It's March! Almost spring time, and I love spring!...Actually to tell the truth I like all the seasons :)
Anyways so update time! The physical/medical side first I guess then we'll delve into my thinkings (which, I know, doesn't make sense to some of you at all). So basically, let's recap. I've been sent back to the hospital after about a month of outpatient clinic, for massive bleeding. That was Feb 13, 2010. WOW. Another long stay at the hospital uh? I'm trying to the make the best of it, since in the last blog I bascially already told you about my massive bleeding, and how i'm basically a guinea pig and they tried like 5903420984039 different tests on me, and could not find the bleeding spot. One of the bone marrow doctors told me "sarah you are the mystery" which make me laugh inwardly (i prob looked unhappy on the outside...lol) because when i started this whole treatment i said to God "Lord lets give these doctors a show, and we're going to make it so that they are rendered completely unworthy when compared to Your Sovereign Healing, lets make it a mystery for them, and then show that only God can Heal with just a word, or a thought."
okay so my faith was a little stronger then, thought I really don't know what i was thinking, because i really am a mystery now, and none of the like 30 doctors i've seen can figure out where i'm bleeding (which means they can stop it...). siiiigh. i should becareful what i ask for eh? but i guess its also party of learning to walk by faith. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS??? because we're like evidence people, we see, we believe. but to SEE, really see?? AAAAAAH. then i start doubt myself, like well is that me seeing it and just having foolish hope? or is that really from God. Well anyways lately i've been very moody (poor father and mother who has to be with me everyday....) watching a lot of werido movies, and some reruns, trying to distract myself, thought the littlest things set me off. like if my parents stay in my room for like more than 7 hours i start freakingout and having spazz attacks. like i LOVE my parents, and they're going through so much stress and complications and financial problems and stuff like that, but i'm still a very seflish brat, and i through my frustrations on them. but i found that i do better alone in my room for most of the day, so when my parents say for longer than like 7 hours, i start freaking out and becoming possessed-like. it's a very strange phenomenon. but i donno.
so the other day they made me swallow this monstrous pill, except that it was a blinking camera, and it was supposed to take pictures as it traveled through my guts, while i wore this bulking werido machines with sticker sensors taped all over my torso, so they can collect pictures so see where i am bleeding. this is like the last resort almost. it was soooooooo uncomfortable to say the least, but at least they didnt make me drink a gallon of diaherra inducing crap. cheers! sigh. so the camera is still in my body, it's been 2 days....hopefully i can poo it out soon. how weird is it to have a camera in your guts floating around?
but yeah so, moving onto my more spiritual/mental state. which is probably not as healthy either. my mom said i need to stop complaining about things and just move forward. i think she's right, of course it didnt make me happy to hear it, but i know i complain a lot, i do so, even when i wasnt sick (but trust me, i will not be so picky/complaining after all this is done! heh) anyways so my father and i (daddy's idea, he is our family's giant spirital leader)will be fasting for 2 days, i hope i wont pass out or something, since i'm already kinda weak...but FAITH. i think just being here, 1. for the 2nd time, 2. since feb 13 (it's been long long weeks of bleeding) 3.the doctors actually telling me i'm a mystery and they cant figure me out is very disheartening. so my dad says we shall fast for 2 days and plead with the Lord. I honestly am a little scared, because when i was healthy i did 30hr famine for church and it well, but right now i havent had anything by watery food, for weeks, i'm asking God for major strength to go through this. But mainly i just want to be healed completely (which i feel like God has already promised me....but the TIMING!!! timing...sigh)
also, all my experiences, at first i wanted to hide, but realized God is using this for testimony to other people. recently (i wont reveal actual name) a really good friend that i value a lot joined bible study!!! made me very emotional/happy/crying. being used by God, maybe make this worthwhile.
i realized when i get better i want to be an agent of God that can just bring joy and God's love to people, because i've realized how much life is a gift, and i have to get through the disease. acts 20:24 however, i consider my life worth nothing to me, if only i may finish the race and complete the task the lord Jesus has given me-the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.
