get better. and i've been painting wooden boxes here and watching a bunch of crappy (some good) movies to keep preoccupied and the spasms and possessed weirdoness has def decreased. i praise the Lord that He is pulling me out of the spiritual low, and for the great support and care i'm getting from my parents who are probably all so stressed.

which brings me to the last point. it's been really stressful for my dad and mom, because they have to work and be with me, and be with aaron, but take time off to see me. and our financial situation is not looking good at all, so thank you all who have donated, whether in case or to the ntafund. but i donno. i'm scared for my parents health, and job and they're barely working, so we have like no money. i've been asking friends around to help me do fundraising, but anyways. God will provide.

Thank you all for reading my blog, though it may not make any sense to some of you, but thank you for your support, whether financially or through prayer, or through service (i'm hearing from my parents that lots of aunties and uncles have brought yummmy food over....too bad i cant eat any of it but it's so nice!)

we must all proceed with a thankful heart, praise the Lord! keeping myself distracted until God heals me. and you know i really wish i could touch the cloak of Jesus Christ, like that woman did so long ago, but then i remembered He left us the Holy Spirit.

Praise the Lord always! hopefully i'll update more recently since i'm trying to make an effort to getting better, no just physically but mentally, spiritally. finding peace at times like this, using faith at a time like this, this is where it becomes real.