hello, i'm here! surprised?

It's March! Almost spring time, and I love spring!...Actually to tell the truth I like all the seasons :)

Anyways so update time! The physical/medical side first I guess then we'll delve into my thinkings (which, I know, doesn't make sense to some of you at all). So basically, let's recap. I've been sent back to the hospital after about a month of outpatient clinic, for massive bleeding. That was Feb 13, 2010. WOW. Another long stay at the hospital uh? I'm trying to the make the best of it, since in the last blog I bascially already told you about my massive bleeding, and how i'm basically a guinea pig and they tried like 5903420984039 different tests on me, and could not find the bleeding spot. One of the bone marrow doctors told me "sarah you are the mystery" which make me laugh inwardly (i prob looked unhappy on the outside...lol) because when i started this whole treatment i said to God "Lord lets give these doctors a show, and we're going to make it so that they are rendered completely unworthy when compared to Your Sovereign Healing, lets make it a mystery for them, and then show that only God can Heal with just a word, or a thought."

okay so my faith was a little stronger then, thought I really don't know what i was thinking, because i really am a mystery now, and none of the like 30 doctors i've seen can figure out where i'm bleeding (which means they can stop it...). siiiigh. i should becareful what i ask for eh? but i guess its also party of learning to walk by faith. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS??? because we're like evidence people, we see, we believe. but to SEE, really see?? AAAAAAH. then i start doubt myself, like well is that me seeing it and just having foolish hope? or is that really from God. Well anyways lately i've been very moody (poor father and mother who has to be with me everyday....) watching a lot of werido movies, and some reruns, trying to distract myself, thought the littlest things set me off. like if my parents stay in my room for like more than 7 hours i start freakingout and having spazz attacks. like i LOVE my parents, and they're going through so much stress and complications and financial problems and stuff like that, but i'm still a very seflish brat, and i through my frustrations on them. but i found that i do better alone in my room for most of the day, so when my parents say for longer than like 7 hours, i start freaking out and becoming possessed-like. it's a very strange phenomenon. but i donno.

so the other day they made me swallow this monstrous pill, except that it was a blinking camera, and it was supposed to take pictures as it traveled through my guts, while i wore this bulking werido machines with sticker sensors taped all over my torso, so they can collect pictures so see where i am bleeding. this is like the last resort almost. it was soooooooo uncomfortable to say the least, but at least they didnt make me drink a gallon of diaherra inducing crap. cheers! sigh. so the camera is still in my body, it's been 2 days....hopefully i can poo it out soon. how weird is it to have a camera in your guts floating around?

but yeah so, moving onto my more spiritual/mental state. which is probably not as healthy either. my mom said i need to stop complaining about things and just move forward. i think she's right, of course it didnt make me happy to hear it, but i know i complain a lot, i do so, even when i wasnt sick (but trust me, i will not be so picky/complaining after all this is done! heh) anyways so my father and i (daddy's idea, he is our family's giant spirital leader)will be fasting for 2 days, i hope i wont pass out or something, since i'm already kinda weak...but FAITH. i think just being here, 1. for the 2nd time, 2. since feb 13 (it's been long long weeks of bleeding) 3.the doctors actually telling me i'm a mystery and they cant figure me out is very disheartening. so my dad says we shall fast for 2 days and plead with the Lord. I honestly am a little scared, because when i was healthy i did 30hr famine for church and it well, but right now i havent had anything by watery food, for weeks, i'm asking God for major strength to go through this. But mainly i just want to be healed completely (which i feel like God has already promised me....but the TIMING!!! timing...sigh)

also, all my experiences, at first i wanted to hide, but realized God is using this for testimony to other people. recently (i wont reveal actual name) a really good friend that i value a lot joined bible study!!! made me very emotional/happy/crying. being used by God, maybe make this worthwhile.

i realized when i get better i want to be an agent of God that can just bring joy and God's love to people, because i've realized how much life is a gift, and i have to get through the disease. acts 20:24 however, i consider my life worth nothing to me, if only i may finish the race and complete the task the lord Jesus has given me-the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.
i think that takes so much faith to say and actually do, at least for me, because i tend to focuz on the physical a lot, and walking by faith is really hard. perhaps i'm just too weak, but when i'm in pain, its so hard to focuz on God and His Grace, soemtimes i cry out to him and ask him WHYYYYY ARE YOU NOT THERE, WHY IS YOUR TIMING SO SLOW, WHY HAVE YOU ABANDONED ME??? but in my mind i know He would never, but my soul was in so much anguish. but i think when i heard that my friend was joining bible study, i cried for like 10 minutes straight out of joy, because she said she was inspired by my situation, and all i did was sit and complain. God is merciful eh? He still allowed me witness andtake part of bring glory to His kingdom even though i did nothing but sit around groaning.

