so that sore throat of mine became a flow blown sore throat along with fever and all that...i was put on two new pills for a while, but now am coming off of them again (one was an anti fungal, one was an antiviral). i got a shot this two mondays ago, to boost my red blood cell growth, so they can take a unit of blood away again next time to reduce my iron levels. except when i went for a checkup this past monday, they decided that they weren't going to draw any more of my blood, and just let my iron levels lower themselves. just this past week i've been feeling all nauseous, and have been vomiting from friday middle of the night to during the day time, a total of 4 times, then again starting saturday middle of the night, vomiting two times. i went to the clinic, got an abdominal xray and apparently there wasn't anything wrong besides "a lot of poop" aka i was constipated and hurting from that. oh did i mention i was in A LOT of belly pain and was taking a lot of pain medication (which was increasing my constipation...ironic isnt it?).
but that still doesn't explain the nausea, which i still have right now. i think it was the shot. usually the epo has reactions within 3 days, but this shot's formula is slower acting...so the side effects are showing up now...2 weeks later. SIGH. it is not comfortable. but at least this time around i get 2 months break, before i have to go back to the clinic again! YAY! thanks for all the prayers! hopefully this will be a good 2 months (as soon as this nausea goes away...).
i think the weather lately has been terrible. i don't like hot and muggy...i don't see how i survived so many years of north carolina weather - heh. i suppose i wouldn't mind it so much if i liked wearing little clothing or what not, but i'm not too into that either - i'm a big fan of layer and knits - so i suppose chicago was a good choice for me.
i did, however, enjoy the rain, very much.
in between all of those discomforting days, i had a good week (or so). my good friend, cindy wei, came over to my house to stay for a few days. we went to see despicable me at the theaters (matinee of course, when no one was there...thought actually - surprisingly - there were a lot of people there on a sunday afternoon PEOPLE GO TO CHURCH!!!...i still can't - irony again). we watched a lot of HOUSE md, and other random, useless things.
you know what i've discovered...you know how we're told to read the Bible everyday, and sometimes you just don't feel like it (or rather, i'll speak for myself, i don't feel like it) or i feel like "oh i'm too busy now, i'll do it later". but recently i've been feeling none of those excuse, but one of another genre. the one that goes "what new thing can i get out of the bible anyways, i've read it so many times" and "what if what i read today doesn't even really apply to my life" (i asked that a lot while reading through jeremiah...and am now stuck in lamentations...) but yesterday night i had a revelation, while watching House (which I do almost religiously now). i realized why, so many years ago, i gave up watching horror movies - it was because a youth group leader (i forgot her name) told me once that whatever you take in is whatever you put out. whether that's food, what what you watch or what you read, or the people that you hang out with. well, last night, as i was watching house, i realized that i've made HOUSE my bible almost, i listen to his words, what he says and does, and praise him for his actions in the show more than i read God's words, listen to what He says, studies what He did in the past and is doing in the present, and praise God for who He is. So it's like people saying "i've made money my God/idol" or whatever, I've been substituting other things for God - not on purpose of course. But just the sheer frequency and amount of time i spend with Dr. Gregory House, as opposed to reading the Bible and speading time with God. I think, even if I don't get anything out of it IMMEDIATELY, it will still have an effect, just like all the other things i am putting into my head will.
anyways, having said that i still need help getting through lamentations and a few of the other prophets, haha. working on it though!
well i suppose i'll update later. have a good HOT HOT day!
<3
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
sugar and spice, and all things nice
that does well to describe how my birthday weekend went. i was flattered with the presence of two groups of friends, one on friday night (my actual birthday) and one on saturday night. and endowed with many gifts including Life, the game of (though of course it is a good remind of another year of life...itself) bubble gum machine, cake (the carrot variety as well as the chocolate, and i want more cake!!) make up, yay it always makes me happy to be able to paint my face, and lots and lots of balloons. tehe almost like in UP. but not enough to lift heavy (or not so) little me up skyward.
anyhows it was a good birthday. thank you all who made it ever so special and to my wonderful parents and my overly excited brother who, i think, was mostly excited about getting cake. haha. and for playing taboo with me :D because i like playing games.
um. reminds me of my card playing days back in high school....
anyways. i got my cathater pulled out of my chest the other day, reduced the number of pills so i only have to take 3 instead of the assortment that would make even a grandmother in a retirement home proud, or queasy. um. all in all God has provided faithfully and beyond imagination, and has made becoming 20 a very good thing. i suppose turning 19 was not too bad either, but it was in a hospital...
anyways yesterday i developed a sore throat...umm... hope it's not what a sore throat usually means. ugh. having a good time playing monopoly with my brother and father, who insists on not buying property and losing very badly... oh well. this is why he's not in business - haha! joking.
nothing much to this update really. just thanks for all the friends who came, to my parents for putting up with me, and for the friends in chicago who sent me love and for not forgetting me (even though i've been gone for quite a long time) and for all the people still praying for me!
