I guess, it's actually WINTER!

LAST POST EVER ON THIS BLOG!

So it snowed. I'm excited. I never used to get excited about snow in Cary, because it usually sucks. But this time it looks clean, and crisp (and a little bit wet...yuck) and fresh! Yay!

So it's almost been a year, soon - on Dec 11th (coming up) is my immune system/my new birthday! I will be having cake. Ha! But there's really no point in going on with this blog. I'm sure it's boring people to death/no one except a few dedicated people (thank you!!) read this.

However, just for the blog's sake, I will update. I did happen to encounter a virus recently (Thanksgiving was bunch of fun, I got to go out and EAT, and see FRIENDS! but I also go sick...) and had to go to the hospital to be watched. And it caused my GI tract to stop moving, so the stuff and air just got stuck and gave me a lot of pain...poo. Anyways, I'm getting better. I had a slight fever, lots of coughing and sputum that was yucky brown/green colored. I couldn't eat anything good for like a week. Anyways, I guess I have the flu virus or something, but it hit harder than for normal people.

But I'm getting better so praise God!

Can't wait for my cake! And for moving on to a new chapter of life. I actually am considering transferring to UNC now... my body is definitely not strong. But I think if I were to go to Chicago again, God will give me strength. After all I felt really called to go there in the first place. We'll see. Well goodbye dear readers! I will have a new blog, but it won't be really directly relate to my transplant process/recovery. Here's the address anyways (I doubt any of the occasional adults who read this blog would care for the new one..) greymattermusings.blogspot.com

I haven't gotten much on it yet, but will I hope, keep up better with this new one than this one. Kaaay! Byyye.
<3 Sarah

The rain, on the plain, in spain?

I am looking outside, to the back porch, and it looks glorious. Yes it is rainy and gloomy, but I quite like it. I'm glad the weather has gone down, though I no longer have enough fat to keep me warm...

A week after the last post, I had some stomach problems (it hurt a little for a day or so) because I think I ate too many tangerines and clementines that week...so I haven't had any since then. I also had a bad day when I ate too much steak one day. So I guess even if I'm trying to gain weight quickly, it wont come.

My iron levels are still too high - which is ironic right? Because most Asians I know are anemic, and lacking what I have in surplus. So tomorrow I will go to the hospital again and they will try to draw a pint of blood to throw away so it can lower my iron levels. I'm praying hard that it will succeed, because last time we tried this, they poked me FIVE times before giving up because apparently none of my veins (which are over used) will take in a iv needle. SIGH.

Well, nothing much on my end. Last time I checked my blood, my red blood cells were low - I don't know why since they've been normal for a while...But anyways, hopefully when I'm a little stronger, I will be able to attend church again! Yay! I'm very excited, since I think maybe that goal can be achieved this month. So I'm hoping to see some of you at church, yay!

<3

the beginning of the end, and to a new beginning

If that makes any sense...

So update time! Basically I'm almost all clear for any kinds of foods - I started eating clementines last week which is a big deal, because up til last week I wasn't allowed to eat "sour"/acidic foods. I've been tolerating pretty well, praise God! I've also had hot pot last week, which I know is kind of early, but I LOVE hot pot, especially my mommy's sauce with stinky tofu and shachajiang and other stuff. TOP SECRET haha. She accidentally made it really spicy the first time, and I had some - but it didn't hurt my tummy. (Though I'm sure it would have, if I kept it up...I'm sure) So that means I can tolerate a little bit of spicy and acidic now, which is a big deal.

Once I get my immunization shots, then I can go out and hopefully eat a hamburger! Yay!
Oh I made some more food, that I have pictures for.I tried to make some french toast with bacon and raspberries for my brother one morning.
And I made some steak and mashed potatoes for dinner once. Yummy! I overcooked it though...but I can't have like bloody meat so, I guess I have an excuse...

Also, last Saturday, I went "mountain" climbing at Eno River State Park. I think the highest point there was 700 feet, which I suppose is a mini-mountain in this state. I made it almost to the top of the 700 feet, but GOSH, climbing up that steep of a mountain was very difficult for me. BUT I ALMOST MADE IT! I walked like two miles, about, that day - that's pretty good for me now! I have some pictures. It was very beautiful...I'm so happy when I don't have to be stuck at home, it's really depressing being home all the time.
The suspension bridge at the Eno River - very freaaaky!
The river!, before climbing up the big stinky, steep mountain. I look terrible. yuuucky.

Oh I went to adventure landing to play a while back, I think I mentioned it. Here's go carts!
Yay for fun!
<3

Falllllll

Three cheers for fall, officially. Since a week ago, it was too hot to actually be fall - autumn, whatever you wish to call it. I'm happy with the weather. Very nice and cool, very windy, very good.

So I think I'm going to stop this blog after I turn immunologically 1, because really, my life is pretty boring. I'm going to go work on my other blog after this.

Update time! So basically for all of you who are wondering, I don't get any more treatments, I'm recovering very nicely. I do go to the bone marrow clinic occasionally to get checkups. Soon I will get my immunization shots, then I'll be like a free bird! I'm hoping to visit friends at UNC, go back to church, and join AO for as long as I'm going to be here, and do other fun things...like GO TO THE LIBRARY!...hahaha because I'm a nerd. Sigh.

I've been taking walks every morning and night, always avoiding the sun of course, and it's been quite tiring. I still get tired very easily, and I occasionally forget to take my pills. My brain just isn't what it was before.

But to the request of my dear, lovely friend who reads this ever so faithfully, here are some pictures of those Momofuku pork buns, and some canto styled bbq pork ribs (no I'm not Cantonese...). They turned out DELISH. I guess I'm a natural born cook (wink wink) - haha, just kidding.


These are baked pork belly with hoisin sauce and pickles/cucumbers fresh, with scallions. YUMMMY. David Chang is genius.
Broiled bbq pork ribs.

No pictures of the mustard and pork belly sorrrry.
Maybe I'll update pictures later if I ever get to cooking again. Cooking is tiring for me, standing around, mixing stuff and all that. I had to like sit at the table and mix the flour and stuff for the pork buns. SO WEAK.

I'm gaining weight! Mostly from eating all this junk, ha.

So yeah, I don't think I want to transfer. I think it's funny how most of the UChicago students are telling me I shouldn't and all the adults here are telling me I should. I just really don't feel like God is directing me towards UNC or Duke or whatever else. I mean I asked Him to give me a notable sign if I should transfer, but so far nothing.

Now my dad is going crazy about wanting to find a job in Chicago and moving the whole family there, HA. That will never work because my family hates the cold. My mom is already complaining about the weather here, and it's not even below 50 yet. Oi.

Well, ta ta until next time!
<3

Let's be interactive here...

Hello faithful readers!
Thanks again for actually caring about my boring, and do I mean boring. But I suppose I try to make it sound more exciting for you, out there, reading.

I have a wonderful idea, it's almost like the enlightenment of blogging - like the renaissance of blogging! How about all you dear readers, if you have time because I know your life is much more eventful than mine, leave me comments! Then I feel like I am actually talking to someone.

I was thinking about this because recently my parents have gotten even more aggressive with their "suggestions" at transferring school for next year. In fact they offered to buy me a new car if I agree to such prosperous (or maybe not?) idea. Here's how the conversation kind of went:

Mom or Dad: "You should transfer schools because that way we can barge in on you anytime we like and make sure you stay a baby and dependent on us forever - and so that we can regulate you're every move and therefore you will no longer have any freedom...MWAHAHAHA
(translate: you should transfer schools so we can take care of you so you wont get sick from stressing out too much and we can make you food -even if chinatown's restaurant food is much better- and you'll be closer to home so we can visit you and you can come home every weekend!)"
Me: "No."
Mom or Dad (see I don't remember the details): "If you go to school here, we can buy you a new car!"
Me: "Ha.ha. That's funny. I want a BMW."
Dad (it was def him): "That can be worked out!"
Me (staring in disbelief): "Um, no it can't. We don't have any money..."
Dad: "We can borrow money!"
Me: "WE'RE ALREADY IN DEBT!!!"

