hey peoples who have time to read this
how do you do.
since the last update, i got a virus, named CMV (don't know how to spell whatever it stands for...you can always look it up). i'm sure if you read my dad's calender, you will already know this. anyways, so i have been going to the clinic everyday for my antiviral meds and therefore have not had time to update the blog (though i always find a reason not to update, besides the obvious - that i'm lazy).
the foscarnet (the med for CMV) has given me funny side effects, like fuzzy vision, and numb face, and arms and legs. not exactly very fun. then i got a fever like last week monday? well it was during memorial day, and i had to go to the hospital at 5 am. then i got a bunch of antibiotics and had that going for a week. not that fun either. but now i don't have to go to clinic every day (yay!) since i'm getting the foscarnet iv at home, on a little pump.
also i've been doing much better, and have eaten PIZZA FINALLY!!!! and lasagna the other night. and lots of chocolate chip cookies...though my stomach has started to hurt again (opps... still don't know the exact reason) so my mom is not allowing me to eat cookies anymore :(
but i have faith that i will get better and better! God won't let me down. yay! generally speaking, i've been more happy than i have been when i could eat anything i wanted and could do anything i wanted during school last year. it's funny how ironic that is. hope you all learn that without having to have cancer.
i've also been very sad lately thinking about all the unfortunate families that have to experience death with cancer. my prayers are with them, though i cannot show another other ways of my concern.
well that is all for now! i can't believe i'm not blabbing on...
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
summmerrrr is almost here!
which actually means very little to me, since it's not like i work, or go to school right now, so really it's summer 24-7 for me :D good times.
in fact, it has been a very good time for me. i don't think anyone would say they want cancer, but i think this has been a blessed time. even though i've mentioned this months before, the feeling is always renewed, and i feel very blessed to be with my family, to spend time with my parents and brother that i didn't have before. my brother insists that i look like a monk, since i wonder around the house always wearing this new red plaid poncho i bought from forever21 for like 4 dollars, and of course because i'm bald, haha. i enjoy my brother's company. then i like taking walks in the neighborhood with my dad, and we talk about life because we're that concerned with such grand ideas - haha. and then i bicker and banter with my mom on our way to the clinic or hospital, and at home while we do some cleaning. lately we've been working our way through all the junk on our bookshelf. we came across my brother's pre-k "year book" thing, and they had quotes from all of the students. some of my brother's were "it's better to be late than a duck" (don't really know what that means...) and "my father knows my mother worries him" (said by a 4 year old, made me laugh really hard) and "too much of a good thing is helpless".
i think God gives wisdom to little kids just to humble us old ones, it's quite a pleasent and shocking thing to discover. my mother and i had a good laugh over some of the stuff we found. and we found a bunch of cards from friends and church members, which always reminds me of how much support we have through hard times. i was reading a devotional today about how God ordains 2 entities, the family and the church. it's good to know that both have been there for me through this time, and blessed to know that i have both, some people only have one, or none.
anyways, i've been doing much better lately. havent had any bloody anythings since my last post, and finding that faith really does take patience, and healing really does take a lot of faith. i think a lot of times, we as christians don't get anything done, or can't achieve the "great things" we see other spiritual giants do because we don't believe that God can do it. of course you're thinking "that's silly, OF COURSE God can do anything" but when it comes down to facing those waves and storm, it's hard to still hold onto it right? i've been listening to sermons on tape, and this pastor was talking about the way God does things - and how a lot of times things don't get accomplished because 1. we dont have the right mindset/heart 2. it's not that God doesn't want to do it, or that He doesn't want to use us, but we don't believe that the God who placed the stars in the sky can, say for example, heal a simple GI blood. after all what is my intestines to the galaxy? umm...what is man to God's glory.
so it's a good thing i learned this lesson, or perhaps i would have prevented my healing for even longer. but no more! and i am healed! just now on the road to recovery. so my weight is still a little below (or a lot?) what it should be, at 115 lbs for a 5'8''...I lost like 30lbs in this transplant process...goodness! but anyways God sustains, and i've been eating a great deal more than a pear! (hehe) i've also been grocery shopping a couple times now (masked and looking like a bandit, or even worse, a person with swine flu or SARS or something - yes people run away from me in public, how embarassing). but grocery shopping has been a good way to be introduced back into the world of people (even if they run away from the bald masked lady - or is it a man? i dont think they can tell until i open my mouth) soon (hopefully) i will be allowed to attend church! and have visitors! yay!
i am hopeful and ever faithful in my never changing, ever loving God. you should too :)
until next time, cheerios (honey nut)!
<3
in fact, it has been a very good time for me. i don't think anyone would say they want cancer, but i think this has been a blessed time. even though i've mentioned this months before, the feeling is always renewed, and i feel very blessed to be with my family, to spend time with my parents and brother that i didn't have before. my brother insists that i look like a monk, since i wonder around the house always wearing this new red plaid poncho i bought from forever21 for like 4 dollars, and of course because i'm bald, haha. i enjoy my brother's company. then i like taking walks in the neighborhood with my dad, and we talk about life because we're that concerned with such grand ideas - haha. and then i bicker and banter with my mom on our way to the clinic or hospital, and at home while we do some cleaning. lately we've been working our way through all the junk on our bookshelf. we came across my brother's pre-k "year book" thing, and they had quotes from all of the students. some of my brother's were "it's better to be late than a duck" (don't really know what that means...) and "my father knows my mother worries him" (said by a 4 year old, made me laugh really hard) and "too much of a good thing is helpless".
i think God gives wisdom to little kids just to humble us old ones, it's quite a pleasent and shocking thing to discover. my mother and i had a good laugh over some of the stuff we found. and we found a bunch of cards from friends and church members, which always reminds me of how much support we have through hard times. i was reading a devotional today about how God ordains 2 entities, the family and the church. it's good to know that both have been there for me through this time, and blessed to know that i have both, some people only have one, or none.
anyways, i've been doing much better lately. havent had any bloody anythings since my last post, and finding that faith really does take patience, and healing really does take a lot of faith. i think a lot of times, we as christians don't get anything done, or can't achieve the "great things" we see other spiritual giants do because we don't believe that God can do it. of course you're thinking "that's silly, OF COURSE God can do anything" but when it comes down to facing those waves and storm, it's hard to still hold onto it right? i've been listening to sermons on tape, and this pastor was talking about the way God does things - and how a lot of times things don't get accomplished because 1. we dont have the right mindset/heart 2. it's not that God doesn't want to do it, or that He doesn't want to use us, but we don't believe that the God who placed the stars in the sky can, say for example, heal a simple GI blood. after all what is my intestines to the galaxy? umm...what is man to God's glory.
so it's a good thing i learned this lesson, or perhaps i would have prevented my healing for even longer. but no more! and i am healed! just now on the road to recovery. so my weight is still a little below (or a lot?) what it should be, at 115 lbs for a 5'8''...I lost like 30lbs in this transplant process...goodness! but anyways God sustains, and i've been eating a great deal more than a pear! (hehe) i've also been grocery shopping a couple times now (masked and looking like a bandit, or even worse, a person with swine flu or SARS or something - yes people run away from me in public, how embarassing). but grocery shopping has been a good way to be introduced back into the world of people (even if they run away from the bald masked lady - or is it a man? i dont think they can tell until i open my mouth) soon (hopefully) i will be allowed to attend church! and have visitors! yay!
i am hopeful and ever faithful in my never changing, ever loving God. you should too :)
until next time, cheerios (honey nut)!