<3
anyhows it was a good birthday. thank you all who made it ever so special and to my wonderful parents and my overly excited brother who, i think, was mostly excited about getting cake. haha. and for playing taboo with me :D because i like playing games.
um. reminds me of my card playing days back in high school....
anyways. i got my cathater pulled out of my chest the other day, reduced the number of pills so i only have to take 3 instead of the assortment that would make even a grandmother in a retirement home proud, or queasy. um. all in all God has provided faithfully and beyond imagination, and has made becoming 20 a very good thing. i suppose turning 19 was not too bad either, but it was in a hospital...
anyways yesterday i developed a sore throat...umm... hope it's not what a sore throat usually means. ugh. having a good time playing monopoly with my brother and father, who insists on not buying property and losing very badly... oh well. this is why he's not in business - haha! joking.
nothing much to this update really. just thanks for all the friends who came, to my parents for putting up with me, and for the friends in chicago who sent me love and for not forgetting me (even though i've been gone for quite a long time) and for all the people still praying for me!
<3
Saturday, July 3, 2010
it's july already?
goodness, time goes by fast, does it not?
though i didn't feel that time went by so quickly when i was in school. i'd always be looking at the next deadline, and always wasting time, then rushing at the end to make it in time...what a funny thing, time is. we either always have too much or not enough.
well anyways, since the last post, my CMV virus (i think that's redundant...) is negative, which means it no longer poses as a threat, praise God! there are many things to praise God for this month. It's my birthday soon! It's the 4th of july, which is like a huge holiday (with lots of yummy foods i cant eat...haha)...i recently received a HUGE financial aid for my duke health bill, no more stress over money!! it's been a whole year since i've been diagnosed and i'm still alive, amazingly (considering how i treated myself when i first got sick, i'm surprised i didn't die, again...thank the Lord), and recovering! um i have T-cells again...which is a good thing i assure you. And there are much much more to praise God for, so i'll end my list here.
oh and i get a week off from going to clinic, thank goodness. though i've gotten pretty chummy with the nurses there. is that the right word?
anyways i think, as i am about to leave my teens forever, and become 20 in a few days, i have learned quite a lot this past year. one thing is the lesson of waiting, which produces hope patience faith, and whoa! it was a hard lesson. i'm still not really getting the hang of it. i know a lot of people are reading my blog and thinking that all i do is eat cookies and pizza everyday - and that is the complete opposite, but i blog about it, because it's a big deal in my life. i've used food as goal points - haha. like before i couldnt have any solid food, it was to have chicken noodles, and then after that (when i was only eating noodles and soup, gah that got so overused) my goal was rice and stirfried stuff, then PIZZA, and cookies and ice cream, now it's umm (haha) FRENCH FRIES. yummy.
but the point is, my dad told me that perhaps God took away my favorite thing to do (which is to eat), to teach me self discipline, control, and how to wait. i think this is very true. i was reading about abraham this morning, and seriously how long did HE have to wait for God's covanent? i mean he just packed up everything and moved but didnt really get to see it all happen (and not even completely) til the end of his life. but man, if anyone has immortality in the worldly sense (does that make sense?) it's abraham. there are mulitple nations that call him their ancestors, and he's known as the father of all of us christians, through faith...i suppose waiting can't be a terrible thing - haha. though i dont want to be a father of a nation...
and of course all my food goals are junk food because the healthy foods, i still cant have!! like corn (which will be my goal for next year july) and i REALLY want a salad. but gosh these raw things have germs.
anyways. waiting. i think that's what i'll be doing a lot during my 20th year of life. as well as this past year. well at least waiting before i can go back to school. but i think, like abraham, i will fill my waiting years with meaningful growth and "stuff"...for the lack of a better word.
anyways, thanks for reading! leave me comments if you like to :) i enjoy reading them.
<3
though i didn't feel that time went by so quickly when i was in school. i'd always be looking at the next deadline, and always wasting time, then rushing at the end to make it in time...what a funny thing, time is. we either always have too much or not enough.
well anyways, since the last post, my CMV virus (i think that's redundant...) is negative, which means it no longer poses as a threat, praise God! there are many things to praise God for this month. It's my birthday soon! It's the 4th of july, which is like a huge holiday (with lots of yummy foods i cant eat...haha)...i recently received a HUGE financial aid for my duke health bill, no more stress over money!! it's been a whole year since i've been diagnosed and i'm still alive, amazingly (considering how i treated myself when i first got sick, i'm surprised i didn't die, again...thank the Lord), and recovering! um i have T-cells again...which is a good thing i assure you. And there are much much more to praise God for, so i'll end my list here.
oh and i get a week off from going to clinic, thank goodness. though i've gotten pretty chummy with the nurses there. is that the right word?