I forgot what my dad said, but it was stupidly optimistic...haha. Three things I conclude from this: 1. My parents are clearly desperate/love me too much to be even offering this (and yes it is in earnest, not in a joking way) 2. I think I rather have a Mustang, in classic red, just like the good ol Chinese I am 3. Bribes are very good at convincing me to change my stubborn mind - which would make me a terrible court judge or jury or whatever (ha!).

But now I have a good reason to transfer (a car!) and a reason to NEVER transfer (we clearly don't have money to buy some ridiculous new car, or even a used one). Of course Uchicago is like 10 times more expensive than UNC, but I get some grant money...sigh. There are pros and cons to everything.
Which is why I would appreciate your comments :) Tell me what you think please.

On the other hand, I've been working on my cooking. I've semi mastered the taste of meicaikourou (which dried preserved mustard and bork belly, poached), the first time I put too much sugar, following the recipe. I realized this is because I am following a Cantonese person's cookbook, and apparently they love their sugar. It still looks like doggie doo, but tastes pretty good :) Then I tried some barbecue pork ribs, broiled yesterday night. ERM!! I don't know how to use a broiler, so I charred one side of it before realizing I should have used the LOW setting instead of the HIGH. I also used too much Hoisin (that's haixian for the rest of us Chinese) sauce...again following the recipe. I did use my brain and pre-cut the amount of honey I used (thank goodness!!). Anyways cooking is much fun! Soon I hope to learn how to make Beijing duck. SOOOOO excited! Yay.

Well, I guess it's karma.

Now that I have officially established that I fail at keeping updates on my blog, I think I have managed to lose most of my readers...right at the time I decided to reform. Oh well, here goes to talking to myself, and the emptiness of the world wide web. Cheers.

So...lately I've been thinking about how weird it is, my position in life...or my life in general. In terms of years, technically I'm 20 years old, physically (organ wise) I'm like 50 years old because of all the wear and tear of treatment, immunologically I'm not even 1 years old, and emotionally I sometimes feel like an 8 year old, sometimes an 80 year old.

GOSH. Now how does that work out? I mean sure there are people who are like "child at heart" or like "too mature for their age" or whatever the cliche is, but this is ridiculous.

I just wanted to post about this because I find it really, really odd. That's all.

Oh yeah. I'm going through STEROID withdraw. All good citizens refrain from calling the police to rat me out, all policemen refrain from jumping into your little nifty alarm capable, blue and white cars and racing over to my house - it was prescribed. Whew. I mean after all I'm not a baseball player, nor am I a woman seeking to look like a man (do I need help in that apartment... NO. And yes I do remember all those nasty little fiends that said "Oh Sarah, you're soooooo MANLY" in high school. But don't worry, because Jesus forgave me, I forgive you as well. OTHERWISE, you might be in trouble...mwahaha...).

So no I am not either of those, I am just a sick person who's body became addicted to steroids. Now, steroid withdraw comes with nasty little side effects like muscle ache, and overall body discomfort. Fun fact: it's because cortisol (fight or flight hormone) (which is apparently in steroids) is naturally produced, but when the body has outside sources of it, its adrenal glands stop producing it on its own. So when I stopped taking my steroids, as ordered by doctor, my adrenal glands have yet to wake up and start producing hormones again. So, the conclusion is, I feel yucky and awful (not quite the same thing) for a few days. Well it's been 5, but hey who's counting? Hopefully misery will be over soon! Always hopeful!
<3

***OPPS. I guess cortisol isn't the actual fight or flight hormone (my physician lied to me!), it's the other thing that the adrenal gland produces. But cortisol is increased during fight or flight...Anyways I don't know what is in steroids...so I Googled it. Here's what I got from http://www.marvistavet.com/html/body_prednisone.html "Prednisone and prednisolone are members of the glucocorticoid class of hormones. This means they are steroids but, unlike the anabolic steroids that we hear about regarding sports medicine, these are "catabolic" steroids. Instead of building the body up, they are designed to break down stored resources (fats, sugars and proteins) so that they may be used as fuels in times of stress. Cortisone would be an example of a related hormone with which most people are familiar. Glucocorticoids hormones are produced naturally by the adrenal glands to prepare us metabolically for physical exercise and stress."

We learn new things everyday!

I fail at keeping a blog...

Well hello people.

My dad stopped his little calender, and I think there are still some people who want to read my blog updates (or at least one, which is I suppose, enough reason for me to continue).

It's been 9 months! I can't believe it. I hope that I get a yummy cake on December 11th, for my 1st year birthday - haha. My mom's birthday is coming up next month, as well as my parents 21st anniversary! I got my mom some face products from Sephora.

I sometimes wonder what my mom was like when she was my age, and how she turned out the way she did. I think as we kids grow older, our parents grow wiser (haha).

There's not much to update really. Since the last time I updated, I finished 6 seasons of House because I'm an official loser. I've reduced my pill intake to only two a day (one type of pill - antiviral). I ordered these two awesome cookbooks and am working my way through them one at a time. And then yesterday I watched "Julie&Julia", which I was quite inspired by. Though I am not cooking through Julia Child's cookbook (since the ones I ordered are Asian food: Chinese one, and Momofuku) it's kind of cool to see someone journal their journey through something. I've always had the problem that Julia Powell did - and that is starting projects with full force then never finishing them. Take for example, my novel (ha.ha...) which I wrote 60 something pages to, and just left it there, TWICE. Actually the first time I wrote it, I left it at almost 100 pages, but then I decided it sucked, so I started over from page 1 and wrote 60. I think I will start another blog for my writing, so that I can actually achieve something, other than wasting my time.
Actually, I already have another blog set up for creative writing, but obviously, I suck at blogging, so it's been left abandoned.

Well overall, my health is getting better, I take longer walks now, and can ALMOST jog constantly for a short time. My weight has reached 115 lbs, which is a lot better than the 109 lbs it was a month, or so, ago. I have more energy and have been skipping my afternoon naps, sometimes. And I miss human interaction...haha. I feel like I'm a caveman or something. Or a houseman...since I live in a house, not a cave (har har).

I'm very excited about the new health law, yay for better health insurance! I'll try to do weekly updates on this blog, for those few who read it :) I'm actually really surprised people would want to read my blog, I feel like blogging is so narcissistic...unless it had a specific point to it. I suppose this is my "health/post transplant" blog...haha.

<3

woooa...schools around the corner - for most of you

so that sore throat of mine became a flow blown sore throat along with fever and all that...i was put on two new pills for a while, but now am coming off of them again (one was an anti fungal, one was an antiviral). i got a shot this two mondays ago, to boost my red blood cell growth, so they can take a unit of blood away again next time to reduce my iron levels. except when i went for a checkup this past monday, they decided that they weren't going to draw any more of my blood, and just let my iron levels lower themselves. just this past week i've been feeling all nauseous, and have been vomiting from friday middle of the night to during the day time, a total of 4 times, then again starting saturday middle of the night, vomiting two times. i went to the clinic, got an abdominal xray and apparently there wasn't anything wrong besides "a lot of poop" aka i was constipated and hurting from that. oh did i mention i was in A LOT of belly pain and was taking a lot of pain medication (which was increasing my constipation...ironic isnt it?).

but that still doesn't explain the nausea, which i still have right now. i think it was the shot. usually the epo has reactions within 3 days, but this shot's formula is slower acting...so the side effects are showing up now...2 weeks later. SIGH. it is not comfortable. but at least this time around i get 2 months break, before i have to go back to the clinic again! YAY! thanks for all the prayers! hopefully this will be a good 2 months (as soon as this nausea goes away...).

i think the weather lately has been terrible. i don't like hot and muggy...i don't see how i survived so many years of north carolina weather - heh. i suppose i wouldn't mind it so much if i liked wearing little clothing or what not, but i'm not too into that either - i'm a big fan of layer and knits - so i suppose chicago was a good choice for me.