<3
Thursday, April 29, 2010
i just ate a pear
so who cares right?
well, i'm very happy about it, because it's the first pear i've eaten since i can't remember when (not counting the canned fruit that i've had). fresh, juicy pear, so good! thank the Lord i can eat fresh pear now, sounds silly, but it's a step forward...
anyways, i have good news to report! so i was talking about faith in my last post (well, it seems i've been talking about faith a lot, because i'm finding that i don't have as much as i thought i had or would like to have), and how much power God gives us through Jesus in prayer. so for the longest time i had been praying that God would heal those little oozing, bleeding before the end of april, and as i saw the days of april pass, and i still black stool (yes, we're back to poo), i was loosing faith, but like i said, reading John encouraged me again, and i told myself "have faith Sarah, God is faithful, and true to His word" so i prayed and tried my hardest to believe (which is hard for me, because i'm such an evidence person, like Thomas, if i see it i can believe it, but to walk by faith and not by sight is hard). so yesterday and today i've had NORMAL POOP, in case you want a description (haha) that means it's nice and brown/yellowish, aka not black (black stool is a sign of bleeding). YAY! if this continues (which it will, because God is the ultimate Healer), and my GI bleeding completely stops i can start eating real food! (like a pear)
anyways PRAISE THE LORD, like always :)
i've also been getting more and more days off from going to clinic, technically. some of the iv stuff that i'm taking, if i have good digestion, i'll be taking them in pill form soon. i hate pills, but anyways, i'm on the road to being completely healed! praise the Lord!
i'm going to try to update more often these days, or at least when i'm feeling well. til next time, ciao!
<3
well, i'm very happy about it, because it's the first pear i've eaten since i can't remember when (not counting the canned fruit that i've had). fresh, juicy pear, so good! thank the Lord i can eat fresh pear now, sounds silly, but it's a step forward...
anyways, i have good news to report! so i was talking about faith in my last post (well, it seems i've been talking about faith a lot, because i'm finding that i don't have as much as i thought i had or would like to have), and how much power God gives us through Jesus in prayer. so for the longest time i had been praying that God would heal those little oozing, bleeding before the end of april, and as i saw the days of april pass, and i still black stool (yes, we're back to poo), i was loosing faith, but like i said, reading John encouraged me again, and i told myself "have faith Sarah, God is faithful, and true to His word" so i prayed and tried my hardest to believe (which is hard for me, because i'm such an evidence person, like Thomas, if i see it i can believe it, but to walk by faith and not by sight is hard). so yesterday and today i've had NORMAL POOP, in case you want a description (haha) that means it's nice and brown/yellowish, aka not black (black stool is a sign of bleeding). YAY! if this continues (which it will, because God is the ultimate Healer), and my GI bleeding completely stops i can start eating real food! (like a pear)
anyways PRAISE THE LORD, like always :)
i've also been getting more and more days off from going to clinic, technically. some of the iv stuff that i'm taking, if i have good digestion, i'll be taking them in pill form soon. i hate pills, but anyways, i'm on the road to being completely healed! praise the Lord!
i'm going to try to update more often these days, or at least when i'm feeling well. til next time, ciao!
<3
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
i almost saw the pearly gates...
or so i was told, by my mom and the nurses at the clinic and the doctors...clearly i was near death. Actually my mom says i almost died TWICE, which is probably true.
but first, hello again people who actually read this blog. thanks for reading, and for caring, and for praying. with all these prayers i would not have made it, i know this for sure. and i haven't really kept in contact with people in the world, maybe because i feel a longing for the world at the same time i feel contempt for it. i want to be in it, but i'm annoyed that it goes on happily without me. i'm still such a bitter person. but i'm learning to let that go, after all this is an opportunity that God has given me, for what i do not really know yet, since i'm STILL BLEEDING!!!
okay, so some of you may read my dad's calender updates, so you already know, but i suppose most of you don't? unless i told you. first lets get the difference between clinic and the hospital clear, since it isn't for some (like me, i wouldn't really have known either unless i went through all this). sometimes i'm at the hospital, which means the main building, where it's inpatient, which means you sleep there and eat there and live there, while the docs poke at you. clinic is where you go see the doctor but you have to make an appointment and stuff, it's outpatient. anyways, i think most of you know that, i'm just making sure. so at clinic i get iv supplements and stuff, like potassium and magnesium, blood, platelets, stuff like that. Since the last post i had an interesting/dangerous/deadly encounter with GI bleeding. GI being my gastric intestinal whatever. what does it actually stand for i don't know...but let me update:
i was at clinic and i needed to poo, so i was about to get up to go to the bathroom, when my tummy started hurting REALLY BADLY. and for the longest time too. i always get tummy pains, i still do occasionally (in which i take some deloted --spelling?-- type of morphine, stronger than the old morphine pills i was taking, because those didn't work), but that one time was really intense. but anyways i had to poo (as my friends would laugh and say, i always say i need to poo...)so i went, and relieved myself, except at the end little chunks of blood was coming out. i got back to my seat (in the clinic you get to sit in these reclining chairs, or if your lucky, you get a room and a bed) then suddenly ALL THIS BLOOD STARTED COMING OUT. (if you get grossed out easily, please skip to the next section) i mean it was a lot, it came out in clots like sausage links. at first i thought i had pooped my guts out, i was freaked out, and then i started blacking out (since i suppose you do when you lose a lot of blood all at once), and all these people gathered around me and a group of extra doctors where gathered in the corner whispering about how they didn't think i'd make it (aka = she's going to die). so they called 911, ordered 3 bags of blood and platelets and started squeezing fluid into me IV (because my condition got so bad, they couldn't get a blood pressure out of me). anyways...they got me to the er, gave me blood send me to radiology and did an operation on me where they put this metal coil in my blood vessel (the bleeding one) to stop the bleeding, and all this happened within 3 hours.
it's weird, because the whole time i had no idea how dangerous the situation was. all i knew was that a bunch of blood was coming out into my pants, and they were poking me here and there with needles trying to get another iv in, and my mom was crying walking next to me while they wheeled me around in the er bed, then the hospital's portable beds, kept saying "Sarah?...Sarah!" i was of course just grunting in reply when i could, but sometimes i had no strength to reply back, then she'd freak out even more, and i, still conscious (though i think the people around me thought i blacked out) was wondering why she was so freaked out. it all went by as if a dream, but really it was a miracle. had i not been at clinic when i was pooping, and was at home, i would have never made to the er in time. then if i made it to the er, had i not been at clinic where the nurses made orders for blood and platelets (you have to order them from the bank, and they have to like prepare them and send them...takes time), i would not have had the blood to replace my lost blood and hold me alive momentarily (my hemoglobin count dropped from 11 to 5...if you don't know what that means, just know that's A LOT of lost blood). everything worked out to the detail, and God's hand in this whole event is plain and clear, i think. it's truely a miracle. and i know it, because my parents were praying the whole time, and i think my dad called like a bunch of church members the moment he found out to help pray. (thank you aunties and uncles!)
anyways after that whole traumatizing event i spent 2 days in the intensive care unit at duke, then got transferred to the transplant unit (where i received my cords like five months ago). then i was released, but i got put back to the hospital again a week or so after for "observation". they did a ct on my small bowel and found more bleeding spots, though it wasn't outright bleeding, just "oozing", they are all potentials for another major bleed like the one i just described, which is life threatening. and the docs said if that happens again, they might have to do surgery and remove a part of my small bowels, which will damage me the rest of my life.
soooooo...sounds scary. i think actually i went through a lot of scary things, which really knowing the intensity until afterwards. i'm kind of glad i don't -- haha. there is some truth in "ignorance is bliss". wonder why eve ever wanted to eat that apple...
