i almost saw the pearly gates...

or so i was told, by my mom and the nurses at the clinic and the doctors...clearly i was near death. Actually my mom says i almost died TWICE, which is probably true.

but first, hello again people who actually read this blog. thanks for reading, and for caring, and for praying. with all these prayers i would not have made it, i know this for sure. and i haven't really kept in contact with people in the world, maybe because i feel a longing for the world at the same time i feel contempt for it. i want to be in it, but i'm annoyed that it goes on happily without me. i'm still such a bitter person. but i'm learning to let that go, after all this is an opportunity that God has given me, for what i do not really know yet, since i'm STILL BLEEDING!!!

okay, so some of you may read my dad's calender updates, so you already know, but i suppose most of you don't? unless i told you. first lets get the difference between clinic and the hospital clear, since it isn't for some (like me, i wouldn't really have known either unless i went through all this). sometimes i'm at the hospital, which means the main building, where it's inpatient, which means you sleep there and eat there and live there, while the docs poke at you. clinic is where you go see the doctor but you have to make an appointment and stuff, it's outpatient. anyways, i think most of you know that, i'm just making sure. so at clinic i get iv supplements and stuff, like potassium and magnesium, blood, platelets, stuff like that. Since the last post i had an interesting/dangerous/deadly encounter with GI bleeding. GI being my gastric intestinal whatever. what does it actually stand for i don't know...but let me update:

i was at clinic and i needed to poo, so i was about to get up to go to the bathroom, when my tummy started hurting REALLY BADLY. and for the longest time too. i always get tummy pains, i still do occasionally (in which i take some deloted --spelling?-- type of morphine, stronger than the old morphine pills i was taking, because those didn't work), but that one time was really intense. but anyways i had to poo (as my friends would laugh and say, i always say i need to poo...)so i went, and relieved myself, except at the end little chunks of blood was coming out. i got back to my seat (in the clinic you get to sit in these reclining chairs, or if your lucky, you get a room and a bed) then suddenly ALL THIS BLOOD STARTED COMING OUT. (if you get grossed out easily, please skip to the next section) i mean it was a lot, it came out in clots like sausage links. at first i thought i had pooped my guts out, i was freaked out, and then i started blacking out (since i suppose you do when you lose a lot of blood all at once), and all these people gathered around me and a group of extra doctors where gathered in the corner whispering about how they didn't think i'd make it (aka = she's going to die). so they called 911, ordered 3 bags of blood and platelets and started squeezing fluid into me IV (because my condition got so bad, they couldn't get a blood pressure out of me). anyways...they got me to the er, gave me blood send me to radiology and did an operation on me where they put this metal coil in my blood vessel (the bleeding one) to stop the bleeding, and all this happened within 3 hours.

it's weird, because the whole time i had no idea how dangerous the situation was. all i knew was that a bunch of blood was coming out into my pants, and they were poking me here and there with needles trying to get another iv in, and my mom was crying walking next to me while they wheeled me around in the er bed, then the hospital's portable beds, kept saying "Sarah?...Sarah!" i was of course just grunting in reply when i could, but sometimes i had no strength to reply back, then she'd freak out even more, and i, still conscious (though i think the people around me thought i blacked out) was wondering why she was so freaked out. it all went by as if a dream, but really it was a miracle. had i not been at clinic when i was pooping, and was at home, i would have never made to the er in time. then if i made it to the er, had i not been at clinic where the nurses made orders for blood and platelets (you have to order them from the bank, and they have to like prepare them and send them...takes time), i would not have had the blood to replace my lost blood and hold me alive momentarily (my hemoglobin count dropped from 11 to 5...if you don't know what that means, just know that's A LOT of lost blood). everything worked out to the detail, and God's hand in this whole event is plain and clear, i think. it's truely a miracle. and i know it, because my parents were praying the whole time, and i think my dad called like a bunch of church members the moment he found out to help pray. (thank you aunties and uncles!)