i did, however, enjoy the rain, very much.

in between all of those discomforting days, i had a good week (or so). my good friend, cindy wei, came over to my house to stay for a few days. we went to see despicable me at the theaters (matinee of course, when no one was there...thought actually - surprisingly - there were a lot of people there on a sunday afternoon PEOPLE GO TO CHURCH!!!...i still can't - irony again). we watched a lot of HOUSE md, and other random, useless things.

you know what i've discovered...you know how we're told to read the Bible everyday, and sometimes you just don't feel like it (or rather, i'll speak for myself, i don't feel like it) or i feel like "oh i'm too busy now, i'll do it later". but recently i've been feeling none of those excuse, but one of another genre. the one that goes "what new thing can i get out of the bible anyways, i've read it so many times" and "what if what i read today doesn't even really apply to my life" (i asked that a lot while reading through jeremiah...and am now stuck in lamentations...) but yesterday night i had a revelation, while watching House (which I do almost religiously now). i realized why, so many years ago, i gave up watching horror movies - it was because a youth group leader (i forgot her name) told me once that whatever you take in is whatever you put out. whether that's food, what what you watch or what you read, or the people that you hang out with. well, last night, as i was watching house, i realized that i've made HOUSE my bible almost, i listen to his words, what he says and does, and praise him for his actions in the show more than i read God's words, listen to what He says, studies what He did in the past and is doing in the present, and praise God for who He is. So it's like people saying "i've made money my God/idol" or whatever, I've been substituting other things for God - not on purpose of course. But just the sheer frequency and amount of time i spend with Dr. Gregory House, as opposed to reading the Bible and speading time with God. I think, even if I don't get anything out of it IMMEDIATELY, it will still have an effect, just like all the other things i am putting into my head will.

anyways, having said that i still need help getting through lamentations and a few of the other prophets, haha. working on it though!

well i suppose i'll update later. have a good HOT HOT day!
<3

sugar and spice, and all things nice

that does well to describe how my birthday weekend went. i was flattered with the presence of two groups of friends, one on friday night (my actual birthday) and one on saturday night. and endowed with many gifts including Life, the game of (though of course it is a good remind of another year of life...itself) bubble gum machine, cake (the carrot variety as well as the chocolate, and i want more cake!!) make up, yay it always makes me happy to be able to paint my face, and lots and lots of balloons. tehe almost like in UP. but not enough to lift heavy (or not so) little me up skyward.

anyhows it was a good birthday. thank you all who made it ever so special and to my wonderful parents and my overly excited brother who, i think, was mostly excited about getting cake. haha. and for playing taboo with me :D because i like playing games.

um. reminds me of my card playing days back in high school....

anyways. i got my cathater pulled out of my chest the other day, reduced the number of pills so i only have to take 3 instead of the assortment that would make even a grandmother in a retirement home proud, or queasy. um. all in all God has provided faithfully and beyond imagination, and has made becoming 20 a very good thing. i suppose turning 19 was not too bad either, but it was in a hospital...

anyways yesterday i developed a sore throat...umm... hope it's not what a sore throat usually means. ugh. having a good time playing monopoly with my brother and father, who insists on not buying property and losing very badly... oh well. this is why he's not in business - haha! joking.

nothing much to this update really. just thanks for all the friends who came, to my parents for putting up with me, and for the friends in chicago who sent me love and for not forgetting me (even though i've been gone for quite a long time) and for all the people still praying for me!
<3

it's july already?

goodness, time goes by fast, does it not?
though i didn't feel that time went by so quickly when i was in school. i'd always be looking at the next deadline, and always wasting time, then rushing at the end to make it in time...what a funny thing, time is. we either always have too much or not enough.

well anyways, since the last post, my CMV virus (i think that's redundant...) is negative, which means it no longer poses as a threat, praise God! there are many things to praise God for this month. It's my birthday soon! It's the 4th of july, which is like a huge holiday (with lots of yummy foods i cant eat...haha)...i recently received a HUGE financial aid for my duke health bill, no more stress over money!! it's been a whole year since i've been diagnosed and i'm still alive, amazingly (considering how i treated myself when i first got sick, i'm surprised i didn't die, again...thank the Lord), and recovering! um i have T-cells again...which is a good thing i assure you. And there are much much more to praise God for, so i'll end my list here.
oh and i get a week off from going to clinic, thank goodness. though i've gotten pretty chummy with the nurses there. is that the right word?

anyways i think, as i am about to leave my teens forever, and become 20 in a few days, i have learned quite a lot this past year. one thing is the lesson of waiting, which produces hope patience faith, and whoa! it was a hard lesson. i'm still not really getting the hang of it. i know a lot of people are reading my blog and thinking that all i do is eat cookies and pizza everyday - and that is the complete opposite, but i blog about it, because it's a big deal in my life. i've used food as goal points - haha. like before i couldnt have any solid food, it was to have chicken noodles, and then after that (when i was only eating noodles and soup, gah that got so overused) my goal was rice and stirfried stuff, then PIZZA, and cookies and ice cream, now it's umm (haha) FRENCH FRIES. yummy.
but the point is, my dad told me that perhaps God took away my favorite thing to do (which is to eat), to teach me self discipline, control, and how to wait. i think this is very true. i was reading about abraham this morning, and seriously how long did HE have to wait for God's covanent? i mean he just packed up everything and moved but didnt really get to see it all happen (and not even completely) til the end of his life. but man, if anyone has immortality in the worldly sense (does that make sense?) it's abraham. there are mulitple nations that call him their ancestors, and he's known as the father of all of us christians, through faith...i suppose waiting can't be a terrible thing - haha. though i dont want to be a father of a nation...

and of course all my food goals are junk food because the healthy foods, i still cant have!! like corn (which will be my goal for next year july) and i REALLY want a salad. but gosh these raw things have germs.

anyways. waiting. i think that's what i'll be doing a lot during my 20th year of life. as well as this past year. well at least waiting before i can go back to school. but i think, like abraham, i will fill my waiting years with meaningful growth and "stuff"...for the lack of a better word.

anyways, thanks for reading! leave me comments if you like to :) i enjoy reading them.
<3

quick update

hey peoples who have time to read this
how do you do.

since the last update, i got a virus, named CMV (don't know how to spell whatever it stands for...you can always look it up). i'm sure if you read my dad's calender, you will already know this. anyways, so i have been going to the clinic everyday for my antiviral meds and therefore have not had time to update the blog (though i always find a reason not to update, besides the obvious - that i'm lazy).

the foscarnet (the med for CMV) has given me funny side effects, like fuzzy vision, and numb face, and arms and legs. not exactly very fun. then i got a fever like last week monday? well it was during memorial day, and i had to go to the hospital at 5 am. then i got a bunch of antibiotics and had that going for a week. not that fun either. but now i don't have to go to clinic every day (yay!) since i'm getting the foscarnet iv at home, on a little pump.

also i've been doing much better, and have eaten PIZZA FINALLY!!!! and lasagna the other night. and lots of chocolate chip cookies...though my stomach has started to hurt again (opps... still don't know the exact reason) so my mom is not allowing me to eat cookies anymore :(

but i have faith that i will get better and better! God won't let me down. yay! generally speaking, i've been more happy than i have been when i could eat anything i wanted and could do anything i wanted during school last year. it's funny how ironic that is. hope you all learn that without having to have cancer.

i've also been very sad lately thinking about all the unfortunate families that have to experience death with cancer. my prayers are with them, though i cannot show another other ways of my concern.

well that is all for now! i can't believe i'm not blabbing on...

summmerrrr is almost here!

which actually means very little to me, since it's not like i work, or go to school right now, so really it's summer 24-7 for me :D good times.