but i trust the Lord will heal me, He is the ultimate Healer after all, and as my Aba Father, I do not believe He will let me go into such a condition. I keep praying for Him to heal all my bleeding spots, but i'm finding myself very impatient. impatience is a signature character trait of mine, perhaps God wants me to learn: i read the other day, in the bible it says "faith produces patience and patience...etc, etc" (forgot where in the bible, i should start memorizing some things) i'm finding the truth in that statement, believe me. i believe that God can heal me completely, wholly, but WHY IS IT NOT NOW???? it makes me so frustrated sometimes, but then i remember that is not faith. who knew faith is so hard. not only do you need faith to be healed (look at the people healed by Jesus, they all believed before they even asked Him, and He always said "by FAITH you/your servant/your child/whomever is healed"), you also must "live by faith and not by sight". okay so that's hard enough, but i think "faith produces patience" also insinuates that faith needs patience. they go hand in hand. faith is hard, it's so not as easy as i had though in my younger years (now i sound like an old lady). but i have faith God will heal us. i have been quite encouraged lately after reading through John, and Jesus's promise to us that if we love Him and obey His command ("love each other")we can as the Father for anything and He will give it to us. WHAT KIND OF POWER IS THAT???? holy cow. (cows are not holy, i do not believe, i tend to eat them when i can...just an expression okay people)
but i mean God gives us a lot of power, after we're redeemed through Jesus, it's crazy. I've just been discovering this, it's encouraging, now i can pray knowing, perhaps it makes my faith a bit stronger. knowing God will answer, knowing it because Jesus's blood has cleansed me, because He's in the Father and i am in Him through the holy adoption. it also makes me appreciate Jesus dying and rising from the cross all over again.
but i have to admit i'm not always joyful and happy and thankful, i'm always home throwing fits and making my family's life miserable (to which i feel very bad afterwards, and very guilty, i spent like an hour crying yesterday night). so i've been throwing fits (this is not an excuse of course) because, like i stated, i'm still bleeding inside, and you can tell by your poo (yes we're back to excrement)if it's black or bloody red...then it has blood in it. if it's like brown or something, then congratulations!, you're normal, which you probably are. but i'm not, i'm apparently very messed up in my bowels, my guts, my GI tract, whichever you wish. and since the last big bleed/miracle, my parents have restricted my diet down to soupy noodles or soupy rice. i mean it's not bad, but it becomes bad when you can't eat anything else (oh i can have apples and bananas) and you eat the same thing 3 times a day, everyday with no sign of stopping. it's very discouraging and very disgusting, but according to the surgeon fiber will irritate my bowels (so no veggies), and hard foods my parents think will cause more bleeding...or whatever, and then i cant have heavily seasoned food, or acidy food or spicey food...basically nothing. AND I LOVE EATING SO THIS IS TORTURE. so its that (soupy pig food, as i call it) and ensure or boost, supplement drinks.
so you see, i have a complaining and bitter heart, over FOOD, which is silly i know. but it's really hard for me. anyways, praying that i have more faith, hope that sharing some of my feelings won't trip any of you in your walk with God.
but anyways PRAISE THE LORD ALWAYS. just because it's beautiful outside, and today i found that i'm glad i have my eyes. lately they've been feeling funny (chemo and radiation can affect them) but still working. and i know some people would love to be able to see the beautiful spring outside. i think to myself, God is the greatest Artist of all. i think that's why a lot of people want to be artists.
well until next time!
<3
but first, hello again people who actually read this blog. thanks for reading, and for caring, and for praying. with all these prayers i would not have made it, i know this for sure. and i haven't really kept in contact with people in the world, maybe because i feel a longing for the world at the same time i feel contempt for it. i want to be in it, but i'm annoyed that it goes on happily without me. i'm still such a bitter person. but i'm learning to let that go, after all this is an opportunity that God has given me, for what i do not really know yet, since i'm STILL BLEEDING!!!
okay, so some of you may read my dad's calender updates, so you already know, but i suppose most of you don't? unless i told you. first lets get the difference between clinic and the hospital clear, since it isn't for some (like me, i wouldn't really have known either unless i went through all this). sometimes i'm at the hospital, which means the main building, where it's inpatient, which means you sleep there and eat there and live there, while the docs poke at you. clinic is where you go see the doctor but you have to make an appointment and stuff, it's outpatient. anyways, i think most of you know that, i'm just making sure. so at clinic i get iv supplements and stuff, like potassium and magnesium, blood, platelets, stuff like that. Since the last post i had an interesting/dangerous/deadly encounter with GI bleeding. GI being my gastric intestinal whatever. what does it actually stand for i don't know...but let me update:
i was at clinic and i needed to poo, so i was about to get up to go to the bathroom, when my tummy started hurting REALLY BADLY. and for the longest time too. i always get tummy pains, i still do occasionally (in which i take some deloted --spelling?-- type of morphine, stronger than the old morphine pills i was taking, because those didn't work), but that one time was really intense. but anyways i had to poo (as my friends would laugh and say, i always say i need to poo...)so i went, and relieved myself, except at the end little chunks of blood was coming out. i got back to my seat (in the clinic you get to sit in these reclining chairs, or if your lucky, you get a room and a bed) then suddenly ALL THIS BLOOD STARTED COMING OUT. (if you get grossed out easily, please skip to the next section) i mean it was a lot, it came out in clots like sausage links. at first i thought i had pooped my guts out, i was freaked out, and then i started blacking out (since i suppose you do when you lose a lot of blood all at once), and all these people gathered around me and a group of extra doctors where gathered in the corner whispering about how they didn't think i'd make it (aka = she's going to die). so they called 911, ordered 3 bags of blood and platelets and started squeezing fluid into me IV (because my condition got so bad, they couldn't get a blood pressure out of me). anyways...they got me to the er, gave me blood send me to radiology and did an operation on me where they put this metal coil in my blood vessel (the bleeding one) to stop the bleeding, and all this happened within 3 hours.
it's weird, because the whole time i had no idea how dangerous the situation was. all i knew was that a bunch of blood was coming out into my pants, and they were poking me here and there with needles trying to get another iv in, and my mom was crying walking next to me while they wheeled me around in the er bed, then the hospital's portable beds, kept saying "Sarah?...Sarah!" i was of course just grunting in reply when i could, but sometimes i had no strength to reply back, then she'd freak out even more, and i, still conscious (though i think the people around me thought i blacked out) was wondering why she was so freaked out. it all went by as if a dream, but really it was a miracle. had i not been at clinic when i was pooping, and was at home, i would have never made to the er in time. then if i made it to the er, had i not been at clinic where the nurses made orders for blood and platelets (you have to order them from the bank, and they have to like prepare them and send them...takes time), i would not have had the blood to replace my lost blood and hold me alive momentarily (my hemoglobin count dropped from 11 to 5...if you don't know what that means, just know that's A LOT of lost blood). everything worked out to the detail, and God's hand in this whole event is plain and clear, i think. it's truely a miracle. and i know it, because my parents were praying the whole time, and i think my dad called like a bunch of church members the moment he found out to help pray. (thank you aunties and uncles!)
anyways after that whole traumatizing event i spent 2 days in the intensive care unit at duke, then got transferred to the transplant unit (where i received my cords like five months ago). then i was released, but i got put back to the hospital again a week or so after for "observation". they did a ct on my small bowel and found more bleeding spots, though it wasn't outright bleeding, just "oozing", they are all potentials for another major bleed like the one i just described, which is life threatening. and the docs said if that happens again, they might have to do surgery and remove a part of my small bowels, which will damage me the rest of my life.
soooooo...sounds scary. i think actually i went through a lot of scary things, which really knowing the intensity until afterwards. i'm kind of glad i don't -- haha. there is some truth in "ignorance is bliss". wonder why eve ever wanted to eat that apple...