anyways after that whole traumatizing event i spent 2 days in the intensive care unit at duke, then got transferred to the transplant unit (where i received my cords like five months ago). then i was released, but i got put back to the hospital again a week or so after for "observation". they did a ct on my small bowel and found more bleeding spots, though it wasn't outright bleeding, just "oozing", they are all potentials for another major bleed like the one i just described, which is life threatening. and the docs said if that happens again, they might have to do surgery and remove a part of my small bowels, which will damage me the rest of my life.

soooooo...sounds scary. i think actually i went through a lot of scary things, which really knowing the intensity until afterwards. i'm kind of glad i don't -- haha. there is some truth in "ignorance is bliss". wonder why eve ever wanted to eat that apple...

but i trust the Lord will heal me, He is the ultimate Healer after all, and as my Aba Father, I do not believe He will let me go into such a condition. I keep praying for Him to heal all my bleeding spots, but i'm finding myself very impatient. impatience is a signature character trait of mine, perhaps God wants me to learn: i read the other day, in the bible it says "faith produces patience and patience...etc, etc" (forgot where in the bible, i should start memorizing some things) i'm finding the truth in that statement, believe me. i believe that God can heal me completely, wholly, but WHY IS IT NOT NOW???? it makes me so frustrated sometimes, but then i remember that is not faith. who knew faith is so hard. not only do you need faith to be healed (look at the people healed by Jesus, they all believed before they even asked Him, and He always said "by FAITH you/your servant/your child/whomever is healed"), you also must "live by faith and not by sight". okay so that's hard enough, but i think "faith produces patience" also insinuates that faith needs patience. they go hand in hand. faith is hard, it's so not as easy as i had though in my younger years (now i sound like an old lady). but i have faith God will heal us. i have been quite encouraged lately after reading through John, and Jesus's promise to us that if we love Him and obey His command ("love each other")we can as the Father for anything and He will give it to us. WHAT KIND OF POWER IS THAT???? holy cow. (cows are not holy, i do not believe, i tend to eat them when i can...just an expression okay people)

but i mean God gives us a lot of power, after we're redeemed through Jesus, it's crazy. I've just been discovering this, it's encouraging, now i can pray knowing, perhaps it makes my faith a bit stronger. knowing God will answer, knowing it because Jesus's blood has cleansed me, because He's in the Father and i am in Him through the holy adoption. it also makes me appreciate Jesus dying and rising from the cross all over again.

but i have to admit i'm not always joyful and happy and thankful, i'm always home throwing fits and making my family's life miserable (to which i feel very bad afterwards, and very guilty, i spent like an hour crying yesterday night). so i've been throwing fits (this is not an excuse of course) because, like i stated, i'm still bleeding inside, and you can tell by your poo (yes we're back to excrement)if it's black or bloody red...then it has blood in it. if it's like brown or something, then congratulations!, you're normal, which you probably are. but i'm not, i'm apparently very messed up in my bowels, my guts, my GI tract, whichever you wish. and since the last big bleed/miracle, my parents have restricted my diet down to soupy noodles or soupy rice. i mean it's not bad, but it becomes bad when you can't eat anything else (oh i can have apples and bananas) and you eat the same thing 3 times a day, everyday with no sign of stopping. it's very discouraging and very disgusting, but according to the surgeon fiber will irritate my bowels (so no veggies), and hard foods my parents think will cause more bleeding...or whatever, and then i cant have heavily seasoned food, or acidy food or spicey food...basically nothing. AND I LOVE EATING SO THIS IS TORTURE. so its that (soupy pig food, as i call it) and ensure or boost, supplement drinks.

so you see, i have a complaining and bitter heart, over FOOD, which is silly i know. but it's really hard for me. anyways, praying that i have more faith, hope that sharing some of my feelings won't trip any of you in your walk with God.

but anyways PRAISE THE LORD ALWAYS. just because it's beautiful outside, and today i found that i'm glad i have my eyes. lately they've been feeling funny (chemo and radiation can affect them) but still working. and i know some people would love to be able to see the beautiful spring outside. i think to myself, God is the greatest Artist of all. i think that's why a lot of people want to be artists.

well until next time!
<3