in fact, it has been a very good time for me. i don't think anyone would say they want cancer, but i think this has been a blessed time. even though i've mentioned this months before, the feeling is always renewed, and i feel very blessed to be with my family, to spend time with my parents and brother that i didn't have before. my brother insists that i look like a monk, since i wonder around the house always wearing this new red plaid poncho i bought from forever21 for like 4 dollars, and of course because i'm bald, haha. i enjoy my brother's company. then i like taking walks in the neighborhood with my dad, and we talk about life because we're that concerned with such grand ideas - haha. and then i bicker and banter with my mom on our way to the clinic or hospital, and at home while we do some cleaning. lately we've been working our way through all the junk on our bookshelf. we came across my brother's pre-k "year book" thing, and they had quotes from all of the students. some of my brother's were "it's better to be late than a duck" (don't really know what that means...) and "my father knows my mother worries him" (said by a 4 year old, made me laugh really hard) and "too much of a good thing is helpless".

i think God gives wisdom to little kids just to humble us old ones, it's quite a pleasent and shocking thing to discover. my mother and i had a good laugh over some of the stuff we found. and we found a bunch of cards from friends and church members, which always reminds me of how much support we have through hard times. i was reading a devotional today about how God ordains 2 entities, the family and the church. it's good to know that both have been there for me through this time, and blessed to know that i have both, some people only have one, or none.

anyways, i've been doing much better lately. havent had any bloody anythings since my last post, and finding that faith really does take patience, and healing really does take a lot of faith. i think a lot of times, we as christians don't get anything done, or can't achieve the "great things" we see other spiritual giants do because we don't believe that God can do it. of course you're thinking "that's silly, OF COURSE God can do anything" but when it comes down to facing those waves and storm, it's hard to still hold onto it right? i've been listening to sermons on tape, and this pastor was talking about the way God does things - and how a lot of times things don't get accomplished because 1. we dont have the right mindset/heart 2. it's not that God doesn't want to do it, or that He doesn't want to use us, but we don't believe that the God who placed the stars in the sky can, say for example, heal a simple GI blood. after all what is my intestines to the galaxy? umm...what is man to God's glory.

so it's a good thing i learned this lesson, or perhaps i would have prevented my healing for even longer. but no more! and i am healed! just now on the road to recovery. so my weight is still a little below (or a lot?) what it should be, at 115 lbs for a 5'8''...I lost like 30lbs in this transplant process...goodness! but anyways God sustains, and i've been eating a great deal more than a pear! (hehe) i've also been grocery shopping a couple times now (masked and looking like a bandit, or even worse, a person with swine flu or SARS or something - yes people run away from me in public, how embarassing). but grocery shopping has been a good way to be introduced back into the world of people (even if they run away from the bald masked lady - or is it a man? i dont think they can tell until i open my mouth) soon (hopefully) i will be allowed to attend church! and have visitors! yay!

i am hopeful and ever faithful in my never changing, ever loving God. you should too :)

until next time, cheerios (honey nut)!
<3

i just ate a pear

so who cares right?
well, i'm very happy about it, because it's the first pear i've eaten since i can't remember when (not counting the canned fruit that i've had). fresh, juicy pear, so good! thank the Lord i can eat fresh pear now, sounds silly, but it's a step forward...

anyways, i have good news to report! so i was talking about faith in my last post (well, it seems i've been talking about faith a lot, because i'm finding that i don't have as much as i thought i had or would like to have), and how much power God gives us through Jesus in prayer. so for the longest time i had been praying that God would heal those little oozing, bleeding before the end of april, and as i saw the days of april pass, and i still black stool (yes, we're back to poo), i was loosing faith, but like i said, reading John encouraged me again, and i told myself "have faith Sarah, God is faithful, and true to His word" so i prayed and tried my hardest to believe (which is hard for me, because i'm such an evidence person, like Thomas, if i see it i can believe it, but to walk by faith and not by sight is hard). so yesterday and today i've had NORMAL POOP, in case you want a description (haha) that means it's nice and brown/yellowish, aka not black (black stool is a sign of bleeding). YAY! if this continues (which it will, because God is the ultimate Healer), and my GI bleeding completely stops i can start eating real food! (like a pear)

anyways PRAISE THE LORD, like always :)

i've also been getting more and more days off from going to clinic, technically. some of the iv stuff that i'm taking, if i have good digestion, i'll be taking them in pill form soon. i hate pills, but anyways, i'm on the road to being completely healed! praise the Lord!

i'm going to try to update more often these days, or at least when i'm feeling well. til next time, ciao!
<3

i almost saw the pearly gates...

or so i was told, by my mom and the nurses at the clinic and the doctors...clearly i was near death. Actually my mom says i almost died TWICE, which is probably true.

but first, hello again people who actually read this blog. thanks for reading, and for caring, and for praying. with all these prayers i would not have made it, i know this for sure. and i haven't really kept in contact with people in the world, maybe because i feel a longing for the world at the same time i feel contempt for it. i want to be in it, but i'm annoyed that it goes on happily without me. i'm still such a bitter person. but i'm learning to let that go, after all this is an opportunity that God has given me, for what i do not really know yet, since i'm STILL BLEEDING!!!

okay, so some of you may read my dad's calender updates, so you already know, but i suppose most of you don't? unless i told you. first lets get the difference between clinic and the hospital clear, since it isn't for some (like me, i wouldn't really have known either unless i went through all this). sometimes i'm at the hospital, which means the main building, where it's inpatient, which means you sleep there and eat there and live there, while the docs poke at you. clinic is where you go see the doctor but you have to make an appointment and stuff, it's outpatient. anyways, i think most of you know that, i'm just making sure. so at clinic i get iv supplements and stuff, like potassium and magnesium, blood, platelets, stuff like that. Since the last post i had an interesting/dangerous/deadly encounter with GI bleeding. GI being my gastric intestinal whatever. what does it actually stand for i don't know...but let me update:

i was at clinic and i needed to poo, so i was about to get up to go to the bathroom, when my tummy started hurting REALLY BADLY. and for the longest time too. i always get tummy pains, i still do occasionally (in which i take some deloted --spelling?-- type of morphine, stronger than the old morphine pills i was taking, because those didn't work), but that one time was really intense. but anyways i had to poo (as my friends would laugh and say, i always say i need to poo...)so i went, and relieved myself, except at the end little chunks of blood was coming out. i got back to my seat (in the clinic you get to sit in these reclining chairs, or if your lucky, you get a room and a bed) then suddenly ALL THIS BLOOD STARTED COMING OUT. (if you get grossed out easily, please skip to the next section) i mean it was a lot, it came out in clots like sausage links. at first i thought i had pooped my guts out, i was freaked out, and then i started blacking out (since i suppose you do when you lose a lot of blood all at once), and all these people gathered around me and a group of extra doctors where gathered in the corner whispering about how they didn't think i'd make it (aka = she's going to die). so they called 911, ordered 3 bags of blood and platelets and started squeezing fluid into me IV (because my condition got so bad, they couldn't get a blood pressure out of me). anyways...they got me to the er, gave me blood send me to radiology and did an operation on me where they put this metal coil in my blood vessel (the bleeding one) to stop the bleeding, and all this happened within 3 hours.

it's weird, because the whole time i had no idea how dangerous the situation was. all i knew was that a bunch of blood was coming out into my pants, and they were poking me here and there with needles trying to get another iv in, and my mom was crying walking next to me while they wheeled me around in the er bed, then the hospital's portable beds, kept saying "Sarah?...Sarah!" i was of course just grunting in reply when i could, but sometimes i had no strength to reply back, then she'd freak out even more, and i, still conscious (though i think the people around me thought i blacked out) was wondering why she was so freaked out. it all went by as if a dream, but really it was a miracle. had i not been at clinic when i was pooping, and was at home, i would have never made to the er in time. then if i made it to the er, had i not been at clinic where the nurses made orders for blood and platelets (you have to order them from the bank, and they have to like prepare them and send them...takes time), i would not have had the blood to replace my lost blood and hold me alive momentarily (my hemoglobin count dropped from 11 to 5...if you don't know what that means, just know that's A LOT of lost blood). everything worked out to the detail, and God's hand in this whole event is plain and clear, i think. it's truely a miracle. and i know it, because my parents were praying the whole time, and i think my dad called like a bunch of church members the moment he found out to help pray. (thank you aunties and uncles!)