but i trust the Lord will heal me, He is the ultimate Healer after all, and as my Aba Father, I do not believe He will let me go into such a condition. I keep praying for Him to heal all my bleeding spots, but i'm finding myself very impatient. impatience is a signature character trait of mine, perhaps God wants me to learn: i read the other day, in the bible it says "faith produces patience and patience...etc, etc" (forgot where in the bible, i should start memorizing some things) i'm finding the truth in that statement, believe me. i believe that God can heal me completely, wholly, but WHY IS IT NOT NOW???? it makes me so frustrated sometimes, but then i remember that is not faith. who knew faith is so hard. not only do you need faith to be healed (look at the people healed by Jesus, they all believed before they even asked Him, and He always said "by FAITH you/your servant/your child/whomever is healed"), you also must "live by faith and not by sight". okay so that's hard enough, but i think "faith produces patience" also insinuates that faith needs patience. they go hand in hand. faith is hard, it's so not as easy as i had though in my younger years (now i sound like an old lady). but i have faith God will heal us. i have been quite encouraged lately after reading through John, and Jesus's promise to us that if we love Him and obey His command ("love each other")we can as the Father for anything and He will give it to us. WHAT KIND OF POWER IS THAT???? holy cow. (cows are not holy, i do not believe, i tend to eat them when i can...just an expression okay people)
but i mean God gives us a lot of power, after we're redeemed through Jesus, it's crazy. I've just been discovering this, it's encouraging, now i can pray knowing, perhaps it makes my faith a bit stronger. knowing God will answer, knowing it because Jesus's blood has cleansed me, because He's in the Father and i am in Him through the holy adoption. it also makes me appreciate Jesus dying and rising from the cross all over again.
but i have to admit i'm not always joyful and happy and thankful, i'm always home throwing fits and making my family's life miserable (to which i feel very bad afterwards, and very guilty, i spent like an hour crying yesterday night). so i've been throwing fits (this is not an excuse of course) because, like i stated, i'm still bleeding inside, and you can tell by your poo (yes we're back to excrement)if it's black or bloody red...then it has blood in it. if it's like brown or something, then congratulations!, you're normal, which you probably are. but i'm not, i'm apparently very messed up in my bowels, my guts, my GI tract, whichever you wish. and since the last big bleed/miracle, my parents have restricted my diet down to soupy noodles or soupy rice. i mean it's not bad, but it becomes bad when you can't eat anything else (oh i can have apples and bananas) and you eat the same thing 3 times a day, everyday with no sign of stopping. it's very discouraging and very disgusting, but according to the surgeon fiber will irritate my bowels (so no veggies), and hard foods my parents think will cause more bleeding...or whatever, and then i cant have heavily seasoned food, or acidy food or spicey food...basically nothing. AND I LOVE EATING SO THIS IS TORTURE. so its that (soupy pig food, as i call it) and ensure or boost, supplement drinks.
so you see, i have a complaining and bitter heart, over FOOD, which is silly i know. but it's really hard for me. anyways, praying that i have more faith, hope that sharing some of my feelings won't trip any of you in your walk with God.
but anyways PRAISE THE LORD ALWAYS. just because it's beautiful outside, and today i found that i'm glad i have my eyes. lately they've been feeling funny (chemo and radiation can affect them) but still working. and i know some people would love to be able to see the beautiful spring outside. i think to myself, God is the greatest Artist of all. i think that's why a lot of people want to be artists.
well until next time!
<3
Thursday, February 25, 2010
hello, i'm here! surprised?
It's March! Almost spring time, and I love spring!...Actually to tell the truth I like all the seasons :)
Anyways so update time! The physical/medical side first I guess then we'll delve into my thinkings (which, I know, doesn't make sense to some of you at all). So basically, let's recap. I've been sent back to the hospital after about a month of outpatient clinic, for massive bleeding. That was Feb 13, 2010. WOW. Another long stay at the hospital uh? I'm trying to the make the best of it, since in the last blog I bascially already told you about my massive bleeding, and how i'm basically a guinea pig and they tried like 5903420984039 different tests on me, and could not find the bleeding spot. One of the bone marrow doctors told me "sarah you are the mystery" which make me laugh inwardly (i prob looked unhappy on the outside...lol) because when i started this whole treatment i said to God "Lord lets give these doctors a show, and we're going to make it so that they are rendered completely unworthy when compared to Your Sovereign Healing, lets make it a mystery for them, and then show that only God can Heal with just a word, or a thought."
okay so my faith was a little stronger then, thought I really don't know what i was thinking, because i really am a mystery now, and none of the like 30 doctors i've seen can figure out where i'm bleeding (which means they can stop it...). siiiigh. i should becareful what i ask for eh? but i guess its also party of learning to walk by faith. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS??? because we're like evidence people, we see, we believe. but to SEE, really see?? AAAAAAH. then i start doubt myself, like well is that me seeing it and just having foolish hope? or is that really from God. Well anyways lately i've been very moody (poor father and mother who has to be with me everyday....) watching a lot of werido movies, and some reruns, trying to distract myself, thought the littlest things set me off. like if my parents stay in my room for like more than 7 hours i start freakingout and having spazz attacks. like i LOVE my parents, and they're going through so much stress and complications and financial problems and stuff like that, but i'm still a very seflish brat, and i through my frustrations on them. but i found that i do better alone in my room for most of the day, so when my parents say for longer than like 7 hours, i start freaking out and becoming possessed-like. it's a very strange phenomenon. but i donno.
so the other day they made me swallow this monstrous pill, except that it was a blinking camera, and it was supposed to take pictures as it traveled through my guts, while i wore this bulking werido machines with sticker sensors taped all over my torso, so they can collect pictures so see where i am bleeding. this is like the last resort almost. it was soooooooo uncomfortable to say the least, but at least they didnt make me drink a gallon of diaherra inducing crap. cheers! sigh. so the camera is still in my body, it's been 2 days....hopefully i can poo it out soon. how weird is it to have a camera in your guts floating around?
but yeah so, moving onto my more spiritual/mental state. which is probably not as healthy either. my mom said i need to stop complaining about things and just move forward. i think she's right, of course it didnt make me happy to hear it, but i know i complain a lot, i do so, even when i wasnt sick (but trust me, i will not be so picky/complaining after all this is done! heh) anyways so my father and i (daddy's idea, he is our family's giant spirital leader)will be fasting for 2 days, i hope i wont pass out or something, since i'm already kinda weak...but FAITH. i think just being here, 1. for the 2nd time, 2. since feb 13 (it's been long long weeks of bleeding) 3.the doctors actually telling me i'm a mystery and they cant figure me out is very disheartening. so my dad says we shall fast for 2 days and plead with the Lord. I honestly am a little scared, because when i was healthy i did 30hr famine for church and it well, but right now i havent had anything by watery food, for weeks, i'm asking God for major strength to go through this. But mainly i just want to be healed completely (which i feel like God has already promised me....but the TIMING!!! timing...sigh)
also, all my experiences, at first i wanted to hide, but realized God is using this for testimony to other people. recently (i wont reveal actual name) a really good friend that i value a lot joined bible study!!! made me very emotional/happy/crying. being used by God, maybe make this worthwhile.
i realized when i get better i want to be an agent of God that can just bring joy and God's love to people, because i've realized how much life is a gift, and i have to get through the disease. acts 20:24 however, i consider my life worth nothing to me, if only i may finish the race and complete the task the lord Jesus has given me-the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.
i think that takes so much faith to say and actually do, at least for me, because i tend to focuz on the physical a lot, and walking by faith is really hard. perhaps i'm just too weak, but when i'm in pain, its so hard to focuz on God and His Grace, soemtimes i cry out to him and ask him WHYYYYY ARE YOU NOT THERE, WHY IS YOUR TIMING SO SLOW, WHY HAVE YOU ABANDONED ME??? but in my mind i know He would never, but my soul was in so much anguish. but i think when i heard that my friend was joining bible study, i cried for like 10 minutes straight out of joy, because she said she was inspired by my situation, and all i did was sit and complain. God is merciful eh? He still allowed me witness andtake part of bring glory to His kingdom even though i did nothing but sit around groaning.
i'm discovering, or rather rediscovering the power prayer with faith!!! the healing of my bleeding, lots of bleeding after scan, but then after that no more bloody stool, feb 25, thurs, had brown stool (little blood clot) but God is faithful, it's not bloody!!! power of prayer with faith. i think those 2 days where a while ago (because...as if right now i still am bleeding quite a lot), but like i remember just praying, in precious Jesus's name and God had given me peace. but see then the blood came back, and i was soooo disappointed. why Lord, would you do this? is this walking by faith, knowing you have healed me, but what i see is the contrary?