i think that takes so much faith to say and actually do, at least for me, because i tend to focuz on the physical a lot, and walking by faith is really hard. perhaps i'm just too weak, but when i'm in pain, its so hard to focuz on God and His Grace, soemtimes i cry out to him and ask him WHYYYYY ARE YOU NOT THERE, WHY IS YOUR TIMING SO SLOW, WHY HAVE YOU ABANDONED ME??? but in my mind i know He would never, but my soul was in so much anguish. but i think when i heard that my friend was joining bible study, i cried for like 10 minutes straight out of joy, because she said she was inspired by my situation, and all i did was sit and complain. God is merciful eh? He still allowed me witness andtake part of bring glory to His kingdom even though i did nothing but sit around groaning.
i'm discovering, or rather rediscovering the power prayer with faith!!! the healing of my bleeding, lots of bleeding after scan, but then after that no more bloody stool, feb 25, thurs, had brown stool (little blood clot) but God is faithful, it's not bloody!!! power of prayer with faith. i think those 2 days where a while ago (because...as if right now i still am bleeding quite a lot), but like i remember just praying, in precious Jesus's name and God had given me peace. but see then the blood came back, and i was soooo disappointed. why Lord, would you do this? is this walking by faith, knowing you have healed me, but what i see is the contrary?
Anyways, still trying to learn to walk with faith, because doubt is so easy to just slip in, like a "what if it's not that, because i cant see it" but i have to remember 2cor5:7 because i think there is no healing if there is no faith. matthew 9:20-22: just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak. she said to herself, "if i only touch his cloak, i can be healed." esus turned and saw her. "take heart, daughter," he said, "your FAITH HAS HEALED YOU." and the woman was healed from that moment. faith has such a huge part in healing, and i have so little of it. i can't believe i was so conceited and thought i had the faith to move mountains, when i can even pull myself out of this heart of darkness really. but i guess then this is all a very slow learning process.
i found this song that is very appropriate to what i'm learning right now:
In His Time
A:IN HIS TIME, IN HIS TIME
HE MAKES ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL IN HIS TIME
LORD, PLEASE SHOW ME EVERYDAY
AS YOU'RE TEACHING ME YOUR WAY
AND I'LL DO JUST WHAT YOU SAY
IN YOUR TIME.
B:IN YOUR TIME, IN YOUR TIME
YOU MAKE ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL IN YOUR TIME
LORD, MY LIFE TO YOU I BRING
MAY EACH SONG I HAVE TO SING
BE TO YOU A LOVELY THING
IN YOUR TIME
BE TO YOU A LOVELY THING
IN YOUR TIME.
(below is a earlier addition to this blog, so it goes kinda backwards...if you can follow that)
i found two verses that's somewhat relevant and much needed for me right now: its 6am feb 27 sat and i cant sleep because i just had 8 bloody stools (small ones granted, not TOO fresh) but when i see that i see a major step backwards. thought God promised to cure me of my bleeding a 2 days ago, so i got scared. still trying to learn the live by faith, and not by sight, thought sight is overwhelming and such a good foothold for Satan, doubt and fear, which is what is happening. but then i ask for a sigh, 125lbs or higher, usually, i'm not that hight. but 125.4. God is good, my faith is weak, and i need MAJOR help in that area. wonder how abraham had enough faith to actually go and try to kill his only son... woooow.
but if i can focus on the fact that my life is a testimony to a friend who just started bible study, that is good enough.
found another verse: 2corth4:16-18. what our human eyes cannot see. focus focus! to have a relationship with God is sometimes really hard it requires a lot of God helping us. ironic
so onward i go with 2 days of fasting and hopefully lots of prayer and HEALING. and hopefully God will give me the physical strength to do it right now when i'm already very weak. but FAITH is what we walk by.