anyways i think, as i am about to leave my teens forever, and become 20 in a few days, i have learned quite a lot this past year. one thing is the lesson of waiting, which produces hope patience faith, and whoa! it was a hard lesson. i'm still not really getting the hang of it. i know a lot of people are reading my blog and thinking that all i do is eat cookies and pizza everyday - and that is the complete opposite, but i blog about it, because it's a big deal in my life. i've used food as goal points - haha. like before i couldnt have any solid food, it was to have chicken noodles, and then after that (when i was only eating noodles and soup, gah that got so overused) my goal was rice and stirfried stuff, then PIZZA, and cookies and ice cream, now it's umm (haha) FRENCH FRIES. yummy.
but the point is, my dad told me that perhaps God took away my favorite thing to do (which is to eat), to teach me self discipline, control, and how to wait. i think this is very true. i was reading about abraham this morning, and seriously how long did HE have to wait for God's covanent? i mean he just packed up everything and moved but didnt really get to see it all happen (and not even completely) til the end of his life. but man, if anyone has immortality in the worldly sense (does that make sense?) it's abraham. there are mulitple nations that call him their ancestors, and he's known as the father of all of us christians, through faith...i suppose waiting can't be a terrible thing - haha. though i dont want to be a father of a nation...
and of course all my food goals are junk food because the healthy foods, i still cant have!! like corn (which will be my goal for next year july) and i REALLY want a salad. but gosh these raw things have germs.
anyways. waiting. i think that's what i'll be doing a lot during my 20th year of life. as well as this past year. well at least waiting before i can go back to school. but i think, like abraham, i will fill my waiting years with meaningful growth and "stuff"...for the lack of a better word.
anyways, thanks for reading! leave me comments if you like to :) i enjoy reading them.
<3
Thursday, June 10, 2010
quick update
hey peoples who have time to read this
how do you do.
since the last update, i got a virus, named CMV (don't know how to spell whatever it stands for...you can always look it up). i'm sure if you read my dad's calender, you will already know this. anyways, so i have been going to the clinic everyday for my antiviral meds and therefore have not had time to update the blog (though i always find a reason not to update, besides the obvious - that i'm lazy).
the foscarnet (the med for CMV) has given me funny side effects, like fuzzy vision, and numb face, and arms and legs. not exactly very fun. then i got a fever like last week monday? well it was during memorial day, and i had to go to the hospital at 5 am. then i got a bunch of antibiotics and had that going for a week. not that fun either. but now i don't have to go to clinic every day (yay!) since i'm getting the foscarnet iv at home, on a little pump.
also i've been doing much better, and have eaten PIZZA FINALLY!!!! and lasagna the other night. and lots of chocolate chip cookies...though my stomach has started to hurt again (opps... still don't know the exact reason) so my mom is not allowing me to eat cookies anymore :(
but i have faith that i will get better and better! God won't let me down. yay! generally speaking, i've been more happy than i have been when i could eat anything i wanted and could do anything i wanted during school last year. it's funny how ironic that is. hope you all learn that without having to have cancer.
i've also been very sad lately thinking about all the unfortunate families that have to experience death with cancer. my prayers are with them, though i cannot show another other ways of my concern.
well that is all for now! i can't believe i'm not blabbing on...
how do you do.
since the last update, i got a virus, named CMV (don't know how to spell whatever it stands for...you can always look it up). i'm sure if you read my dad's calender, you will already know this. anyways, so i have been going to the clinic everyday for my antiviral meds and therefore have not had time to update the blog (though i always find a reason not to update, besides the obvious - that i'm lazy).
the foscarnet (the med for CMV) has given me funny side effects, like fuzzy vision, and numb face, and arms and legs. not exactly very fun. then i got a fever like last week monday? well it was during memorial day, and i had to go to the hospital at 5 am. then i got a bunch of antibiotics and had that going for a week. not that fun either. but now i don't have to go to clinic every day (yay!) since i'm getting the foscarnet iv at home, on a little pump.
also i've been doing much better, and have eaten PIZZA FINALLY!!!! and lasagna the other night. and lots of chocolate chip cookies...though my stomach has started to hurt again (opps... still don't know the exact reason) so my mom is not allowing me to eat cookies anymore :(
but i have faith that i will get better and better! God won't let me down. yay! generally speaking, i've been more happy than i have been when i could eat anything i wanted and could do anything i wanted during school last year. it's funny how ironic that is. hope you all learn that without having to have cancer.
i've also been very sad lately thinking about all the unfortunate families that have to experience death with cancer. my prayers are with them, though i cannot show another other ways of my concern.
well that is all for now! i can't believe i'm not blabbing on...