Anyways, still trying to learn to walk with faith, because doubt is so easy to just slip in, like a "what if it's not that, because i cant see it" but i have to remember 2cor5:7 because i think there is no healing if there is no faith. matthew 9:20-22: just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak. she said to herself, "if i only touch his cloak, i can be healed." esus turned and saw her. "take heart, daughter," he said, "your FAITH HAS HEALED YOU." and the woman was healed from that moment. faith has such a huge part in healing, and i have so little of it. i can't believe i was so conceited and thought i had the faith to move mountains, when i can even pull myself out of this heart of darkness really. but i guess then this is all a very slow learning process.
i found this song that is very appropriate to what i'm learning right now:
In His Time
A:IN HIS TIME, IN HIS TIME
HE MAKES ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL IN HIS TIME
LORD, PLEASE SHOW ME EVERYDAY
AS YOU'RE TEACHING ME YOUR WAY
AND I'LL DO JUST WHAT YOU SAY
IN YOUR TIME.
B:IN YOUR TIME, IN YOUR TIME
YOU MAKE ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL IN YOUR TIME
LORD, MY LIFE TO YOU I BRING
MAY EACH SONG I HAVE TO SING
BE TO YOU A LOVELY THING
IN YOUR TIME
BE TO YOU A LOVELY THING
IN YOUR TIME.
(below is a earlier addition to this blog, so it goes kinda backwards...if you can follow that)
i found two verses that's somewhat relevant and much needed for me right now: its 6am feb 27 sat and i cant sleep because i just had 8 bloody stools (small ones granted, not TOO fresh) but when i see that i see a major step backwards. thought God promised to cure me of my bleeding a 2 days ago, so i got scared. still trying to learn the live by faith, and not by sight, thought sight is overwhelming and such a good foothold for Satan, doubt and fear, which is what is happening. but then i ask for a sigh, 125lbs or higher, usually, i'm not that hight. but 125.4. God is good, my faith is weak, and i need MAJOR help in that area. wonder how abraham had enough faith to actually go and try to kill his only son... woooow.
but if i can focus on the fact that my life is a testimony to a friend who just started bible study, that is good enough.
found another verse: 2corth4:16-18. what our human eyes cannot see. focus focus! to have a relationship with God is sometimes really hard it requires a lot of God helping us. ironic
so onward i go with 2 days of fasting and hopefully lots of prayer and HEALING. and hopefully God will give me the physical strength to do it right now when i'm already very weak. but FAITH is what we walk by.
oh funny story. i was somewhat coordinated (by that i mean clothes) and i had put in earrings now, because it takes away some of my boredom in the hospital. and the nurses were like "oh look at youuu, dont you look stylish" and some lady was like "yeah i was vacationing in italy, and people there dress like, thats very fashionable". hahahha while i was like dragging my feet trying to walk in the halls. all 125lbs of non muscle. :D
anyways this has been long enough and it's time to take my ambien and sleep somewhat. i also decided to keep a personal journal so that i can write down what i'm thankful for that day, and how i can praise God for that day. i think it'll help me with my mini depression, and also write down my fustrations and counter them with more reasonable thoughts. writing is a good reliever.
well adieu, and thankyou all for reading my blog so faithfully, even though i'm just one insignificant patient out of many many that i see everyday. thank you all for praying for me! and thank you for donating money, every cent will hopefully turn and bless you as well. it's midnight. better go to sleep. i miss seeing people's faces. one day!
love,sarah
Anyways so update time! The physical/medical side first I guess then we'll delve into my thinkings (which, I know, doesn't make sense to some of you at all). So basically, let's recap. I've been sent back to the hospital after about a month of outpatient clinic, for massive bleeding. That was Feb 13, 2010. WOW. Another long stay at the hospital uh? I'm trying to the make the best of it, since in the last blog I bascially already told you about my massive bleeding, and how i'm basically a guinea pig and they tried like 5903420984039 different tests on me, and could not find the bleeding spot. One of the bone marrow doctors told me "sarah you are the mystery" which make me laugh inwardly (i prob looked unhappy on the outside...lol) because when i started this whole treatment i said to God "Lord lets give these doctors a show, and we're going to make it so that they are rendered completely unworthy when compared to Your Sovereign Healing, lets make it a mystery for them, and then show that only God can Heal with just a word, or a thought."
okay so my faith was a little stronger then, thought I really don't know what i was thinking, because i really am a mystery now, and none of the like 30 doctors i've seen can figure out where i'm bleeding (which means they can stop it...). siiiigh. i should becareful what i ask for eh? but i guess its also party of learning to walk by faith. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS??? because we're like evidence people, we see, we believe. but to SEE, really see?? AAAAAAH. then i start doubt myself, like well is that me seeing it and just having foolish hope? or is that really from God. Well anyways lately i've been very moody (poor father and mother who has to be with me everyday....) watching a lot of werido movies, and some reruns, trying to distract myself, thought the littlest things set me off. like if my parents stay in my room for like more than 7 hours i start freakingout and having spazz attacks. like i LOVE my parents, and they're going through so much stress and complications and financial problems and stuff like that, but i'm still a very seflish brat, and i through my frustrations on them. but i found that i do better alone in my room for most of the day, so when my parents say for longer than like 7 hours, i start freaking out and becoming possessed-like. it's a very strange phenomenon. but i donno.
so the other day they made me swallow this monstrous pill, except that it was a blinking camera, and it was supposed to take pictures as it traveled through my guts, while i wore this bulking werido machines with sticker sensors taped all over my torso, so they can collect pictures so see where i am bleeding. this is like the last resort almost. it was soooooooo uncomfortable to say the least, but at least they didnt make me drink a gallon of diaherra inducing crap. cheers! sigh. so the camera is still in my body, it's been 2 days....hopefully i can poo it out soon. how weird is it to have a camera in your guts floating around?
but yeah so, moving onto my more spiritual/mental state. which is probably not as healthy either. my mom said i need to stop complaining about things and just move forward. i think she's right, of course it didnt make me happy to hear it, but i know i complain a lot, i do so, even when i wasnt sick (but trust me, i will not be so picky/complaining after all this is done! heh) anyways so my father and i (daddy's idea, he is our family's giant spirital leader)will be fasting for 2 days, i hope i wont pass out or something, since i'm already kinda weak...but FAITH. i think just being here, 1. for the 2nd time, 2. since feb 13 (it's been long long weeks of bleeding) 3.the doctors actually telling me i'm a mystery and they cant figure me out is very disheartening. so my dad says we shall fast for 2 days and plead with the Lord. I honestly am a little scared, because when i was healthy i did 30hr famine for church and it well, but right now i havent had anything by watery food, for weeks, i'm asking God for major strength to go through this. But mainly i just want to be healed completely (which i feel like God has already promised me....but the TIMING!!! timing...sigh)
also, all my experiences, at first i wanted to hide, but realized God is using this for testimony to other people. recently (i wont reveal actual name) a really good friend that i value a lot joined bible study!!! made me very emotional/happy/crying. being used by God, maybe make this worthwhile.
i realized when i get better i want to be an agent of God that can just bring joy and God's love to people, because i've realized how much life is a gift, and i have to get through the disease. acts 20:24 however, i consider my life worth nothing to me, if only i may finish the race and complete the task the lord Jesus has given me-the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.
i think that takes so much faith to say and actually do, at least for me, because i tend to focuz on the physical a lot, and walking by faith is really hard. perhaps i'm just too weak, but when i'm in pain, its so hard to focuz on God and His Grace, soemtimes i cry out to him and ask him WHYYYYY ARE YOU NOT THERE, WHY IS YOUR TIMING SO SLOW, WHY HAVE YOU ABANDONED ME??? but in my mind i know He would never, but my soul was in so much anguish. but i think when i heard that my friend was joining bible study, i cried for like 10 minutes straight out of joy, because she said she was inspired by my situation, and all i did was sit and complain. God is merciful eh? He still allowed me witness andtake part of bring glory to His kingdom even though i did nothing but sit around groaning.
i'm discovering, or rather rediscovering the power prayer with faith!!! the healing of my bleeding, lots of bleeding after scan, but then after that no more bloody stool, feb 25, thurs, had brown stool (little blood clot) but God is faithful, it's not bloody!!! power of prayer with faith. i think those 2 days where a while ago (because...as if right now i still am bleeding quite a lot), but like i remember just praying, in precious Jesus's name and God had given me peace. but see then the blood came back, and i was soooo disappointed. why Lord, would you do this? is this walking by faith, knowing you have healed me, but what i see is the contrary?