oh funny story. i was somewhat coordinated (by that i mean clothes) and i had put in earrings now, because it takes away some of my boredom in the hospital. and the nurses were like "oh look at youuu, dont you look stylish" and some lady was like "yeah i was vacationing in italy, and people there dress like, thats very fashionable". hahahha while i was like dragging my feet trying to walk in the halls. all 125lbs of non muscle. :D
anyways this has been long enough and it's time to take my ambien and sleep somewhat. i also decided to keep a personal journal so that i can write down what i'm thankful for that day, and how i can praise God for that day. i think it'll help me with my mini depression, and also write down my fustrations and counter them with more reasonable thoughts. writing is a good reliever.
well adieu, and thankyou all for reading my blog so faithfully, even though i'm just one insignificant patient out of many many that i see everyday. thank you all for praying for me! and thank you for donating money, every cent will hopefully turn and bless you as well. it's midnight. better go to sleep. i miss seeing people's faces. one day!
love,sarah
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
this is long due, eh? hello again world!
hello everyone! hopefully this more organized and conclusive.
okay I dont know how much i updated last time, or what i said (i probably said a lot of "i dont know whats going on, etc"), so I'll just update. Basically when i got the hospital from transplant, i was required to go to transplant clinic everyday. but at the apartment that i rented i still experienced a lot pain, from my polyoma (spelling not relevant okay!)pee-pee virus, and random belly pains. mornings were always the worst, so many pills to take with my breakfast. and lunch. and dinner. i think all random pain that i was experiencing after leaving the hospital was unexpected, i thought that when i left the hospital it would be like a miracle healing, like poof, i'm better! but i guess it didnt go as i expected, and so i became anxious and scared, scared of having pain randomly that can't be stopped, i was scared that i was improving, etc. and i think everything, all the different changes caused a lot of stress, and i dont handle stress and pain very well. i think at that time Satan was seriously attacking my mind, trying to convince me that God had abandoned me, that's how i felt. actually to tell the truth i feel like sometimes still, but i know in my heart and mind He is always faithful.
i realized that i really needed the fruits of the spirit, i needed the Peace, the Joy, the Patience, etc. I needed to learn to find comfort in God, because Jesus has victory over death and all of this right? i mean He's gone through everything, He knows. but for me, when i'm in pain, i completely lose it. so i tried to be more God minded, to find things to praise God. i needed to get out of my spiritual depression, which at that point, i still haven't really. i think it was just too much random pain, and too many pills.
sooo, a lot physical change and uncomfortable. but i realized during that time how selfish i've become and uncaring, and i withdrew from people (and this blog...as you see...). i also began treating my parents awfully, like i took advantage of their love for me to throw temper tantrums and being a brat over all. i think i add a lot of stress to my parents, and overall my family. sometimes i'm even mean to my brother, it was just bad. i think this whole experience is much much more than just the physical. i'm thinking jeremiah when he went to see the potter. i'm the clay, the clay is not comfortable, the clay is losing its spirit.
but anyways i'm determined know to not allow a foothold for satan to mess up anything. i remember reading a verse, 2 Corinthians 5:7 we walk by faith and not by sight. and that struck me a lot, because up to then i had been paying so much attention on my pain, and all the symptoms (still have that GVHD and peepee virus!), but yeah i've been so focused on that mere human eyes can see. but walking by faith is really, really hard.
especially for me right now, because well, here is the LATEST update.
so one day at clinic they realized that my red blood cells went from 8.6 to 5.8 which is a HUUUUUUUUUUUGE drop. this huge drop in rbc's means that there is massive bleeding somewhere in my body. so that fateful day at clinic, i got transported back to the hospital, and that was feb 13. and i've been here since. the first 5 days they did not allow me to eat anything, and they did not give me any iv nutrition, so i became bedridden, and all skin and bones. 120lbs for my height? that's crazy. then they made me do like 5 different tests, like sticking stuff up my colon, down my throat, making me drink a gallon of prep stuff which made me bleed more. anyways for 5 days i ate nothing, besides drinnk these nasty preps that gave me more diarrhea, but they never found where my bleeding spot(s). and now i'm on iv nutrition, but still bleeding. i get so many blood and platelet transfusions these days. the first few days, during those tests, i was so stressed so focused on the pain, i began having these spazz attacks again. it's kinda like being possessed by some kind of spirit, my arms would flail and my legs were jerk and my whole body would twist and....well bascially i looked possessed, and i couldnt speak english, and they would have to give me calming medicine. and i withdrew again from the outside world, and putting myself in misery.