i'm discovering, or rather rediscovering the power prayer with faith!!! the healing of my bleeding, lots of bleeding after scan, but then after that no more bloody stool, feb 25, thurs, had brown stool (little blood clot) but God is faithful, it's not bloody!!! power of prayer with faith. i think those 2 days where a while ago (because...as if right now i still am bleeding quite a lot), but like i remember just praying, in precious Jesus's name and God had given me peace. but see then the blood came back, and i was soooo disappointed. why Lord, would you do this? is this walking by faith, knowing you have healed me, but what i see is the contrary?

Anyways, still trying to learn to walk with faith, because doubt is so easy to just slip in, like a "what if it's not that, because i cant see it" but i have to remember 2cor5:7 because i think there is no healing if there is no faith. matthew 9:20-22: just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak. she said to herself, "if i only touch his cloak, i can be healed." esus turned and saw her. "take heart, daughter," he said, "your FAITH HAS HEALED YOU." and the woman was healed from that moment. faith has such a huge part in healing, and i have so little of it. i can't believe i was so conceited and thought i had the faith to move mountains, when i can even pull myself out of this heart of darkness really. but i guess then this is all a very slow learning process.

i found this song that is very appropriate to what i'm learning right now:
In His Time
A:IN HIS TIME, IN HIS TIME
HE MAKES ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL IN HIS TIME
LORD, PLEASE SHOW ME EVERYDAY
AS YOU'RE TEACHING ME YOUR WAY
AND I'LL DO JUST WHAT YOU SAY
IN YOUR TIME.

B:IN YOUR TIME, IN YOUR TIME
YOU MAKE ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL IN YOUR TIME
LORD, MY LIFE TO YOU I BRING
MAY EACH SONG I HAVE TO SING
BE TO YOU A LOVELY THING
IN YOUR TIME

BE TO YOU A LOVELY THING
IN YOUR TIME.

(below is a earlier addition to this blog, so it goes kinda backwards...if you can follow that)
i found two verses that's somewhat relevant and much needed for me right now: its 6am feb 27 sat and i cant sleep because i just had 8 bloody stools (small ones granted, not TOO fresh) but when i see that i see a major step backwards. thought God promised to cure me of my bleeding a 2 days ago, so i got scared. still trying to learn the live by faith, and not by sight, thought sight is overwhelming and such a good foothold for Satan, doubt and fear, which is what is happening. but then i ask for a sigh, 125lbs or higher, usually, i'm not that hight. but 125.4. God is good, my faith is weak, and i need MAJOR help in that area. wonder how abraham had enough faith to actually go and try to kill his only son... woooow.
but if i can focus on the fact that my life is a testimony to a friend who just started bible study, that is good enough.

found another verse: 2corth4:16-18. what our human eyes cannot see. focus focus! to have a relationship with God is sometimes really hard it requires a lot of God helping us. ironic

so onward i go with 2 days of fasting and hopefully lots of prayer and HEALING. and hopefully God will give me the physical strength to do it right now when i'm already very weak. but FAITH is what we walk by.

oh funny story. i was somewhat coordinated (by that i mean clothes) and i had put in earrings now, because it takes away some of my boredom in the hospital. and the nurses were like "oh look at youuu, dont you look stylish" and some lady was like "yeah i was vacationing in italy, and people there dress like, thats very fashionable". hahahha while i was like dragging my feet trying to walk in the halls. all 125lbs of non muscle. :D

anyways this has been long enough and it's time to take my ambien and sleep somewhat. i also decided to keep a personal journal so that i can write down what i'm thankful for that day, and how i can praise God for that day. i think it'll help me with my mini depression, and also write down my fustrations and counter them with more reasonable thoughts. writing is a good reliever.

well adieu, and thankyou all for reading my blog so faithfully, even though i'm just one insignificant patient out of many many that i see everyday. thank you all for praying for me! and thank you for donating money, every cent will hopefully turn and bless you as well. it's midnight. better go to sleep. i miss seeing people's faces. one day!
love,sarah