Anyways, still trying to learn to walk with faith, because doubt is so easy to just slip in, like a "what if it's not that, because i cant see it" but i have to remember 2cor5:7 because i think there is no healing if there is no faith. matthew 9:20-22: just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak. she said to herself, "if i only touch his cloak, i can be healed." esus turned and saw her. "take heart, daughter," he said, "your FAITH HAS HEALED YOU." and the woman was healed from that moment. faith has such a huge part in healing, and i have so little of it. i can't believe i was so conceited and thought i had the faith to move mountains, when i can even pull myself out of this heart of darkness really. but i guess then this is all a very slow learning process.
i found this song that is very appropriate to what i'm learning right now:
In His Time
A:IN HIS TIME, IN HIS TIME
HE MAKES ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL IN HIS TIME
LORD, PLEASE SHOW ME EVERYDAY
AS YOU'RE TEACHING ME YOUR WAY
AND I'LL DO JUST WHAT YOU SAY
IN YOUR TIME.
B:IN YOUR TIME, IN YOUR TIME
YOU MAKE ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL IN YOUR TIME
LORD, MY LIFE TO YOU I BRING
MAY EACH SONG I HAVE TO SING
BE TO YOU A LOVELY THING
IN YOUR TIME
BE TO YOU A LOVELY THING
IN YOUR TIME.
(below is a earlier addition to this blog, so it goes kinda backwards...if you can follow that)
i found two verses that's somewhat relevant and much needed for me right now: its 6am feb 27 sat and i cant sleep because i just had 8 bloody stools (small ones granted, not TOO fresh) but when i see that i see a major step backwards. thought God promised to cure me of my bleeding a 2 days ago, so i got scared. still trying to learn the live by faith, and not by sight, thought sight is overwhelming and such a good foothold for Satan, doubt and fear, which is what is happening. but then i ask for a sigh, 125lbs or higher, usually, i'm not that hight. but 125.4. God is good, my faith is weak, and i need MAJOR help in that area. wonder how abraham had enough faith to actually go and try to kill his only son... woooow.
but if i can focus on the fact that my life is a testimony to a friend who just started bible study, that is good enough.
found another verse: 2corth4:16-18. what our human eyes cannot see. focus focus! to have a relationship with God is sometimes really hard it requires a lot of God helping us. ironic
so onward i go with 2 days of fasting and hopefully lots of prayer and HEALING. and hopefully God will give me the physical strength to do it right now when i'm already very weak. but FAITH is what we walk by.
oh funny story. i was somewhat coordinated (by that i mean clothes) and i had put in earrings now, because it takes away some of my boredom in the hospital. and the nurses were like "oh look at youuu, dont you look stylish" and some lady was like "yeah i was vacationing in italy, and people there dress like, thats very fashionable". hahahha while i was like dragging my feet trying to walk in the halls. all 125lbs of non muscle. :D
anyways this has been long enough and it's time to take my ambien and sleep somewhat. i also decided to keep a personal journal so that i can write down what i'm thankful for that day, and how i can praise God for that day. i think it'll help me with my mini depression, and also write down my fustrations and counter them with more reasonable thoughts. writing is a good reliever.
well adieu, and thankyou all for reading my blog so faithfully, even though i'm just one insignificant patient out of many many that i see everyday. thank you all for praying for me! and thank you for donating money, every cent will hopefully turn and bless you as well. it's midnight. better go to sleep. i miss seeing people's faces. one day!
love,sarah
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
this is long due, eh? hello again world!
hello everyone! hopefully this more organized and conclusive.
okay I dont know how much i updated last time, or what i said (i probably said a lot of "i dont know whats going on, etc"), so I'll just update. Basically when i got the hospital from transplant, i was required to go to transplant clinic everyday. but at the apartment that i rented i still experienced a lot pain, from my polyoma (spelling not relevant okay!)pee-pee virus, and random belly pains. mornings were always the worst, so many pills to take with my breakfast. and lunch. and dinner. i think all random pain that i was experiencing after leaving the hospital was unexpected, i thought that when i left the hospital it would be like a miracle healing, like poof, i'm better! but i guess it didnt go as i expected, and so i became anxious and scared, scared of having pain randomly that can't be stopped, i was scared that i was improving, etc. and i think everything, all the different changes caused a lot of stress, and i dont handle stress and pain very well. i think at that time Satan was seriously attacking my mind, trying to convince me that God had abandoned me, that's how i felt. actually to tell the truth i feel like sometimes still, but i know in my heart and mind He is always faithful.
i realized that i really needed the fruits of the spirit, i needed the Peace, the Joy, the Patience, etc. I needed to learn to find comfort in God, because Jesus has victory over death and all of this right? i mean He's gone through everything, He knows. but for me, when i'm in pain, i completely lose it. so i tried to be more God minded, to find things to praise God. i needed to get out of my spiritual depression, which at that point, i still haven't really. i think it was just too much random pain, and too many pills.
sooo, a lot physical change and uncomfortable. but i realized during that time how selfish i've become and uncaring, and i withdrew from people (and this blog...as you see...). i also began treating my parents awfully, like i took advantage of their love for me to throw temper tantrums and being a brat over all. i think i add a lot of stress to my parents, and overall my family. sometimes i'm even mean to my brother, it was just bad. i think this whole experience is much much more than just the physical. i'm thinking jeremiah when he went to see the potter. i'm the clay, the clay is not comfortable, the clay is losing its spirit.
but anyways i'm determined know to not allow a foothold for satan to mess up anything. i remember reading a verse, 2 Corinthians 5:7 we walk by faith and not by sight. and that struck me a lot, because up to then i had been paying so much attention on my pain, and all the symptoms (still have that GVHD and peepee virus!), but yeah i've been so focused on that mere human eyes can see. but walking by faith is really, really hard.
especially for me right now, because well, here is the LATEST update.
so one day at clinic they realized that my red blood cells went from 8.6 to 5.8 which is a HUUUUUUUUUUUGE drop. this huge drop in rbc's means that there is massive bleeding somewhere in my body. so that fateful day at clinic, i got transported back to the hospital, and that was feb 13. and i've been here since. the first 5 days they did not allow me to eat anything, and they did not give me any iv nutrition, so i became bedridden, and all skin and bones. 120lbs for my height? that's crazy. then they made me do like 5 different tests, like sticking stuff up my colon, down my throat, making me drink a gallon of prep stuff which made me bleed more. anyways for 5 days i ate nothing, besides drinnk these nasty preps that gave me more diarrhea, but they never found where my bleeding spot(s). and now i'm on iv nutrition, but still bleeding. i get so many blood and platelet transfusions these days. the first few days, during those tests, i was so stressed so focused on the pain, i began having these spazz attacks again. it's kinda like being possessed by some kind of spirit, my arms would flail and my legs were jerk and my whole body would twist and....well bascially i looked possessed, and i couldnt speak english, and they would have to give me calming medicine. and i withdrew again from the outside world, and putting myself in misery.
but lately i'm been trying a new method. DISTRACTION. haha i have a rough draft of a small business that i want to start, and i've been trying to budget a little bit of money to plan my brothers first birthday party, and do soemthing special for all my family, because i konw i'm going through a lot, but i think them watching me, is going through a lot too. so my little business (which totally just popped in my head, i think as a gift from God) will hopefully start up after i get better. and i've been painting wooden boxes here and watching a bunch of crappy (some good) movies to keep preoccupied and the spasms and possessed weirdoness has def decreased. i praise the Lord that He is pulling me out of the spiritual low, and for the great support and care i'm getting from my parents who are probably all so stressed.
which brings me to the last point. it's been really stressful for my dad and mom, because they have to work and be with me, and be with aaron, but take time off to see me. and our financial situation is not looking good at all, so thank you all who have donated, whether in case or to the ntafund. but i donno. i'm scared for my parents health, and job and they're barely working, so we have like no money. i've been asking friends around to help me do fundraising, but anyways. God will provide.