but lately i'm been trying a new method. DISTRACTION. haha i have a rough draft of a small business that i want to start, and i've been trying to budget a little bit of money to plan my brothers first birthday party, and do soemthing special for all my family, because i konw i'm going through a lot, but i think them watching me, is going through a lot too. so my little business (which totally just popped in my head, i think as a gift from God) will hopefully start up after i get better. and i've been painting wooden boxes here and watching a bunch of crappy (some good) movies to keep preoccupied and the spasms and possessed weirdoness has def decreased. i praise the Lord that He is pulling me out of the spiritual low, and for the great support and care i'm getting from my parents who are probably all so stressed.
which brings me to the last point. it's been really stressful for my dad and mom, because they have to work and be with me, and be with aaron, but take time off to see me. and our financial situation is not looking good at all, so thank you all who have donated, whether in case or to the ntafund. but i donno. i'm scared for my parents health, and job and they're barely working, so we have like no money. i've been asking friends around to help me do fundraising, but anyways. God will provide.
Thank you all for reading my blog, though it may not make any sense to some of you, but thank you for your support, whether financially or through prayer, or through service (i'm hearing from my parents that lots of aunties and uncles have brought yummmy food over....too bad i cant eat any of it but it's so nice!)
we must all proceed with a thankful heart, praise the Lord! keeping myself distracted until God heals me. and you know i really wish i could touch the cloak of Jesus Christ, like that woman did so long ago, but then i remembered He left us the Holy Spirit.
Praise the Lord always! hopefully i'll update more recently since i'm trying to make an effort to getting better, no just physically but mentally, spiritally. finding peace at times like this, using faith at a time like this, this is where it becomes real.
okay I dont know how much i updated last time, or what i said (i probably said a lot of "i dont know whats going on, etc"), so I'll just update. Basically when i got the hospital from transplant, i was required to go to transplant clinic everyday. but at the apartment that i rented i still experienced a lot pain, from my polyoma (spelling not relevant okay!)pee-pee virus, and random belly pains. mornings were always the worst, so many pills to take with my breakfast. and lunch. and dinner. i think all random pain that i was experiencing after leaving the hospital was unexpected, i thought that when i left the hospital it would be like a miracle healing, like poof, i'm better! but i guess it didnt go as i expected, and so i became anxious and scared, scared of having pain randomly that can't be stopped, i was scared that i was improving, etc. and i think everything, all the different changes caused a lot of stress, and i dont handle stress and pain very well. i think at that time Satan was seriously attacking my mind, trying to convince me that God had abandoned me, that's how i felt. actually to tell the truth i feel like sometimes still, but i know in my heart and mind He is always faithful.
i realized that i really needed the fruits of the spirit, i needed the Peace, the Joy, the Patience, etc. I needed to learn to find comfort in God, because Jesus has victory over death and all of this right? i mean He's gone through everything, He knows. but for me, when i'm in pain, i completely lose it. so i tried to be more God minded, to find things to praise God. i needed to get out of my spiritual depression, which at that point, i still haven't really. i think it was just too much random pain, and too many pills.
sooo, a lot physical change and uncomfortable. but i realized during that time how selfish i've become and uncaring, and i withdrew from people (and this blog...as you see...). i also began treating my parents awfully, like i took advantage of their love for me to throw temper tantrums and being a brat over all. i think i add a lot of stress to my parents, and overall my family. sometimes i'm even mean to my brother, it was just bad. i think this whole experience is much much more than just the physical. i'm thinking jeremiah when he went to see the potter. i'm the clay, the clay is not comfortable, the clay is losing its spirit.
but anyways i'm determined know to not allow a foothold for satan to mess up anything. i remember reading a verse, 2 Corinthians 5:7 we walk by faith and not by sight. and that struck me a lot, because up to then i had been paying so much attention on my pain, and all the symptoms (still have that GVHD and peepee virus!), but yeah i've been so focused on that mere human eyes can see. but walking by faith is really, really hard.