anyways after that whole traumatizing event i spent 2 days in the intensive care unit at duke, then got transferred to the transplant unit (where i received my cords like five months ago). then i was released, but i got put back to the hospital again a week or so after for "observation". they did a ct on my small bowel and found more bleeding spots, though it wasn't outright bleeding, just "oozing", they are all potentials for another major bleed like the one i just described, which is life threatening. and the docs said if that happens again, they might have to do surgery and remove a part of my small bowels, which will damage me the rest of my life.

soooooo...sounds scary. i think actually i went through a lot of scary things, which really knowing the intensity until afterwards. i'm kind of glad i don't -- haha. there is some truth in "ignorance is bliss". wonder why eve ever wanted to eat that apple...

but i trust the Lord will heal me, He is the ultimate Healer after all, and as my Aba Father, I do not believe He will let me go into such a condition. I keep praying for Him to heal all my bleeding spots, but i'm finding myself very impatient. impatience is a signature character trait of mine, perhaps God wants me to learn: i read the other day, in the bible it says "faith produces patience and patience...etc, etc" (forgot where in the bible, i should start memorizing some things) i'm finding the truth in that statement, believe me. i believe that God can heal me completely, wholly, but WHY IS IT NOT NOW???? it makes me so frustrated sometimes, but then i remember that is not faith. who knew faith is so hard. not only do you need faith to be healed (look at the people healed by Jesus, they all believed before they even asked Him, and He always said "by FAITH you/your servant/your child/whomever is healed"), you also must "live by faith and not by sight". okay so that's hard enough, but i think "faith produces patience" also insinuates that faith needs patience. they go hand in hand. faith is hard, it's so not as easy as i had though in my younger years (now i sound like an old lady). but i have faith God will heal us. i have been quite encouraged lately after reading through John, and Jesus's promise to us that if we love Him and obey His command ("love each other")we can as the Father for anything and He will give it to us. WHAT KIND OF POWER IS THAT???? holy cow. (cows are not holy, i do not believe, i tend to eat them when i can...just an expression okay people)

but i mean God gives us a lot of power, after we're redeemed through Jesus, it's crazy. I've just been discovering this, it's encouraging, now i can pray knowing, perhaps it makes my faith a bit stronger. knowing God will answer, knowing it because Jesus's blood has cleansed me, because He's in the Father and i am in Him through the holy adoption. it also makes me appreciate Jesus dying and rising from the cross all over again.

but i have to admit i'm not always joyful and happy and thankful, i'm always home throwing fits and making my family's life miserable (to which i feel very bad afterwards, and very guilty, i spent like an hour crying yesterday night). so i've been throwing fits (this is not an excuse of course) because, like i stated, i'm still bleeding inside, and you can tell by your poo (yes we're back to excrement)if it's black or bloody red...then it has blood in it. if it's like brown or something, then congratulations!, you're normal, which you probably are. but i'm not, i'm apparently very messed up in my bowels, my guts, my GI tract, whichever you wish. and since the last big bleed/miracle, my parents have restricted my diet down to soupy noodles or soupy rice. i mean it's not bad, but it becomes bad when you can't eat anything else (oh i can have apples and bananas) and you eat the same thing 3 times a day, everyday with no sign of stopping. it's very discouraging and very disgusting, but according to the surgeon fiber will irritate my bowels (so no veggies), and hard foods my parents think will cause more bleeding...or whatever, and then i cant have heavily seasoned food, or acidy food or spicey food...basically nothing. AND I LOVE EATING SO THIS IS TORTURE. so its that (soupy pig food, as i call it) and ensure or boost, supplement drinks.

so you see, i have a complaining and bitter heart, over FOOD, which is silly i know. but it's really hard for me. anyways, praying that i have more faith, hope that sharing some of my feelings won't trip any of you in your walk with God.

but anyways PRAISE THE LORD ALWAYS. just because it's beautiful outside, and today i found that i'm glad i have my eyes. lately they've been feeling funny (chemo and radiation can affect them) but still working. and i know some people would love to be able to see the beautiful spring outside. i think to myself, God is the greatest Artist of all. i think that's why a lot of people want to be artists.

well until next time!
<3

hello, i'm here! surprised?

It's March! Almost spring time, and I love spring!...Actually to tell the truth I like all the seasons :)

Anyways so update time! The physical/medical side first I guess then we'll delve into my thinkings (which, I know, doesn't make sense to some of you at all). So basically, let's recap. I've been sent back to the hospital after about a month of outpatient clinic, for massive bleeding. That was Feb 13, 2010. WOW. Another long stay at the hospital uh? I'm trying to the make the best of it, since in the last blog I bascially already told you about my massive bleeding, and how i'm basically a guinea pig and they tried like 5903420984039 different tests on me, and could not find the bleeding spot. One of the bone marrow doctors told me "sarah you are the mystery" which make me laugh inwardly (i prob looked unhappy on the outside...lol) because when i started this whole treatment i said to God "Lord lets give these doctors a show, and we're going to make it so that they are rendered completely unworthy when compared to Your Sovereign Healing, lets make it a mystery for them, and then show that only God can Heal with just a word, or a thought."

okay so my faith was a little stronger then, thought I really don't know what i was thinking, because i really am a mystery now, and none of the like 30 doctors i've seen can figure out where i'm bleeding (which means they can stop it...). siiiigh. i should becareful what i ask for eh? but i guess its also party of learning to walk by faith. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS??? because we're like evidence people, we see, we believe. but to SEE, really see?? AAAAAAH. then i start doubt myself, like well is that me seeing it and just having foolish hope? or is that really from God. Well anyways lately i've been very moody (poor father and mother who has to be with me everyday....) watching a lot of werido movies, and some reruns, trying to distract myself, thought the littlest things set me off. like if my parents stay in my room for like more than 7 hours i start freakingout and having spazz attacks. like i LOVE my parents, and they're going through so much stress and complications and financial problems and stuff like that, but i'm still a very seflish brat, and i through my frustrations on them. but i found that i do better alone in my room for most of the day, so when my parents say for longer than like 7 hours, i start freaking out and becoming possessed-like. it's a very strange phenomenon. but i donno.

so the other day they made me swallow this monstrous pill, except that it was a blinking camera, and it was supposed to take pictures as it traveled through my guts, while i wore this bulking werido machines with sticker sensors taped all over my torso, so they can collect pictures so see where i am bleeding. this is like the last resort almost. it was soooooooo uncomfortable to say the least, but at least they didnt make me drink a gallon of diaherra inducing crap. cheers! sigh. so the camera is still in my body, it's been 2 days....hopefully i can poo it out soon. how weird is it to have a camera in your guts floating around?

but yeah so, moving onto my more spiritual/mental state. which is probably not as healthy either. my mom said i need to stop complaining about things and just move forward. i think she's right, of course it didnt make me happy to hear it, but i know i complain a lot, i do so, even when i wasnt sick (but trust me, i will not be so picky/complaining after all this is done! heh) anyways so my father and i (daddy's idea, he is our family's giant spirital leader)will be fasting for 2 days, i hope i wont pass out or something, since i'm already kinda weak...but FAITH. i think just being here, 1. for the 2nd time, 2. since feb 13 (it's been long long weeks of bleeding) 3.the doctors actually telling me i'm a mystery and they cant figure me out is very disheartening. so my dad says we shall fast for 2 days and plead with the Lord. I honestly am a little scared, because when i was healthy i did 30hr famine for church and it well, but right now i havent had anything by watery food, for weeks, i'm asking God for major strength to go through this. But mainly i just want to be healed completely (which i feel like God has already promised me....but the TIMING!!! timing...sigh)

also, all my experiences, at first i wanted to hide, but realized God is using this for testimony to other people. recently (i wont reveal actual name) a really good friend that i value a lot joined bible study!!! made me very emotional/happy/crying. being used by God, maybe make this worthwhile.