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
summmerrrr is almost here!
which actually means very little to me, since it's not like i work, or go to school right now, so really it's summer 24-7 for me :D good times.
in fact, it has been a very good time for me. i don't think anyone would say they want cancer, but i think this has been a blessed time. even though i've mentioned this months before, the feeling is always renewed, and i feel very blessed to be with my family, to spend time with my parents and brother that i didn't have before. my brother insists that i look like a monk, since i wonder around the house always wearing this new red plaid poncho i bought from forever21 for like 4 dollars, and of course because i'm bald, haha. i enjoy my brother's company. then i like taking walks in the neighborhood with my dad, and we talk about life because we're that concerned with such grand ideas - haha. and then i bicker and banter with my mom on our way to the clinic or hospital, and at home while we do some cleaning. lately we've been working our way through all the junk on our bookshelf. we came across my brother's pre-k "year book" thing, and they had quotes from all of the students. some of my brother's were "it's better to be late than a duck" (don't really know what that means...) and "my father knows my mother worries him" (said by a 4 year old, made me laugh really hard) and "too much of a good thing is helpless".
i think God gives wisdom to little kids just to humble us old ones, it's quite a pleasent and shocking thing to discover. my mother and i had a good laugh over some of the stuff we found. and we found a bunch of cards from friends and church members, which always reminds me of how much support we have through hard times. i was reading a devotional today about how God ordains 2 entities, the family and the church. it's good to know that both have been there for me through this time, and blessed to know that i have both, some people only have one, or none.
anyways, i've been doing much better lately. havent had any bloody anythings since my last post, and finding that faith really does take patience, and healing really does take a lot of faith. i think a lot of times, we as christians don't get anything done, or can't achieve the "great things" we see other spiritual giants do because we don't believe that God can do it. of course you're thinking "that's silly, OF COURSE God can do anything" but when it comes down to facing those waves and storm, it's hard to still hold onto it right? i've been listening to sermons on tape, and this pastor was talking about the way God does things - and how a lot of times things don't get accomplished because 1. we dont have the right mindset/heart 2. it's not that God doesn't want to do it, or that He doesn't want to use us, but we don't believe that the God who placed the stars in the sky can, say for example, heal a simple GI blood. after all what is my intestines to the galaxy? umm...what is man to God's glory.
so it's a good thing i learned this lesson, or perhaps i would have prevented my healing for even longer. but no more! and i am healed! just now on the road to recovery. so my weight is still a little below (or a lot?) what it should be, at 115 lbs for a 5'8''...I lost like 30lbs in this transplant process...goodness! but anyways God sustains, and i've been eating a great deal more than a pear! (hehe) i've also been grocery shopping a couple times now (masked and looking like a bandit, or even worse, a person with swine flu or SARS or something - yes people run away from me in public, how embarassing). but grocery shopping has been a good way to be introduced back into the world of people (even if they run away from the bald masked lady - or is it a man? i dont think they can tell until i open my mouth) soon (hopefully) i will be allowed to attend church! and have visitors! yay!
i am hopeful and ever faithful in my never changing, ever loving God. you should too :)
until next time, cheerios (honey nut)!
<3
in fact, it has been a very good time for me. i don't think anyone would say they want cancer, but i think this has been a blessed time. even though i've mentioned this months before, the feeling is always renewed, and i feel very blessed to be with my family, to spend time with my parents and brother that i didn't have before. my brother insists that i look like a monk, since i wonder around the house always wearing this new red plaid poncho i bought from forever21 for like 4 dollars, and of course because i'm bald, haha. i enjoy my brother's company. then i like taking walks in the neighborhood with my dad, and we talk about life because we're that concerned with such grand ideas - haha. and then i bicker and banter with my mom on our way to the clinic or hospital, and at home while we do some cleaning. lately we've been working our way through all the junk on our bookshelf. we came across my brother's pre-k "year book" thing, and they had quotes from all of the students. some of my brother's were "it's better to be late than a duck" (don't really know what that means...) and "my father knows my mother worries him" (said by a 4 year old, made me laugh really hard) and "too much of a good thing is helpless".
i think God gives wisdom to little kids just to humble us old ones, it's quite a pleasent and shocking thing to discover. my mother and i had a good laugh over some of the stuff we found. and we found a bunch of cards from friends and church members, which always reminds me of how much support we have through hard times. i was reading a devotional today about how God ordains 2 entities, the family and the church. it's good to know that both have been there for me through this time, and blessed to know that i have both, some people only have one, or none.
anyways, i've been doing much better lately. havent had any bloody anythings since my last post, and finding that faith really does take patience, and healing really does take a lot of faith. i think a lot of times, we as christians don't get anything done, or can't achieve the "great things" we see other spiritual giants do because we don't believe that God can do it. of course you're thinking "that's silly, OF COURSE God can do anything" but when it comes down to facing those waves and storm, it's hard to still hold onto it right? i've been listening to sermons on tape, and this pastor was talking about the way God does things - and how a lot of times things don't get accomplished because 1. we dont have the right mindset/heart 2. it's not that God doesn't want to do it, or that He doesn't want to use us, but we don't believe that the God who placed the stars in the sky can, say for example, heal a simple GI blood. after all what is my intestines to the galaxy? umm...what is man to God's glory.
so it's a good thing i learned this lesson, or perhaps i would have prevented my healing for even longer. but no more! and i am healed! just now on the road to recovery. so my weight is still a little below (or a lot?) what it should be, at 115 lbs for a 5'8''...I lost like 30lbs in this transplant process...goodness! but anyways God sustains, and i've been eating a great deal more than a pear! (hehe) i've also been grocery shopping a couple times now (masked and looking like a bandit, or even worse, a person with swine flu or SARS or something - yes people run away from me in public, how embarassing). but grocery shopping has been a good way to be introduced back into the world of people (even if they run away from the bald masked lady - or is it a man? i dont think they can tell until i open my mouth) soon (hopefully) i will be allowed to attend church! and have visitors! yay!
i am hopeful and ever faithful in my never changing, ever loving God. you should too :)
until next time, cheerios (honey nut)!