especially for me right now, because well, here is the LATEST update.
so one day at clinic they realized that my red blood cells went from 8.6 to 5.8 which is a HUUUUUUUUUUUGE drop. this huge drop in rbc's means that there is massive bleeding somewhere in my body. so that fateful day at clinic, i got transported back to the hospital, and that was feb 13. and i've been here since. the first 5 days they did not allow me to eat anything, and they did not give me any iv nutrition, so i became bedridden, and all skin and bones. 120lbs for my height? that's crazy. then they made me do like 5 different tests, like sticking stuff up my colon, down my throat, making me drink a gallon of prep stuff which made me bleed more. anyways for 5 days i ate nothing, besides drinnk these nasty preps that gave me more diarrhea, but they never found where my bleeding spot(s). and now i'm on iv nutrition, but still bleeding. i get so many blood and platelet transfusions these days. the first few days, during those tests, i was so stressed so focused on the pain, i began having these spazz attacks again. it's kinda like being possessed by some kind of spirit, my arms would flail and my legs were jerk and my whole body would twist and....well bascially i looked possessed, and i couldnt speak english, and they would have to give me calming medicine. and i withdrew again from the outside world, and putting myself in misery.
but lately i'm been trying a new method. DISTRACTION. haha i have a rough draft of a small business that i want to start, and i've been trying to budget a little bit of money to plan my brothers first birthday party, and do soemthing special for all my family, because i konw i'm going through a lot, but i think them watching me, is going through a lot too. so my little business (which totally just popped in my head, i think as a gift from God) will hopefully start up after i get better. and i've been painting wooden boxes here and watching a bunch of crappy (some good) movies to keep preoccupied and the spasms and possessed weirdoness has def decreased. i praise the Lord that He is pulling me out of the spiritual low, and for the great support and care i'm getting from my parents who are probably all so stressed.
which brings me to the last point. it's been really stressful for my dad and mom, because they have to work and be with me, and be with aaron, but take time off to see me. and our financial situation is not looking good at all, so thank you all who have donated, whether in case or to the ntafund. but i donno. i'm scared for my parents health, and job and they're barely working, so we have like no money. i've been asking friends around to help me do fundraising, but anyways. God will provide.
Thank you all for reading my blog, though it may not make any sense to some of you, but thank you for your support, whether financially or through prayer, or through service (i'm hearing from my parents that lots of aunties and uncles have brought yummmy food over....too bad i cant eat any of it but it's so nice!)
we must all proceed with a thankful heart, praise the Lord! keeping myself distracted until God heals me. and you know i really wish i could touch the cloak of Jesus Christ, like that woman did so long ago, but then i remembered He left us the Holy Spirit.
Praise the Lord always! hopefully i'll update more recently since i'm trying to make an effort to getting better, no just physically but mentally, spiritally. finding peace at times like this, using faith at a time like this, this is where it becomes real.
Monday, February 8, 2010
i have neglected this for a long time...
wellllllll....so i've been out of the hospital for a couple of weeks now? i donno, i've lost track of time.
i'm sure some of you have been following my fathers more medical side of the situation.
i'm still a little scatterbrained by everything thats going on/what happened to me the past few weeks. so i moved into "north point" that's part of Oakwood contemporary housings. it's really nice, it's all furnished and has kitchen supplies (of course very different than chinese cooking stuff, and everytime we try to actually cook, the fire alarm would go off haha.) but yeah 2 bedroom, i took some pics maybe i'll post some pictures up later about my whole process.