i realized when i get better i want to be an agent of God that can just bring joy and God's love to people, because i've realized how much life is a gift, and i have to get through the disease. acts 20:24 however, i consider my life worth nothing to me, if only i may finish the race and complete the task the lord Jesus has given me-the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.
i think that takes so much faith to say and actually do, at least for me, because i tend to focuz on the physical a lot, and walking by faith is really hard. perhaps i'm just too weak, but when i'm in pain, its so hard to focuz on God and His Grace, soemtimes i cry out to him and ask him WHYYYYY ARE YOU NOT THERE, WHY IS YOUR TIMING SO SLOW, WHY HAVE YOU ABANDONED ME??? but in my mind i know He would never, but my soul was in so much anguish. but i think when i heard that my friend was joining bible study, i cried for like 10 minutes straight out of joy, because she said she was inspired by my situation, and all i did was sit and complain. God is merciful eh? He still allowed me witness andtake part of bring glory to His kingdom even though i did nothing but sit around groaning.

i'm discovering, or rather rediscovering the power prayer with faith!!! the healing of my bleeding, lots of bleeding after scan, but then after that no more bloody stool, feb 25, thurs, had brown stool (little blood clot) but God is faithful, it's not bloody!!! power of prayer with faith. i think those 2 days where a while ago (because...as if right now i still am bleeding quite a lot), but like i remember just praying, in precious Jesus's name and God had given me peace. but see then the blood came back, and i was soooo disappointed. why Lord, would you do this? is this walking by faith, knowing you have healed me, but what i see is the contrary?

Anyways, still trying to learn to walk with faith, because doubt is so easy to just slip in, like a "what if it's not that, because i cant see it" but i have to remember 2cor5:7 because i think there is no healing if there is no faith. matthew 9:20-22: just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak. she said to herself, "if i only touch his cloak, i can be healed." esus turned and saw her. "take heart, daughter," he said, "your FAITH HAS HEALED YOU." and the woman was healed from that moment. faith has such a huge part in healing, and i have so little of it. i can't believe i was so conceited and thought i had the faith to move mountains, when i can even pull myself out of this heart of darkness really. but i guess then this is all a very slow learning process.

i found this song that is very appropriate to what i'm learning right now:
In His Time
A:IN HIS TIME, IN HIS TIME
HE MAKES ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL IN HIS TIME
LORD, PLEASE SHOW ME EVERYDAY
AS YOU'RE TEACHING ME YOUR WAY
AND I'LL DO JUST WHAT YOU SAY
IN YOUR TIME.

B:IN YOUR TIME, IN YOUR TIME
YOU MAKE ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL IN YOUR TIME
LORD, MY LIFE TO YOU I BRING
MAY EACH SONG I HAVE TO SING
BE TO YOU A LOVELY THING
IN YOUR TIME

BE TO YOU A LOVELY THING
IN YOUR TIME.

(below is a earlier addition to this blog, so it goes kinda backwards...if you can follow that)
i found two verses that's somewhat relevant and much needed for me right now: its 6am feb 27 sat and i cant sleep because i just had 8 bloody stools (small ones granted, not TOO fresh) but when i see that i see a major step backwards. thought God promised to cure me of my bleeding a 2 days ago, so i got scared. still trying to learn the live by faith, and not by sight, thought sight is overwhelming and such a good foothold for Satan, doubt and fear, which is what is happening. but then i ask for a sigh, 125lbs or higher, usually, i'm not that hight. but 125.4. God is good, my faith is weak, and i need MAJOR help in that area. wonder how abraham had enough faith to actually go and try to kill his only son... woooow.
but if i can focus on the fact that my life is a testimony to a friend who just started bible study, that is good enough.

found another verse: 2corth4:16-18. what our human eyes cannot see. focus focus! to have a relationship with God is sometimes really hard it requires a lot of God helping us. ironic

so onward i go with 2 days of fasting and hopefully lots of prayer and HEALING. and hopefully God will give me the physical strength to do it right now when i'm already very weak. but FAITH is what we walk by.

oh funny story. i was somewhat coordinated (by that i mean clothes) and i had put in earrings now, because it takes away some of my boredom in the hospital. and the nurses were like "oh look at youuu, dont you look stylish" and some lady was like "yeah i was vacationing in italy, and people there dress like, thats very fashionable". hahahha while i was like dragging my feet trying to walk in the halls. all 125lbs of non muscle. :D

anyways this has been long enough and it's time to take my ambien and sleep somewhat. i also decided to keep a personal journal so that i can write down what i'm thankful for that day, and how i can praise God for that day. i think it'll help me with my mini depression, and also write down my fustrations and counter them with more reasonable thoughts. writing is a good reliever.

well adieu, and thankyou all for reading my blog so faithfully, even though i'm just one insignificant patient out of many many that i see everyday. thank you all for praying for me! and thank you for donating money, every cent will hopefully turn and bless you as well. it's midnight. better go to sleep. i miss seeing people's faces. one day!
love,sarah

this is long due, eh? hello again world!

hello everyone! hopefully this more organized and conclusive.

okay I dont know how much i updated last time, or what i said (i probably said a lot of "i dont know whats going on, etc"), so I'll just update. Basically when i got the hospital from transplant, i was required to go to transplant clinic everyday. but at the apartment that i rented i still experienced a lot pain, from my polyoma (spelling not relevant okay!)pee-pee virus, and random belly pains. mornings were always the worst, so many pills to take with my breakfast. and lunch. and dinner. i think all random pain that i was experiencing after leaving the hospital was unexpected, i thought that when i left the hospital it would be like a miracle healing, like poof, i'm better! but i guess it didnt go as i expected, and so i became anxious and scared, scared of having pain randomly that can't be stopped, i was scared that i was improving, etc. and i think everything, all the different changes caused a lot of stress, and i dont handle stress and pain very well. i think at that time Satan was seriously attacking my mind, trying to convince me that God had abandoned me, that's how i felt. actually to tell the truth i feel like sometimes still, but i know in my heart and mind He is always faithful.

i realized that i really needed the fruits of the spirit, i needed the Peace, the Joy, the Patience, etc. I needed to learn to find comfort in God, because Jesus has victory over death and all of this right? i mean He's gone through everything, He knows. but for me, when i'm in pain, i completely lose it. so i tried to be more God minded, to find things to praise God. i needed to get out of my spiritual depression, which at that point, i still haven't really. i think it was just too much random pain, and too many pills.

sooo, a lot physical change and uncomfortable. but i realized during that time how selfish i've become and uncaring, and i withdrew from people (and this blog...as you see...). i also began treating my parents awfully, like i took advantage of their love for me to throw temper tantrums and being a brat over all. i think i add a lot of stress to my parents, and overall my family. sometimes i'm even mean to my brother, it was just bad. i think this whole experience is much much more than just the physical. i'm thinking jeremiah when he went to see the potter. i'm the clay, the clay is not comfortable, the clay is losing its spirit.

but anyways i'm determined know to not allow a foothold for satan to mess up anything. i remember reading a verse, 2 Corinthians 5:7 we walk by faith and not by sight. and that struck me a lot, because up to then i had been paying so much attention on my pain, and all the symptoms (still have that GVHD and peepee virus!), but yeah i've been so focused on that mere human eyes can see. but walking by faith is really, really hard.

especially for me right now, because well, here is the LATEST update.

so one day at clinic they realized that my red blood cells went from 8.6 to 5.8 which is a HUUUUUUUUUUUGE drop. this huge drop in rbc's means that there is massive bleeding somewhere in my body. so that fateful day at clinic, i got transported back to the hospital, and that was feb 13. and i've been here since. the first 5 days they did not allow me to eat anything, and they did not give me any iv nutrition, so i became bedridden, and all skin and bones. 120lbs for my height? that's crazy. then they made me do like 5 different tests, like sticking stuff up my colon, down my throat, making me drink a gallon of prep stuff which made me bleed more. anyways for 5 days i ate nothing, besides drinnk these nasty preps that gave me more diarrhea, but they never found where my bleeding spot(s). and now i'm on iv nutrition, but still bleeding. i get so many blood and platelet transfusions these days. the first few days, during those tests, i was so stressed so focused on the pain, i began having these spazz attacks again. it's kinda like being possessed by some kind of spirit, my arms would flail and my legs were jerk and my whole body would twist and....well bascially i looked possessed, and i couldnt speak english, and they would have to give me calming medicine. and i withdrew again from the outside world, and putting myself in misery.