Thank you all for reading my blog, though it may not make any sense to some of you, but thank you for your support, whether financially or through prayer, or through service (i'm hearing from my parents that lots of aunties and uncles have brought yummmy food over....too bad i cant eat any of it but it's so nice!)
we must all proceed with a thankful heart, praise the Lord! keeping myself distracted until God heals me. and you know i really wish i could touch the cloak of Jesus Christ, like that woman did so long ago, but then i remembered He left us the Holy Spirit.
Praise the Lord always! hopefully i'll update more recently since i'm trying to make an effort to getting better, no just physically but mentally, spiritally. finding peace at times like this, using faith at a time like this, this is where it becomes real.
okay I dont know how much i updated last time, or what i said (i probably said a lot of "i dont know whats going on, etc"), so I'll just update. Basically when i got the hospital from transplant, i was required to go to transplant clinic everyday. but at the apartment that i rented i still experienced a lot pain, from my polyoma (spelling not relevant okay!)pee-pee virus, and random belly pains. mornings were always the worst, so many pills to take with my breakfast. and lunch. and dinner. i think all random pain that i was experiencing after leaving the hospital was unexpected, i thought that when i left the hospital it would be like a miracle healing, like poof, i'm better! but i guess it didnt go as i expected, and so i became anxious and scared, scared of having pain randomly that can't be stopped, i was scared that i was improving, etc. and i think everything, all the different changes caused a lot of stress, and i dont handle stress and pain very well. i think at that time Satan was seriously attacking my mind, trying to convince me that God had abandoned me, that's how i felt. actually to tell the truth i feel like sometimes still, but i know in my heart and mind He is always faithful.
i realized that i really needed the fruits of the spirit, i needed the Peace, the Joy, the Patience, etc. I needed to learn to find comfort in God, because Jesus has victory over death and all of this right? i mean He's gone through everything, He knows. but for me, when i'm in pain, i completely lose it. so i tried to be more God minded, to find things to praise God. i needed to get out of my spiritual depression, which at that point, i still haven't really. i think it was just too much random pain, and too many pills.
sooo, a lot physical change and uncomfortable. but i realized during that time how selfish i've become and uncaring, and i withdrew from people (and this blog...as you see...). i also began treating my parents awfully, like i took advantage of their love for me to throw temper tantrums and being a brat over all. i think i add a lot of stress to my parents, and overall my family. sometimes i'm even mean to my brother, it was just bad. i think this whole experience is much much more than just the physical. i'm thinking jeremiah when he went to see the potter. i'm the clay, the clay is not comfortable, the clay is losing its spirit.
but anyways i'm determined know to not allow a foothold for satan to mess up anything. i remember reading a verse, 2 Corinthians 5:7 we walk by faith and not by sight. and that struck me a lot, because up to then i had been paying so much attention on my pain, and all the symptoms (still have that GVHD and peepee virus!), but yeah i've been so focused on that mere human eyes can see. but walking by faith is really, really hard.
especially for me right now, because well, here is the LATEST update.
so one day at clinic they realized that my red blood cells went from 8.6 to 5.8 which is a HUUUUUUUUUUUGE drop. this huge drop in rbc's means that there is massive bleeding somewhere in my body. so that fateful day at clinic, i got transported back to the hospital, and that was feb 13. and i've been here since. the first 5 days they did not allow me to eat anything, and they did not give me any iv nutrition, so i became bedridden, and all skin and bones. 120lbs for my height? that's crazy. then they made me do like 5 different tests, like sticking stuff up my colon, down my throat, making me drink a gallon of prep stuff which made me bleed more. anyways for 5 days i ate nothing, besides drinnk these nasty preps that gave me more diarrhea, but they never found where my bleeding spot(s). and now i'm on iv nutrition, but still bleeding. i get so many blood and platelet transfusions these days. the first few days, during those tests, i was so stressed so focused on the pain, i began having these spazz attacks again. it's kinda like being possessed by some kind of spirit, my arms would flail and my legs were jerk and my whole body would twist and....well bascially i looked possessed, and i couldnt speak english, and they would have to give me calming medicine. and i withdrew again from the outside world, and putting myself in misery.
but lately i'm been trying a new method. DISTRACTION. haha i have a rough draft of a small business that i want to start, and i've been trying to budget a little bit of money to plan my brothers first birthday party, and do soemthing special for all my family, because i konw i'm going through a lot, but i think them watching me, is going through a lot too. so my little business (which totally just popped in my head, i think as a gift from God) will hopefully start up after i get better. and i've been painting wooden boxes here and watching a bunch of crappy (some good) movies to keep preoccupied and the spasms and possessed weirdoness has def decreased. i praise the Lord that He is pulling me out of the spiritual low, and for the great support and care i'm getting from my parents who are probably all so stressed.
which brings me to the last point. it's been really stressful for my dad and mom, because they have to work and be with me, and be with aaron, but take time off to see me. and our financial situation is not looking good at all, so thank you all who have donated, whether in case or to the ntafund. but i donno. i'm scared for my parents health, and job and they're barely working, so we have like no money. i've been asking friends around to help me do fundraising, but anyways. God will provide.
Thank you all for reading my blog, though it may not make any sense to some of you, but thank you for your support, whether financially or through prayer, or through service (i'm hearing from my parents that lots of aunties and uncles have brought yummmy food over....too bad i cant eat any of it but it's so nice!)
we must all proceed with a thankful heart, praise the Lord! keeping myself distracted until God heals me. and you know i really wish i could touch the cloak of Jesus Christ, like that woman did so long ago, but then i remembered He left us the Holy Spirit.
Praise the Lord always! hopefully i'll update more recently since i'm trying to make an effort to getting better, no just physically but mentally, spiritally. finding peace at times like this, using faith at a time like this, this is where it becomes real.