<3
Thursday, April 29, 2010
i just ate a pear
so who cares right?
well, i'm very happy about it, because it's the first pear i've eaten since i can't remember when (not counting the canned fruit that i've had). fresh, juicy pear, so good! thank the Lord i can eat fresh pear now, sounds silly, but it's a step forward...
anyways, i have good news to report! so i was talking about faith in my last post (well, it seems i've been talking about faith a lot, because i'm finding that i don't have as much as i thought i had or would like to have), and how much power God gives us through Jesus in prayer. so for the longest time i had been praying that God would heal those little oozing, bleeding before the end of april, and as i saw the days of april pass, and i still black stool (yes, we're back to poo), i was loosing faith, but like i said, reading John encouraged me again, and i told myself "have faith Sarah, God is faithful, and true to His word" so i prayed and tried my hardest to believe (which is hard for me, because i'm such an evidence person, like Thomas, if i see it i can believe it, but to walk by faith and not by sight is hard). so yesterday and today i've had NORMAL POOP, in case you want a description (haha) that means it's nice and brown/yellowish, aka not black (black stool is a sign of bleeding). YAY! if this continues (which it will, because God is the ultimate Healer), and my GI bleeding completely stops i can start eating real food! (like a pear)
anyways PRAISE THE LORD, like always :)
i've also been getting more and more days off from going to clinic, technically. some of the iv stuff that i'm taking, if i have good digestion, i'll be taking them in pill form soon. i hate pills, but anyways, i'm on the road to being completely healed! praise the Lord!
i'm going to try to update more often these days, or at least when i'm feeling well. til next time, ciao!
<3
well, i'm very happy about it, because it's the first pear i've eaten since i can't remember when (not counting the canned fruit that i've had). fresh, juicy pear, so good! thank the Lord i can eat fresh pear now, sounds silly, but it's a step forward...
anyways, i have good news to report! so i was talking about faith in my last post (well, it seems i've been talking about faith a lot, because i'm finding that i don't have as much as i thought i had or would like to have), and how much power God gives us through Jesus in prayer. so for the longest time i had been praying that God would heal those little oozing, bleeding before the end of april, and as i saw the days of april pass, and i still black stool (yes, we're back to poo), i was loosing faith, but like i said, reading John encouraged me again, and i told myself "have faith Sarah, God is faithful, and true to His word" so i prayed and tried my hardest to believe (which is hard for me, because i'm such an evidence person, like Thomas, if i see it i can believe it, but to walk by faith and not by sight is hard). so yesterday and today i've had NORMAL POOP, in case you want a description (haha) that means it's nice and brown/yellowish, aka not black (black stool is a sign of bleeding). YAY! if this continues (which it will, because God is the ultimate Healer), and my GI bleeding completely stops i can start eating real food! (like a pear)
anyways PRAISE THE LORD, like always :)
i've also been getting more and more days off from going to clinic, technically. some of the iv stuff that i'm taking, if i have good digestion, i'll be taking them in pill form soon. i hate pills, but anyways, i'm on the road to being completely healed! praise the Lord!
i'm going to try to update more often these days, or at least when i'm feeling well. til next time, ciao!
<3
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
i almost saw the pearly gates...
or so i was told, by my mom and the nurses at the clinic and the doctors...clearly i was near death. Actually my mom says i almost died TWICE, which is probably true.
but first, hello again people who actually read this blog. thanks for reading, and for caring, and for praying. with all these prayers i would not have made it, i know this for sure. and i haven't really kept in contact with people in the world, maybe because i feel a longing for the world at the same time i feel contempt for it. i want to be in it, but i'm annoyed that it goes on happily without me. i'm still such a bitter person. but i'm learning to let that go, after all this is an opportunity that God has given me, for what i do not really know yet, since i'm STILL BLEEDING!!!