but lately i'm been trying a new method. DISTRACTION. haha i have a rough draft of a small business that i want to start, and i've been trying to budget a little bit of money to plan my brothers first birthday party, and do soemthing special for all my family, because i konw i'm going through a lot, but i think them watching me, is going through a lot too. so my little business (which totally just popped in my head, i think as a gift from God) will hopefully start up after i get better. and i've been painting wooden boxes here and watching a bunch of crappy (some good) movies to keep preoccupied and the spasms and possessed weirdoness has def decreased. i praise the Lord that He is pulling me out of the spiritual low, and for the great support and care i'm getting from my parents who are probably all so stressed.

which brings me to the last point. it's been really stressful for my dad and mom, because they have to work and be with me, and be with aaron, but take time off to see me. and our financial situation is not looking good at all, so thank you all who have donated, whether in case or to the ntafund. but i donno. i'm scared for my parents health, and job and they're barely working, so we have like no money. i've been asking friends around to help me do fundraising, but anyways. God will provide.

Thank you all for reading my blog, though it may not make any sense to some of you, but thank you for your support, whether financially or through prayer, or through service (i'm hearing from my parents that lots of aunties and uncles have brought yummmy food over....too bad i cant eat any of it but it's so nice!)

we must all proceed with a thankful heart, praise the Lord! keeping myself distracted until God heals me. and you know i really wish i could touch the cloak of Jesus Christ, like that woman did so long ago, but then i remembered He left us the Holy Spirit.

Praise the Lord always! hopefully i'll update more recently since i'm trying to make an effort to getting better, no just physically but mentally, spiritally. finding peace at times like this, using faith at a time like this, this is where it becomes real.

i have neglected this for a long time...

wellllllll....so i've been out of the hospital for a couple of weeks now? i donno, i've lost track of time.
i'm sure some of you have been following my fathers more medical side of the situation.

i'm still a little scatterbrained by everything thats going on/what happened to me the past few weeks. so i moved into "north point" that's part of Oakwood contemporary housings. it's really nice, it's all furnished and has kitchen supplies (of course very different than chinese cooking stuff, and everytime we try to actually cook, the fire alarm would go off haha.) but yeah 2 bedroom, i took some pics maybe i'll post some pictures up later about my whole process.

but basically every morning i get up, eat breakfast and a whole cup of nasty pills that makes really nervous and unhappy and etc. and of course there is a cup of pills during lunch, and at night for dinner. way to ruin eating right? i donno i think i've developed some kind of psychological scared-ness from it. like i dread the morning, and i think all the pills that are supposed to make me "feel good" or w/e wears off then in the morning too, so mornings are the worst for me. i'm always a bit jittery, nervous, i donno, i work up literally SCARED. i think it's finally hit me how long it will take, and i think i've been kinda focusing on the very immediate things, and so i'm like totally freaking out. i think my spirit and faith is being really stretched. i've been having a lot belly/abdominal pain (and the doctors dont really know why, but they don't think its really part of the GVHD) and sometimes battling diarrhea which is sooooooo tiring, i think you can imagine.

i donno, mornings are scary for me, maybe i'm just losing it, i think i was def going through a little depression. i feel like i'm praying all the time for relief, but it just doesnt come... i guess i mean everyone goes through this process has to deal with this, but sometimes, just sometimes i feel like God has abandoned me, but i mean i KNOW he hasnt, just when i'm in immense pain, it's hard to look forward, or even look backward to see progress you know? so lately i've been keeping a journal of my progresses and what has been happening and hopefully every week i can look back and praise the Lord for being so good to me, because i know He is. it's just hard. i have a very very weak spirit right now, i need lots and lots of prayers to get out of this gloomy-ness because it's really not helping me recover.

anyways my urinary virus is getting better, i even noticed it, though sometimes i get intense tummy aches, sometimes because i'm hungry, but other times i donno...why it hurts. and i take SO many pills now, because i'm not in the hospital to do it by iv. and some of it hurts me when i take it down.

but i have to trust in God's timing right? i keep thinking back to joseph, and how when he was little he had dreams of his family bowing down to him and all that, but what did he go through? i mean he had to wait in jail for like years, because some guy forgot about him. but God's timing is perfect right, in like one day he went from working in jail to becoming 2nd in command in egypt. it's crazy. i dont really know what i'm talking about, besides that i thought that when i got out of the hospital, i would miraculous become better...i guess i was little disappointed. and then every day it's such a struggle for me between pain (even though they gave me morphine pills.... imean thats pretty intense. i dont take much...)

i guess disappointment is something i'm battling with, though really it's all in God's hand, and He had this planned from the beginning. and i do believe that He does all these things to prosper us and allow us to live a more fullfilling life, but sometimes its hard to remember.

i also almost found myself wishing i was back in the hospital at once, because they have iv meds, and it's so much less torture for me, but then i remember the jews when they were brought out of egypt they complained about everything, even though the Lord provided so much for them. so i'm trying to find things to praise God for everyday...

i dont really know what i'm saying now. i'm finding myself really scatterbrained. my parents are under a lot of stress too, please pray for them. i think it must be hard to watch your daughter scream and moan in pain.

anyways. also my dad had helped me set up an donation account with ntafund.org, so that if anyone can or is willing to donate money they can do it right through there. it accepts credit card, so i guess that's a benefit and you can tax reductions. but i think they keep like 4% of it, but i donno, the money goes to my account under them, and they can help pay for medical bills and housing and co-payments and extra. please spread the word if you can :)
Thank you all who have already supported us! especially through prayers and all the love and food and care!!!!

last post i thought i had posted a website that andy showed me on fb about not wasting cancer, but i'm not seeing it... so i'll post it again. i think everyone should read it.
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TasteAndSee/ByDate/2006/1776_Dont_Waste_Your_Cancer/

i think some of the points on there, God has been slowly teaching me through this .... VERY SLOW ...process.

anyways. God gives me strength. that's what i've been repeating myself while trying "relaxation exercises". haha.

this blog has made no sense. at all. i've kind of lost touch with people, so i just want to appologize, and hopefully, soon i will ease myself back into reality and be more "normal" or whatever that means. :)
love you all, thank you for your support and for reading this really weird blog.

PRISON BREAK!!!! day +41

haha isn't that a show? prison break? whatever. i feel like i can finally get out of this mental asylum place. so in the past 3 days or so, i was having like serious mental/physiological breakdowns. it started a few nights ago, i just started liked crying and then bawling and then my whole body started jittering and shaking violently, and i couldnt make myself either, and i think people thought i was possessed or something. they gave me some tranquilizers haha to calm me down, but then the next morning it came again, i seriously was like one of those people who were like possessed by a demon like on a scary money or something. scared the crap out of me, and my mom got all freaked out and started yelling at me, which freaked me out even more, and i was in the room creating quite the chaos. i think people outside in the halls were like WHAT IN THE WORLD? so a bunch of nurses rushed in and tried to calm me down and stuff.
lol seriously being in here has some HUGE mental strain. but yup so then 2 days ago, they were like okay maybe you should take the wheel chair, put on a mask and go downstairs for some fresh air, which i did. and PRAISE THE LORD FOR FRESH AIR AND NATURE. i only sat in this empty courtyard for like max of 15 minutes, wrapped in blankets in a wheelchair, looking like a sick person....haha. when i was healthy, i would would pass people like that and never really give a second thought to what kinds of hell they are going through, but i think, i think i can comprehend just a little now.