but basically every morning i get up, eat breakfast and a whole cup of nasty pills that makes really nervous and unhappy and etc. and of course there is a cup of pills during lunch, and at night for dinner. way to ruin eating right? i donno i think i've developed some kind of psychological scared-ness from it. like i dread the morning, and i think all the pills that are supposed to make me "feel good" or w/e wears off then in the morning too, so mornings are the worst for me. i'm always a bit jittery, nervous, i donno, i work up literally SCARED. i think it's finally hit me how long it will take, and i think i've been kinda focusing on the very immediate things, and so i'm like totally freaking out. i think my spirit and faith is being really stretched. i've been having a lot belly/abdominal pain (and the doctors dont really know why, but they don't think its really part of the GVHD) and sometimes battling diarrhea which is sooooooo tiring, i think you can imagine.
i donno, mornings are scary for me, maybe i'm just losing it, i think i was def going through a little depression. i feel like i'm praying all the time for relief, but it just doesnt come... i guess i mean everyone goes through this process has to deal with this, but sometimes, just sometimes i feel like God has abandoned me, but i mean i KNOW he hasnt, just when i'm in immense pain, it's hard to look forward, or even look backward to see progress you know? so lately i've been keeping a journal of my progresses and what has been happening and hopefully every week i can look back and praise the Lord for being so good to me, because i know He is. it's just hard. i have a very very weak spirit right now, i need lots and lots of prayers to get out of this gloomy-ness because it's really not helping me recover.
anyways my urinary virus is getting better, i even noticed it, though sometimes i get intense tummy aches, sometimes because i'm hungry, but other times i donno...why it hurts. and i take SO many pills now, because i'm not in the hospital to do it by iv. and some of it hurts me when i take it down.
but i have to trust in God's timing right? i keep thinking back to joseph, and how when he was little he had dreams of his family bowing down to him and all that, but what did he go through? i mean he had to wait in jail for like years, because some guy forgot about him. but God's timing is perfect right, in like one day he went from working in jail to becoming 2nd in command in egypt. it's crazy. i dont really know what i'm talking about, besides that i thought that when i got out of the hospital, i would miraculous become better...i guess i was little disappointed. and then every day it's such a struggle for me between pain (even though they gave me morphine pills.... imean thats pretty intense. i dont take much...)
i guess disappointment is something i'm battling with, though really it's all in God's hand, and He had this planned from the beginning. and i do believe that He does all these things to prosper us and allow us to live a more fullfilling life, but sometimes its hard to remember.
i also almost found myself wishing i was back in the hospital at once, because they have iv meds, and it's so much less torture for me, but then i remember the jews when they were brought out of egypt they complained about everything, even though the Lord provided so much for them. so i'm trying to find things to praise God for everyday...
i dont really know what i'm saying now. i'm finding myself really scatterbrained. my parents are under a lot of stress too, please pray for them. i think it must be hard to watch your daughter scream and moan in pain.
anyways. also my dad had helped me set up an donation account with ntafund.org, so that if anyone can or is willing to donate money they can do it right through there. it accepts credit card, so i guess that's a benefit and you can tax reductions. but i think they keep like 4% of it, but i donno, the money goes to my account under them, and they can help pay for medical bills and housing and co-payments and extra. please spread the word if you can :)
Thank you all who have already supported us! especially through prayers and all the love and food and care!!!!
last post i thought i had posted a website that andy showed me on fb about not wasting cancer, but i'm not seeing it... so i'll post it again. i think everyone should read it.
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TasteAndSee/ByDate/2006/1776_Dont_Waste_Your_Cancer/
i think some of the points on there, God has been slowly teaching me through this .... VERY SLOW ...process.
anyways. God gives me strength. that's what i've been repeating myself while trying "relaxation exercises". haha.
this blog has made no sense. at all. i've kind of lost touch with people, so i just want to appologize, and hopefully, soon i will ease myself back into reality and be more "normal" or whatever that means. :)
love you all, thank you for your support and for reading this really weird blog.
i'm sure some of you have been following my fathers more medical side of the situation.
i'm still a little scatterbrained by everything thats going on/what happened to me the past few weeks. so i moved into "north point" that's part of Oakwood contemporary housings. it's really nice, it's all furnished and has kitchen supplies (of course very different than chinese cooking stuff, and everytime we try to actually cook, the fire alarm would go off haha.) but yeah 2 bedroom, i took some pics maybe i'll post some pictures up later about my whole process.
