haha isn't that a show? prison break? whatever. i feel like i can finally get out of this mental asylum place. so in the past 3 days or so, i was having like serious mental/physiological breakdowns. it started a few nights ago, i just started liked crying and then bawling and then my whole body started jittering and shaking violently, and i couldnt make myself either, and i think people thought i was possessed or something. they gave me some tranquilizers haha to calm me down, but then the next morning it came again, i seriously was like one of those people who were like possessed by a demon like on a scary money or something. scared the crap out of me, and my mom got all freaked out and started yelling at me, which freaked me out even more, and i was in the room creating quite the chaos. i think people outside in the halls were like WHAT IN THE WORLD? so a bunch of nurses rushed in and tried to calm me down and stuff.
lol seriously being in here has some HUGE mental strain. but yup so then 2 days ago, they were like okay maybe you should take the wheel chair, put on a mask and go downstairs for some fresh air, which i did. and PRAISE THE LORD FOR FRESH AIR AND NATURE. i only sat in this empty courtyard for like max of 15 minutes, wrapped in blankets in a wheelchair, looking like a sick person....haha. when i was healthy, i would would pass people like that and never really give a second thought to what kinds of hell they are going through, but i think, i think i can comprehend just a little now.
but the fresh air was so nice on my face. its like being kissed by the wind, i heard birds chirping and my mom went to grab some eel sushi to eat while we were outside. and the smell of eel sushi (which i love and cannot eat now...) made me so happy. lol when i saw her chew i could imagine in my head chewing and savoring the taste. ahhhh. it was a good, blessed 15 minutes. then i had to go back to my room, but that made my day. so yesterday they let me out again for freshair, but when we went it was drizzling outside. oh well.
so health updates, basically my HHV6 virus is undercontrol, so my white blood cells are stable on its own now, without having to get those stimulating shots everyday! yay! but they are still giving me like 3 different kinds of immune suppressents (which I'll be on for months) so i still have no immune system. siiigh. and this polyoma (i dont know if that's spelled right) pee pee virus is creating a lot of internal burning and spasms, which they're giving me oral morphine to help now. haha looks like i'll be on pain medicine for a looong time, since this virus doesnt really go away that fast, and my immune system is still suppressed. but yeah so when i pee, blood comes out, and it HURTS. it's not AS bad as some people the nurses tell me, so praise God for that, but prayerfully it'll go away soon.
my GVHD i think is improving just so slightly. i've been able to eat like riceredbean porridge and like chicken broth with noodles and stuff like that. before i really wanted to rush things and just eat like a big ol hearty mean, but i think i'm learning.
learning is a lifetime process. and the stuff that's hard to learn isnt even like multivariable calc or whatever, but the fruits of the Spirit.
anyways. with my fingers and legs crossed, and my hope in God, they might let me out this afternoon! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. yes. i'll update later.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
lets take a journey back in time, day +37
so much for letting me out tomorrow. i was so excited, but probably a little too eager to get out, rushed a bit too fast, and made my gut worse. so we all know about my lovely little GVHD, which if you don't know what is, google! or wiki or something. but apparently i have it bad. bad bad bad. i cant eat without pain shooting through me, but good thing is my white counts is stable, so the stem cells are in there for good, for good.
i think i was, and maybe still am a little, going through a bit of a depression, to be truthful. i was so low in my spirits, i read 90 minutes in heaven by don piper, and i know he went through so much more pain and crap than me, for such a longer period of time, and at first i didnt understand. but then i did, why he didn't want to live any more, he just wanted to go home, to heaven. i felt like that for a few days. why do i still live, God? i just want to be released from all of this torment, but i think i still have a reason to be here right? but i donno, i was just so low, this hospital really sucks the soul out of a person, and i dont think anyone can really imagine how so until they go through it. i cant even imagine it haha, and i'm going through it. i think it must be really really hard on my family too, they must be so stressed and unhappy to be here as well. pray for them!
but when i look back on this whole process, since i donno, june 2009? it's been long. i look at my friends, and they're all taking their gmats and pcats and mcats, and i feel the world passing over me, and i feel like i'd been taken out of time and i'm in this little zone where time is like flowing torwards a blackhole. gaaaaah. but even though i sit here and complain and cry out to the Lord, i can't help to be admit how amazing God is to me. I went through so much, He's been so faithful this whole time. like my induction chemo at uchicago, i knew nothing about leukemia, about transplant, about cancer, about sickness, and he brought me through so effortlessly, it felt like i was only gliding through the problem. like His hands where always cuffed around me, as He carried me through it all. so even though i was sick i was floating. then i got home from uchicago, and the pain hit, but he carried me through it. through all the little details, like how i almost missed my airplane and God delayed it just enough for me to get on a wheelchair and get on the plane. okay i think i mentioned this example before, but it's like the little things, that surprise you how well God takes care of His children. that's how faithful He is, and all the little steps i've taken to get here.
but anyways. i think it finally hit me how long this whole recovery process will be, it's SO slow. i have no patience. i want to get out to the world again, to be able to breath fresh air, and to go to restaurants and to play with my friends, and TO EAT HAPPILY. i think God is ironic, taking away my favorite thing in the world, eating. i pray for a quick recovery.
anyways. the other day i had no blood cells and i was feeling so dizzy and crappy, and my night nurse wouldnt accommodate and ran my magnesium super fast, making me feel so crappy. but after some blood transfusion, and they put me back on my iv pain killers, to help with all the cramping. sigh.
just wanting to eat a happy meal (no, not mcdonalds, though french fries sound so good)! praying and waiting for that day. and when i can get out of the hospital. and then slowly when i can be reintroduced to the world! trying to keep my spirits up! i made a deal with my GI tract. i said. i'll be good to you now, and you heal quickly, and let me eat all the good food i want. haha.