okay, so some of you may read my dad's calender updates, so you already know, but i suppose most of you don't? unless i told you. first lets get the difference between clinic and the hospital clear, since it isn't for some (like me, i wouldn't really have known either unless i went through all this). sometimes i'm at the hospital, which means the main building, where it's inpatient, which means you sleep there and eat there and live there, while the docs poke at you. clinic is where you go see the doctor but you have to make an appointment and stuff, it's outpatient. anyways, i think most of you know that, i'm just making sure. so at clinic i get iv supplements and stuff, like potassium and magnesium, blood, platelets, stuff like that. Since the last post i had an interesting/dangerous/deadly encounter with GI bleeding. GI being my gastric intestinal whatever. what does it actually stand for i don't know...but let me update:
i was at clinic and i needed to poo, so i was about to get up to go to the bathroom, when my tummy started hurting REALLY BADLY. and for the longest time too. i always get tummy pains, i still do occasionally (in which i take some deloted --spelling?-- type of morphine, stronger than the old morphine pills i was taking, because those didn't work), but that one time was really intense. but anyways i had to poo (as my friends would laugh and say, i always say i need to poo...)so i went, and relieved myself, except at the end little chunks of blood was coming out. i got back to my seat (in the clinic you get to sit in these reclining chairs, or if your lucky, you get a room and a bed) then suddenly ALL THIS BLOOD STARTED COMING OUT. (if you get grossed out easily, please skip to the next section) i mean it was a lot, it came out in clots like sausage links. at first i thought i had pooped my guts out, i was freaked out, and then i started blacking out (since i suppose you do when you lose a lot of blood all at once), and all these people gathered around me and a group of extra doctors where gathered in the corner whispering about how they didn't think i'd make it (aka = she's going to die). so they called 911, ordered 3 bags of blood and platelets and started squeezing fluid into me IV (because my condition got so bad, they couldn't get a blood pressure out of me). anyways...they got me to the er, gave me blood send me to radiology and did an operation on me where they put this metal coil in my blood vessel (the bleeding one) to stop the bleeding, and all this happened within 3 hours.
it's weird, because the whole time i had no idea how dangerous the situation was. all i knew was that a bunch of blood was coming out into my pants, and they were poking me here and there with needles trying to get another iv in, and my mom was crying walking next to me while they wheeled me around in the er bed, then the hospital's portable beds, kept saying "Sarah?...Sarah!" i was of course just grunting in reply when i could, but sometimes i had no strength to reply back, then she'd freak out even more, and i, still conscious (though i think the people around me thought i blacked out) was wondering why she was so freaked out. it all went by as if a dream, but really it was a miracle. had i not been at clinic when i was pooping, and was at home, i would have never made to the er in time. then if i made it to the er, had i not been at clinic where the nurses made orders for blood and platelets (you have to order them from the bank, and they have to like prepare them and send them...takes time), i would not have had the blood to replace my lost blood and hold me alive momentarily (my hemoglobin count dropped from 11 to 5...if you don't know what that means, just know that's A LOT of lost blood). everything worked out to the detail, and God's hand in this whole event is plain and clear, i think. it's truely a miracle. and i know it, because my parents were praying the whole time, and i think my dad called like a bunch of church members the moment he found out to help pray. (thank you aunties and uncles!)
anyways after that whole traumatizing event i spent 2 days in the intensive care unit at duke, then got transferred to the transplant unit (where i received my cords like five months ago). then i was released, but i got put back to the hospital again a week or so after for "observation". they did a ct on my small bowel and found more bleeding spots, though it wasn't outright bleeding, just "oozing", they are all potentials for another major bleed like the one i just described, which is life threatening. and the docs said if that happens again, they might have to do surgery and remove a part of my small bowels, which will damage me the rest of my life.
soooooo...sounds scary. i think actually i went through a lot of scary things, which really knowing the intensity until afterwards. i'm kind of glad i don't -- haha. there is some truth in "ignorance is bliss". wonder why eve ever wanted to eat that apple...
but i trust the Lord will heal me, He is the ultimate Healer after all, and as my Aba Father, I do not believe He will let me go into such a condition. I keep praying for Him to heal all my bleeding spots, but i'm finding myself very impatient. impatience is a signature character trait of mine, perhaps God wants me to learn: i read the other day, in the bible it says "faith produces patience and patience...etc, etc" (forgot where in the bible, i should start memorizing some things) i'm finding the truth in that statement, believe me. i believe that God can heal me completely, wholly, but WHY IS IT NOT NOW???? it makes me so frustrated sometimes, but then i remember that is not faith. who knew faith is so hard. not only do you need faith to be healed (look at the people healed by Jesus, they all believed before they even asked Him, and He always said "by FAITH you/your servant/your child/whomever is healed"), you also must "live by faith and not by sight". okay so that's hard enough, but i think "faith produces patience" also insinuates that faith needs patience. they go hand in hand. faith is hard, it's so not as easy as i had though in my younger years (now i sound like an old lady). but i have faith God will heal us. i have been quite encouraged lately after reading through John, and Jesus's promise to us that if we love Him and obey His command ("love each other")we can as the Father for anything and He will give it to us. WHAT KIND OF POWER IS THAT???? holy cow. (cows are not holy, i do not believe, i tend to eat them when i can...just an expression okay people)
but i mean God gives us a lot of power, after we're redeemed through Jesus, it's crazy. I've just been discovering this, it's encouraging, now i can pray knowing, perhaps it makes my faith a bit stronger. knowing God will answer, knowing it because Jesus's blood has cleansed me, because He's in the Father and i am in Him through the holy adoption. it also makes me appreciate Jesus dying and rising from the cross all over again.