Monday, February 8, 2010
i have neglected this for a long time...
wellllllll....so i've been out of the hospital for a couple of weeks now? i donno, i've lost track of time.
i'm sure some of you have been following my fathers more medical side of the situation.
i'm still a little scatterbrained by everything thats going on/what happened to me the past few weeks. so i moved into "north point" that's part of Oakwood contemporary housings. it's really nice, it's all furnished and has kitchen supplies (of course very different than chinese cooking stuff, and everytime we try to actually cook, the fire alarm would go off haha.) but yeah 2 bedroom, i took some pics maybe i'll post some pictures up later about my whole process.
but basically every morning i get up, eat breakfast and a whole cup of nasty pills that makes really nervous and unhappy and etc. and of course there is a cup of pills during lunch, and at night for dinner. way to ruin eating right? i donno i think i've developed some kind of psychological scared-ness from it. like i dread the morning, and i think all the pills that are supposed to make me "feel good" or w/e wears off then in the morning too, so mornings are the worst for me. i'm always a bit jittery, nervous, i donno, i work up literally SCARED. i think it's finally hit me how long it will take, and i think i've been kinda focusing on the very immediate things, and so i'm like totally freaking out. i think my spirit and faith is being really stretched. i've been having a lot belly/abdominal pain (and the doctors dont really know why, but they don't think its really part of the GVHD) and sometimes battling diarrhea which is sooooooo tiring, i think you can imagine.
i donno, mornings are scary for me, maybe i'm just losing it, i think i was def going through a little depression. i feel like i'm praying all the time for relief, but it just doesnt come... i guess i mean everyone goes through this process has to deal with this, but sometimes, just sometimes i feel like God has abandoned me, but i mean i KNOW he hasnt, just when i'm in immense pain, it's hard to look forward, or even look backward to see progress you know? so lately i've been keeping a journal of my progresses and what has been happening and hopefully every week i can look back and praise the Lord for being so good to me, because i know He is. it's just hard. i have a very very weak spirit right now, i need lots and lots of prayers to get out of this gloomy-ness because it's really not helping me recover.
anyways my urinary virus is getting better, i even noticed it, though sometimes i get intense tummy aches, sometimes because i'm hungry, but other times i donno...why it hurts. and i take SO many pills now, because i'm not in the hospital to do it by iv. and some of it hurts me when i take it down.
but i have to trust in God's timing right? i keep thinking back to joseph, and how when he was little he had dreams of his family bowing down to him and all that, but what did he go through? i mean he had to wait in jail for like years, because some guy forgot about him. but God's timing is perfect right, in like one day he went from working in jail to becoming 2nd in command in egypt. it's crazy. i dont really know what i'm talking about, besides that i thought that when i got out of the hospital, i would miraculous become better...i guess i was little disappointed. and then every day it's such a struggle for me between pain (even though they gave me morphine pills.... imean thats pretty intense. i dont take much...)
i guess disappointment is something i'm battling with, though really it's all in God's hand, and He had this planned from the beginning. and i do believe that He does all these things to prosper us and allow us to live a more fullfilling life, but sometimes its hard to remember.
i also almost found myself wishing i was back in the hospital at once, because they have iv meds, and it's so much less torture for me, but then i remember the jews when they were brought out of egypt they complained about everything, even though the Lord provided so much for them. so i'm trying to find things to praise God for everyday...
i dont really know what i'm saying now. i'm finding myself really scatterbrained. my parents are under a lot of stress too, please pray for them. i think it must be hard to watch your daughter scream and moan in pain.
anyways. also my dad had helped me set up an donation account with ntafund.org, so that if anyone can or is willing to donate money they can do it right through there. it accepts credit card, so i guess that's a benefit and you can tax reductions. but i think they keep like 4% of it, but i donno, the money goes to my account under them, and they can help pay for medical bills and housing and co-payments and extra. please spread the word if you can :)
Thank you all who have already supported us! especially through prayers and all the love and food and care!!!!
last post i thought i had posted a website that andy showed me on fb about not wasting cancer, but i'm not seeing it... so i'll post it again. i think everyone should read it.
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TasteAndSee/ByDate/2006/1776_Dont_Waste_Your_Cancer/
i think some of the points on there, God has been slowly teaching me through this .... VERY SLOW ...process.
anyways. God gives me strength. that's what i've been repeating myself while trying "relaxation exercises". haha.
this blog has made no sense. at all. i've kind of lost touch with people, so i just want to appologize, and hopefully, soon i will ease myself back into reality and be more "normal" or whatever that means. :)
love you all, thank you for your support and for reading this really weird blog.
i'm sure some of you have been following my fathers more medical side of the situation.
i'm still a little scatterbrained by everything thats going on/what happened to me the past few weeks. so i moved into "north point" that's part of Oakwood contemporary housings. it's really nice, it's all furnished and has kitchen supplies (of course very different than chinese cooking stuff, and everytime we try to actually cook, the fire alarm would go off haha.) but yeah 2 bedroom, i took some pics maybe i'll post some pictures up later about my whole process.
but basically every morning i get up, eat breakfast and a whole cup of nasty pills that makes really nervous and unhappy and etc. and of course there is a cup of pills during lunch, and at night for dinner. way to ruin eating right? i donno i think i've developed some kind of psychological scared-ness from it. like i dread the morning, and i think all the pills that are supposed to make me "feel good" or w/e wears off then in the morning too, so mornings are the worst for me. i'm always a bit jittery, nervous, i donno, i work up literally SCARED. i think it's finally hit me how long it will take, and i think i've been kinda focusing on the very immediate things, and so i'm like totally freaking out. i think my spirit and faith is being really stretched. i've been having a lot belly/abdominal pain (and the doctors dont really know why, but they don't think its really part of the GVHD) and sometimes battling diarrhea which is sooooooo tiring, i think you can imagine.
i donno, mornings are scary for me, maybe i'm just losing it, i think i was def going through a little depression. i feel like i'm praying all the time for relief, but it just doesnt come... i guess i mean everyone goes through this process has to deal with this, but sometimes, just sometimes i feel like God has abandoned me, but i mean i KNOW he hasnt, just when i'm in immense pain, it's hard to look forward, or even look backward to see progress you know? so lately i've been keeping a journal of my progresses and what has been happening and hopefully every week i can look back and praise the Lord for being so good to me, because i know He is. it's just hard. i have a very very weak spirit right now, i need lots and lots of prayers to get out of this gloomy-ness because it's really not helping me recover.
anyways my urinary virus is getting better, i even noticed it, though sometimes i get intense tummy aches, sometimes because i'm hungry, but other times i donno...why it hurts. and i take SO many pills now, because i'm not in the hospital to do it by iv. and some of it hurts me when i take it down.
but i have to trust in God's timing right? i keep thinking back to joseph, and how when he was little he had dreams of his family bowing down to him and all that, but what did he go through? i mean he had to wait in jail for like years, because some guy forgot about him. but God's timing is perfect right, in like one day he went from working in jail to becoming 2nd in command in egypt. it's crazy. i dont really know what i'm talking about, besides that i thought that when i got out of the hospital, i would miraculous become better...i guess i was little disappointed. and then every day it's such a struggle for me between pain (even though they gave me morphine pills.... imean thats pretty intense. i dont take much...)
i guess disappointment is something i'm battling with, though really it's all in God's hand, and He had this planned from the beginning. and i do believe that He does all these things to prosper us and allow us to live a more fullfilling life, but sometimes its hard to remember.
i also almost found myself wishing i was back in the hospital at once, because they have iv meds, and it's so much less torture for me, but then i remember the jews when they were brought out of egypt they complained about everything, even though the Lord provided so much for them. so i'm trying to find things to praise God for everyday...
i dont really know what i'm saying now. i'm finding myself really scatterbrained. my parents are under a lot of stress too, please pray for them. i think it must be hard to watch your daughter scream and moan in pain.
anyways. also my dad had helped me set up an donation account with ntafund.org, so that if anyone can or is willing to donate money they can do it right through there. it accepts credit card, so i guess that's a benefit and you can tax reductions. but i think they keep like 4% of it, but i donno, the money goes to my account under them, and they can help pay for medical bills and housing and co-payments and extra. please spread the word if you can :)
Thank you all who have already supported us! especially through prayers and all the love and food and care!!!!
last post i thought i had posted a website that andy showed me on fb about not wasting cancer, but i'm not seeing it... so i'll post it again. i think everyone should read it.
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TasteAndSee/ByDate/2006/1776_Dont_Waste_Your_Cancer/
i think some of the points on there, God has been slowly teaching me through this .... VERY SLOW ...process.
anyways. God gives me strength. that's what i've been repeating myself while trying "relaxation exercises". haha.
this blog has made no sense. at all. i've kind of lost touch with people, so i just want to appologize, and hopefully, soon i will ease myself back into reality and be more "normal" or whatever that means. :)
love you all, thank you for your support and for reading this really weird blog.
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