but the fresh air was so nice on my face. its like being kissed by the wind, i heard birds chirping and my mom went to grab some eel sushi to eat while we were outside. and the smell of eel sushi (which i love and cannot eat now...) made me so happy. lol when i saw her chew i could imagine in my head chewing and savoring the taste. ahhhh. it was a good, blessed 15 minutes. then i had to go back to my room, but that made my day. so yesterday they let me out again for freshair, but when we went it was drizzling outside. oh well.

so health updates, basically my HHV6 virus is undercontrol, so my white blood cells are stable on its own now, without having to get those stimulating shots everyday! yay! but they are still giving me like 3 different kinds of immune suppressents (which I'll be on for months) so i still have no immune system. siiigh. and this polyoma (i dont know if that's spelled right) pee pee virus is creating a lot of internal burning and spasms, which they're giving me oral morphine to help now. haha looks like i'll be on pain medicine for a looong time, since this virus doesnt really go away that fast, and my immune system is still suppressed. but yeah so when i pee, blood comes out, and it HURTS. it's not AS bad as some people the nurses tell me, so praise God for that, but prayerfully it'll go away soon.

my GVHD i think is improving just so slightly. i've been able to eat like riceredbean porridge and like chicken broth with noodles and stuff like that. before i really wanted to rush things and just eat like a big ol hearty mean, but i think i'm learning.

learning is a lifetime process. and the stuff that's hard to learn isnt even like multivariable calc or whatever, but the fruits of the Spirit.

anyways. with my fingers and legs crossed, and my hope in God, they might let me out this afternoon! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. yes. i'll update later.

lets take a journey back in time, day +37

so much for letting me out tomorrow. i was so excited, but probably a little too eager to get out, rushed a bit too fast, and made my gut worse. so we all know about my lovely little GVHD, which if you don't know what is, google! or wiki or something. but apparently i have it bad. bad bad bad. i cant eat without pain shooting through me, but good thing is my white counts is stable, so the stem cells are in there for good, for good.

i think i was, and maybe still am a little, going through a bit of a depression, to be truthful. i was so low in my spirits, i read 90 minutes in heaven by don piper, and i know he went through so much more pain and crap than me, for such a longer period of time, and at first i didnt understand. but then i did, why he didn't want to live any more, he just wanted to go home, to heaven. i felt like that for a few days. why do i still live, God? i just want to be released from all of this torment, but i think i still have a reason to be here right? but i donno, i was just so low, this hospital really sucks the soul out of a person, and i dont think anyone can really imagine how so until they go through it. i cant even imagine it haha, and i'm going through it. i think it must be really really hard on my family too, they must be so stressed and unhappy to be here as well. pray for them!

but when i look back on this whole process, since i donno, june 2009? it's been long. i look at my friends, and they're all taking their gmats and pcats and mcats, and i feel the world passing over me, and i feel like i'd been taken out of time and i'm in this little zone where time is like flowing torwards a blackhole. gaaaaah. but even though i sit here and complain and cry out to the Lord, i can't help to be admit how amazing God is to me. I went through so much, He's been so faithful this whole time. like my induction chemo at uchicago, i knew nothing about leukemia, about transplant, about cancer, about sickness, and he brought me through so effortlessly, it felt like i was only gliding through the problem. like His hands where always cuffed around me, as He carried me through it all. so even though i was sick i was floating. then i got home from uchicago, and the pain hit, but he carried me through it. through all the little details, like how i almost missed my airplane and God delayed it just enough for me to get on a wheelchair and get on the plane. okay i think i mentioned this example before, but it's like the little things, that surprise you how well God takes care of His children. that's how faithful He is, and all the little steps i've taken to get here.

but anyways. i think it finally hit me how long this whole recovery process will be, it's SO slow. i have no patience. i want to get out to the world again, to be able to breath fresh air, and to go to restaurants and to play with my friends, and TO EAT HAPPILY. i think God is ironic, taking away my favorite thing in the world, eating. i pray for a quick recovery.

anyways. the other day i had no blood cells and i was feeling so dizzy and crappy, and my night nurse wouldnt accommodate and ran my magnesium super fast, making me feel so crappy. but after some blood transfusion, and they put me back on my iv pain killers, to help with all the cramping. sigh.

just wanting to eat a happy meal (no, not mcdonalds, though french fries sound so good)! praying and waiting for that day. and when i can get out of the hospital. and then slowly when i can be reintroduced to the world! trying to keep my spirits up! i made a deal with my GI tract. i said. i'll be good to you now, and you heal quickly, and let me eat all the good food i want. haha.

UPDATE!!! it's like 3:16 am and i'm suffering from insomnia, or at least from these steroids. yuck. haha. i just remembered that andy shared a good link with me about cancer, but i think it can affect non cancer patients who take life seriously...lol it's insightful and i think even before i read the article, God was slowly teaching these things to me. like knowing that our days our limited is a type of wisdom, and hurt and cancer is not wasted when God is in control. it's comforting to know, though it's still hard... here's the link:
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TasteAndSee/ByDate/2006/1776_Dont_Waste_Your_Cancer/

and i'm excited about that all you can eat buffet Auntie :D
i think i'm getting at little better with this GVHD, i think God will bring me out of it quickly. i was reading jeremiah a while a go, ...can't sleep. and even through all that wrath God was going ot pour out on Judah because of her unfaithfulness, He always left them with hope, with the return, with Him redeemning them. with Him saying 'i have plans to prosper you, not to harm you', so even through 70 years of exile, God still remembers, and still has the plan from the beginning of eternity for the good of us who believe. i believe that when this is all over, i will be a very very very blessed person. well i already am, but it's hard to feel it sometimes?

i feel kinda stupid and bratty for complaining about not being able to eat, because i know there are people, who are even pretty close to me, that are going through worse, and today i found myself saying "i dont care about other people pains anymore, i cant even handle my own" but OMG i cannot lose myself in that kind of thinking, because then my cancer, my whole experience will be wasted. and that would be a terrible waste of my 19th-20th year of life. tho of course i think it's still unfair i cant eat, i need to know 1. God is awesome 2. there are so many who need love, and I have enough that i horde and wont share.

there is this girl on the same unit, she popped in my room this evening to ask if she can chat with me, she's pretty young i guess, guetting a cord blood, but her parents live in va, so they cant be here like mine all the time to be with her. she must be so lonely. when she first came in i was all shocked cuz she just took off her mask and had like no 2nd thought to cross contamination or anything, and i was annoyed for a sec. but i think, maybe this is the once chance i have in the hospital to be able to bless the Lord with this opportunity, or have Him bless someone through me, so maybe I'll try to chat and talk to her tomorrow in the halls. she seems so lonely, i know it would suck if my parents didnt come everyday. i pray that i dont turn into a cold hearted mean spirited, depressed, selfish unloving person through all of this, ha. i mean the point of all of this is so that God can refine me like a potter to a clay right? it wouldnt make any sense for me to get worse...so i gotta get outta this "i only care about myself" stage/depression and i need to get out there for God! pray i can do this, and that He who gives all good things gives me strength.

but of course i'm still hoping to get out of here ASAP. oh my dad set up a donation account for anyone who can help out financially, or just spread the word would help alot. the website is ntafund.org and i think you search for my name "Xingyue He" (donno if there is a sarah in there, prob not) it's like a non profit that helps people collect fundraising for paying for medical bills and all this. you can get tax deductions i think that is why my dad was going for that, for other people who do donate, and you can use credit card and stuff. donno exactly how it works yet, but that's the website i think. please help spread the world!

but thank you all for those who already helped financially, like a lot ofpeople at my dad's work, and cbc and friends :) it means so, so, so, muuch. and all the prayers and food and support mean even more, this is how i am being sustained i do believe. i wouldnt have made it this far without other people helping me through. sometimes i cant even express how i feel to God besides in groaning and screaming and crying for no reason. but thank God for the Holy Spirit who can translate my nonesense to God in prayers!

well i guess i should try to sleep. hope everyone is enjoying life and praising the Lord always! :)