but i have to admit i'm not always joyful and happy and thankful, i'm always home throwing fits and making my family's life miserable (to which i feel very bad afterwards, and very guilty, i spent like an hour crying yesterday night). so i've been throwing fits (this is not an excuse of course) because, like i stated, i'm still bleeding inside, and you can tell by your poo (yes we're back to excrement)if it's black or bloody red...then it has blood in it. if it's like brown or something, then congratulations!, you're normal, which you probably are. but i'm not, i'm apparently very messed up in my bowels, my guts, my GI tract, whichever you wish. and since the last big bleed/miracle, my parents have restricted my diet down to soupy noodles or soupy rice. i mean it's not bad, but it becomes bad when you can't eat anything else (oh i can have apples and bananas) and you eat the same thing 3 times a day, everyday with no sign of stopping. it's very discouraging and very disgusting, but according to the surgeon fiber will irritate my bowels (so no veggies), and hard foods my parents think will cause more bleeding...or whatever, and then i cant have heavily seasoned food, or acidy food or spicey food...basically nothing. AND I LOVE EATING SO THIS IS TORTURE. so its that (soupy pig food, as i call it) and ensure or boost, supplement drinks.
so you see, i have a complaining and bitter heart, over FOOD, which is silly i know. but it's really hard for me. anyways, praying that i have more faith, hope that sharing some of my feelings won't trip any of you in your walk with God.
but anyways PRAISE THE LORD ALWAYS. just because it's beautiful outside, and today i found that i'm glad i have my eyes. lately they've been feeling funny (chemo and radiation can affect them) but still working. and i know some people would love to be able to see the beautiful spring outside. i think to myself, God is the greatest Artist of all. i think that's why a lot of people want to be artists.
well until next time!
<3
but first, hello again people who actually read this blog. thanks for reading, and for caring, and for praying. with all these prayers i would not have made it, i know this for sure. and i haven't really kept in contact with people in the world, maybe because i feel a longing for the world at the same time i feel contempt for it. i want to be in it, but i'm annoyed that it goes on happily without me. i'm still such a bitter person. but i'm learning to let that go, after all this is an opportunity that God has given me, for what i do not really know yet, since i'm STILL BLEEDING!!!
okay, so some of you may read my dad's calender updates, so you already know, but i suppose most of you don't? unless i told you. first lets get the difference between clinic and the hospital clear, since it isn't for some (like me, i wouldn't really have known either unless i went through all this). sometimes i'm at the hospital, which means the main building, where it's inpatient, which means you sleep there and eat there and live there, while the docs poke at you. clinic is where you go see the doctor but you have to make an appointment and stuff, it's outpatient. anyways, i think most of you know that, i'm just making sure. so at clinic i get iv supplements and stuff, like potassium and magnesium, blood, platelets, stuff like that. Since the last post i had an interesting/dangerous/deadly encounter with GI bleeding. GI being my gastric intestinal whatever. what does it actually stand for i don't know...but let me update:
i was at clinic and i needed to poo, so i was about to get up to go to the bathroom, when my tummy started hurting REALLY BADLY. and for the longest time too. i always get tummy pains, i still do occasionally (in which i take some deloted --spelling?-- type of morphine, stronger than the old morphine pills i was taking, because those didn't work), but that one time was really intense. but anyways i had to poo (as my friends would laugh and say, i always say i need to poo...)so i went, and relieved myself, except at the end little chunks of blood was coming out. i got back to my seat (in the clinic you get to sit in these reclining chairs, or if your lucky, you get a room and a bed) then suddenly ALL THIS BLOOD STARTED COMING OUT. (if you get grossed out easily, please skip to the next section) i mean it was a lot, it came out in clots like sausage links. at first i thought i had pooped my guts out, i was freaked out, and then i started blacking out (since i suppose you do when you lose a lot of blood all at once), and all these people gathered around me and a group of extra doctors where gathered in the corner whispering about how they didn't think i'd make it (aka = she's going to die). so they called 911, ordered 3 bags of blood and platelets and started squeezing fluid into me IV (because my condition got so bad, they couldn't get a blood pressure out of me). anyways...they got me to the er, gave me blood send me to radiology and did an operation on me where they put this metal coil in my blood vessel (the bleeding one) to stop the bleeding, and all this happened within 3 hours.
