break out the cake day -1

helloooo everyone who reads, and those who read my blog (harhar)
because i'm sure most of you read...

anyways. i say break out the cake because my total body irradiation is done and officially over with, for the rest of my life (let's pray for it to be so!) so the past few days i've been vomiting and being all grossed out every second of life, which made the days very miserable and hard to get through (i'm not going to lie). i never could have possibly imagined what all of the people previous to me, and those coming after me, will have to experience, lets just pray God has mercy on them. i dont think people ever realize (i know this sounds so clique, but true) how much they have to be thankful for just to be able to swallow a bit of food, and to enjoy it at that! so the past few days during radiation, i've been praising God, praying to him, and remembering some good ol memories from my 19 years of life. i realized, ironically, that a lot of my good memories come from eating...hahaha, how sad. like how in high school going off campus every day with april nanato driving her little car, and me and linda and juliana and lisa yelling at her (mostly me) while she drives like a manic, while we go to bojangles to get our deep fried goodness. such good memories. and the time i got to pig out just once at uchicago medicial center, when my mom allowed me to order some (fake) chinese take out from some local resturant, i ate SO much, it was so enjoyable. and like how when i go to china and eat from the street vendors, and the memories go on pertaining to food. it's just really ironic, that i can enjoy it so much, and memories can be made based on how you eat, weird right? i think in psychology food makes a good memory cue. so i suppose that this period of time will be remembered as the low time when i could barely eat.

but it's okay because it's over! yay! and i do wish i could eat cake...though i can't.

my mom says that tomorrow will be like a new birthday for me, because i'm getting a new immune system! that's exciting, i'm nervous of course, about the outcome and all of that. so for all of you who have leaving comments and reading and praying for me (by the way thank you all for your comments! they make me smile, even over my queasy stomach haha and i'm very glad to meet all of you in such a strange, 21st century way through a blog, but soon through person i hope)
- pray that the cord blood will be taken in my body successfully, and that my body will not be stubborn like myself, and accept it willingly and gladly, and God be merciful
- pray that i wont have weird complications like graft verses host, or like bloody urine, or any other side effects (i'm really praying for a mircale, so i can be like my God can wow the doctors, right! i mean there is a saying that doctors are performing miracles everyday, but not like those that our God can!)
- also that i can go through this period without getting an infection, a major thing, or a fever (which is a sign of infection). a nurse told me that she's only witness 1 or 2 people go through this without a fever (meaning it's very few), but i tell her I can pray, and God can make miracles happen, so lets!
- though i dont like being in the hospital for a very long time, pray that God will watch the cord bloods engraft and that when it does engraft, it's secure, and i wont relapse or have to go through this process again. i know one girl on the floor a couple doors down, relapsed and had to come back fro the second time, poor thing.

those are the major prayer requests now, and i think what Auntie Jan Pan told me about what Uncle Robert Pan said once, "i'm here because of everyone's prayer" i think it's so true. of course prayer doesnt seem like such a big deal to me before, i mean it's something we all do, but when you pray do you actually believe the power of it? i think it's insane to think about, you know? sometimes i pray and at the same time i'm saying "God save me" i'm doubting "are you really going to God?" is that testing God? i don't know, maybe i do it too many times, and so i'm in the situation. but anyways i want to be able to believe (faith that moves mountains right) when i pray, how much more powerful is that?!

um well i'm working my way through the bible, and books people have given me, it's been going slow, because i still don't feel like doing anything these days. just laying in bed, and spending time with my mom by my side. when she leaves, i feel so lonely at the hospital, but i think it's necessary. this morning as i was being transported to and from duke south to north, i saw this kid, he/she must have been a kid, he was about the size of a 10 year old, but looked like a new born baby, all bald and little feet and hands, being wheelchaired into the radiation clinic, and i felt so heartbroken. i mean he (don't know if he's a he.. i'm just saying) looked so venerable and sad, and i think he was sucking on this thumb, or had his hand near his mouth. i just prayed for him for an instant, but to imagine going through life like that, at such a young age. sometimes i think i'm fortunate to have 19 years of good memories to dwell on during these times, but it's so not fair for those kids. i don't know what God does, but i guess i must trust Him, after all he says he will never abandon those who love Him.

so i spend a lot of time waiting, in a wheelchair, at the radiation clinic, waiting for my treatment. i see nurses and doctors pass by, laughing, and joking, and i think to myself "to be on the opposite side of hospital care is so nice, i'd rather be the nurse taking care of the patient, then be sitting here in a really uncomfortable wheelchair, staring off to the distance" i saw a bunch of nurses gathered by computers, gossiping about some other nurse who likes to flirt with doctors, and it made me laugh, but then to my other side i hear a patient behind a curtain talk about he lives at sunset valley (is that what it's called? dont know if it's a real place), and how he drives so far out here, and needs 4 to 5 treatments, and how he's taking a steriod for pain or something, and i think the two sides of health care (well just 2 of the sides, since there are a lot) are so vastly different, who besides God is to say which side you're on? anyways, just some musings.

a lot of people here think i'm a boy, because i'm always wearing a mask, and i have barely any hair, and i guess i look pretty bad. it makes me laugh. the transportation guy keeps saying "morning mr. he" or "good luck to you mr. he", haha. and this lady who's the mom of the relapse patient was talking to my mom, like "hows your son". siiigh. oh well maybe God will give me some kinda of crazy internal beauty that will like blind everyone one day, hahaha. i think i'm done for tonight.

thank you all for reading! it makes me feel like i'm actually doing something for some reason, instead of being pointless.
my savior loves, lives, and saves! praise the lord. i've been finding things to praise God for, that's the only way to live life! today i praise him for not letting me throw up, for finishing my TBI and MOVING ON WITH LIFE! how much better my life will be after this, i will be able to enjoy it tenfold more. yay!