but basically every morning i get up, eat breakfast and a whole cup of nasty pills that makes really nervous and unhappy and etc. and of course there is a cup of pills during lunch, and at night for dinner. way to ruin eating right? i donno i think i've developed some kind of psychological scared-ness from it. like i dread the morning, and i think all the pills that are supposed to make me "feel good" or w/e wears off then in the morning too, so mornings are the worst for me. i'm always a bit jittery, nervous, i donno, i work up literally SCARED. i think it's finally hit me how long it will take, and i think i've been kinda focusing on the very immediate things, and so i'm like totally freaking out. i think my spirit and faith is being really stretched. i've been having a lot belly/abdominal pain (and the doctors dont really know why, but they don't think its really part of the GVHD) and sometimes battling diarrhea which is sooooooo tiring, i think you can imagine.
i donno, mornings are scary for me, maybe i'm just losing it, i think i was def going through a little depression. i feel like i'm praying all the time for relief, but it just doesnt come... i guess i mean everyone goes through this process has to deal with this, but sometimes, just sometimes i feel like God has abandoned me, but i mean i KNOW he hasnt, just when i'm in immense pain, it's hard to look forward, or even look backward to see progress you know? so lately i've been keeping a journal of my progresses and what has been happening and hopefully every week i can look back and praise the Lord for being so good to me, because i know He is. it's just hard. i have a very very weak spirit right now, i need lots and lots of prayers to get out of this gloomy-ness because it's really not helping me recover.
anyways my urinary virus is getting better, i even noticed it, though sometimes i get intense tummy aches, sometimes because i'm hungry, but other times i donno...why it hurts. and i take SO many pills now, because i'm not in the hospital to do it by iv. and some of it hurts me when i take it down.
but i have to trust in God's timing right? i keep thinking back to joseph, and how when he was little he had dreams of his family bowing down to him and all that, but what did he go through? i mean he had to wait in jail for like years, because some guy forgot about him. but God's timing is perfect right, in like one day he went from working in jail to becoming 2nd in command in egypt. it's crazy. i dont really know what i'm talking about, besides that i thought that when i got out of the hospital, i would miraculous become better...i guess i was little disappointed. and then every day it's such a struggle for me between pain (even though they gave me morphine pills.... imean thats pretty intense. i dont take much...)
i guess disappointment is something i'm battling with, though really it's all in God's hand, and He had this planned from the beginning. and i do believe that He does all these things to prosper us and allow us to live a more fullfilling life, but sometimes its hard to remember.
i also almost found myself wishing i was back in the hospital at once, because they have iv meds, and it's so much less torture for me, but then i remember the jews when they were brought out of egypt they complained about everything, even though the Lord provided so much for them. so i'm trying to find things to praise God for everyday...
i dont really know what i'm saying now. i'm finding myself really scatterbrained. my parents are under a lot of stress too, please pray for them. i think it must be hard to watch your daughter scream and moan in pain.
anyways. also my dad had helped me set up an donation account with ntafund.org, so that if anyone can or is willing to donate money they can do it right through there. it accepts credit card, so i guess that's a benefit and you can tax reductions. but i think they keep like 4% of it, but i donno, the money goes to my account under them, and they can help pay for medical bills and housing and co-payments and extra. please spread the word if you can :)
Thank you all who have already supported us! especially through prayers and all the love and food and care!!!!
last post i thought i had posted a website that andy showed me on fb about not wasting cancer, but i'm not seeing it... so i'll post it again. i think everyone should read it.
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TasteAndSee/ByDate/2006/1776_Dont_Waste_Your_Cancer/
i think some of the points on there, God has been slowly teaching me through this .... VERY SLOW ...process.
anyways. God gives me strength. that's what i've been repeating myself while trying "relaxation exercises". haha.
this blog has made no sense. at all. i've kind of lost touch with people, so i just want to appologize, and hopefully, soon i will ease myself back into reality and be more "normal" or whatever that means. :)
love you all, thank you for your support and for reading this really weird blog.
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