it's weird, because the whole time i had no idea how dangerous the situation was. all i knew was that a bunch of blood was coming out into my pants, and they were poking me here and there with needles trying to get another iv in, and my mom was crying walking next to me while they wheeled me around in the er bed, then the hospital's portable beds, kept saying "Sarah?...Sarah!" i was of course just grunting in reply when i could, but sometimes i had no strength to reply back, then she'd freak out even more, and i, still conscious (though i think the people around me thought i blacked out) was wondering why she was so freaked out. it all went by as if a dream, but really it was a miracle. had i not been at clinic when i was pooping, and was at home, i would have never made to the er in time. then if i made it to the er, had i not been at clinic where the nurses made orders for blood and platelets (you have to order them from the bank, and they have to like prepare them and send them...takes time), i would not have had the blood to replace my lost blood and hold me alive momentarily (my hemoglobin count dropped from 11 to 5...if you don't know what that means, just know that's A LOT of lost blood). everything worked out to the detail, and God's hand in this whole event is plain and clear, i think. it's truely a miracle. and i know it, because my parents were praying the whole time, and i think my dad called like a bunch of church members the moment he found out to help pray. (thank you aunties and uncles!)
anyways after that whole traumatizing event i spent 2 days in the intensive care unit at duke, then got transferred to the transplant unit (where i received my cords like five months ago). then i was released, but i got put back to the hospital again a week or so after for "observation". they did a ct on my small bowel and found more bleeding spots, though it wasn't outright bleeding, just "oozing", they are all potentials for another major bleed like the one i just described, which is life threatening. and the docs said if that happens again, they might have to do surgery and remove a part of my small bowels, which will damage me the rest of my life.
soooooo...sounds scary. i think actually i went through a lot of scary things, which really knowing the intensity until afterwards. i'm kind of glad i don't -- haha. there is some truth in "ignorance is bliss". wonder why eve ever wanted to eat that apple...
but i trust the Lord will heal me, He is the ultimate Healer after all, and as my Aba Father, I do not believe He will let me go into such a condition. I keep praying for Him to heal all my bleeding spots, but i'm finding myself very impatient. impatience is a signature character trait of mine, perhaps God wants me to learn: i read the other day, in the bible it says "faith produces patience and patience...etc, etc" (forgot where in the bible, i should start memorizing some things) i'm finding the truth in that statement, believe me. i believe that God can heal me completely, wholly, but WHY IS IT NOT NOW???? it makes me so frustrated sometimes, but then i remember that is not faith. who knew faith is so hard. not only do you need faith to be healed (look at the people healed by Jesus, they all believed before they even asked Him, and He always said "by FAITH you/your servant/your child/whomever is healed"), you also must "live by faith and not by sight". okay so that's hard enough, but i think "faith produces patience" also insinuates that faith needs patience. they go hand in hand. faith is hard, it's so not as easy as i had though in my younger years (now i sound like an old lady). but i have faith God will heal us. i have been quite encouraged lately after reading through John, and Jesus's promise to us that if we love Him and obey His command ("love each other")we can as the Father for anything and He will give it to us. WHAT KIND OF POWER IS THAT???? holy cow. (cows are not holy, i do not believe, i tend to eat them when i can...just an expression okay people)
but i mean God gives us a lot of power, after we're redeemed through Jesus, it's crazy. I've just been discovering this, it's encouraging, now i can pray knowing, perhaps it makes my faith a bit stronger. knowing God will answer, knowing it because Jesus's blood has cleansed me, because He's in the Father and i am in Him through the holy adoption. it also makes me appreciate Jesus dying and rising from the cross all over again.
but i have to admit i'm not always joyful and happy and thankful, i'm always home throwing fits and making my family's life miserable (to which i feel very bad afterwards, and very guilty, i spent like an hour crying yesterday night). so i've been throwing fits (this is not an excuse of course) because, like i stated, i'm still bleeding inside, and you can tell by your poo (yes we're back to excrement)if it's black or bloody red...then it has blood in it. if it's like brown or something, then congratulations!, you're normal, which you probably are. but i'm not, i'm apparently very messed up in my bowels, my guts, my GI tract, whichever you wish. and since the last big bleed/miracle, my parents have restricted my diet down to soupy noodles or soupy rice. i mean it's not bad, but it becomes bad when you can't eat anything else (oh i can have apples and bananas) and you eat the same thing 3 times a day, everyday with no sign of stopping. it's very discouraging and very disgusting, but according to the surgeon fiber will irritate my bowels (so no veggies), and hard foods my parents think will cause more bleeding...or whatever, and then i cant have heavily seasoned food, or acidy food or spicey food...basically nothing. AND I LOVE EATING SO THIS IS TORTURE. so its that (soupy pig food, as i call it) and ensure or boost, supplement drinks.
so you see, i have a complaining and bitter heart, over FOOD, which is silly i know. but it's really hard for me. anyways, praying that i have more faith, hope that sharing some of my feelings won't trip any of you in your walk with God.
but anyways PRAISE THE LORD ALWAYS. just because it's beautiful outside, and today i found that i'm glad i have my eyes. lately they've been feeling funny (chemo and radiation can affect them) but still working. and i know some people would love to be able to see the beautiful spring outside. i think to myself, God is the greatest Artist of all. i think that's why a lot of people want to be artists.
well until next time!
<3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