UPDATE!!! it's like 3:16 am and i'm suffering from insomnia, or at least from these steroids. yuck. haha. i just remembered that andy shared a good link with me about cancer, but i think it can affect non cancer patients who take life seriously...lol it's insightful and i think even before i read the article, God was slowly teaching these things to me. like knowing that our days our limited is a type of wisdom, and hurt and cancer is not wasted when God is in control. it's comforting to know, though it's still hard... here's the link:
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TasteAndSee/ByDate/2006/1776_Dont_Waste_Your_Cancer/
and i'm excited about that all you can eat buffet Auntie :D
i think i'm getting at little better with this GVHD, i think God will bring me out of it quickly. i was reading jeremiah a while a go, ...can't sleep. and even through all that wrath God was going ot pour out on Judah because of her unfaithfulness, He always left them with hope, with the return, with Him redeemning them. with Him saying 'i have plans to prosper you, not to harm you', so even through 70 years of exile, God still remembers, and still has the plan from the beginning of eternity for the good of us who believe. i believe that when this is all over, i will be a very very very blessed person. well i already am, but it's hard to feel it sometimes?
i feel kinda stupid and bratty for complaining about not being able to eat, because i know there are people, who are even pretty close to me, that are going through worse, and today i found myself saying "i dont care about other people pains anymore, i cant even handle my own" but OMG i cannot lose myself in that kind of thinking, because then my cancer, my whole experience will be wasted. and that would be a terrible waste of my 19th-20th year of life. tho of course i think it's still unfair i cant eat, i need to know 1. God is awesome 2. there are so many who need love, and I have enough that i horde and wont share.
there is this girl on the same unit, she popped in my room this evening to ask if she can chat with me, she's pretty young i guess, guetting a cord blood, but her parents live in va, so they cant be here like mine all the time to be with her. she must be so lonely. when she first came in i was all shocked cuz she just took off her mask and had like no 2nd thought to cross contamination or anything, and i was annoyed for a sec. but i think, maybe this is the once chance i have in the hospital to be able to bless the Lord with this opportunity, or have Him bless someone through me, so maybe I'll try to chat and talk to her tomorrow in the halls. she seems so lonely, i know it would suck if my parents didnt come everyday. i pray that i dont turn into a cold hearted mean spirited, depressed, selfish unloving person through all of this, ha. i mean the point of all of this is so that God can refine me like a potter to a clay right? it wouldnt make any sense for me to get worse...so i gotta get outta this "i only care about myself" stage/depression and i need to get out there for God! pray i can do this, and that He who gives all good things gives me strength.
but of course i'm still hoping to get out of here ASAP. oh my dad set up a donation account for anyone who can help out financially, or just spread the word would help alot. the website is ntafund.org and i think you search for my name "Xingyue He" (donno if there is a sarah in there, prob not) it's like a non profit that helps people collect fundraising for paying for medical bills and all this. you can get tax deductions i think that is why my dad was going for that, for other people who do donate, and you can use credit card and stuff. donno exactly how it works yet, but that's the website i think. please help spread the world!
but thank you all for those who already helped financially, like a lot ofpeople at my dad's work, and cbc and friends :) it means so, so, so, muuch. and all the prayers and food and support mean even more, this is how i am being sustained i do believe. i wouldnt have made it this far without other people helping me through. sometimes i cant even express how i feel to God besides in groaning and screaming and crying for no reason. but thank God for the Holy Spirit who can translate my nonesense to God in prayers!
well i guess i should try to sleep. hope everyone is enjoying life and praising the Lord always! :)
i think i was, and maybe still am a little, going through a bit of a depression, to be truthful. i was so low in my spirits, i read 90 minutes in heaven by don piper, and i know he went through so much more pain and crap than me, for such a longer period of time, and at first i didnt understand. but then i did, why he didn't want to live any more, he just wanted to go home, to heaven. i felt like that for a few days. why do i still live, God? i just want to be released from all of this torment, but i think i still have a reason to be here right? but i donno, i was just so low, this hospital really sucks the soul out of a person, and i dont think anyone can really imagine how so until they go through it. i cant even imagine it haha, and i'm going through it. i think it must be really really hard on my family too, they must be so stressed and unhappy to be here as well. pray for them!
but when i look back on this whole process, since i donno, june 2009? it's been long. i look at my friends, and they're all taking their gmats and pcats and mcats, and i feel the world passing over me, and i feel like i'd been taken out of time and i'm in this little zone where time is like flowing torwards a blackhole. gaaaaah. but even though i sit here and complain and cry out to the Lord, i can't help to be admit how amazing God is to me. I went through so much, He's been so faithful this whole time. like my induction chemo at uchicago, i knew nothing about leukemia, about transplant, about cancer, about sickness, and he brought me through so effortlessly, it felt like i was only gliding through the problem. like His hands where always cuffed around me, as He carried me through it all. so even though i was sick i was floating. then i got home from uchicago, and the pain hit, but he carried me through it. through all the little details, like how i almost missed my airplane and God delayed it just enough for me to get on a wheelchair and get on the plane. okay i think i mentioned this example before, but it's like the little things, that surprise you how well God takes care of His children. that's how faithful He is, and all the little steps i've taken to get here.
but anyways. i think it finally hit me how long this whole recovery process will be, it's SO slow. i have no patience. i want to get out to the world again, to be able to breath fresh air, and to go to restaurants and to play with my friends, and TO EAT HAPPILY. i think God is ironic, taking away my favorite thing in the world, eating. i pray for a quick recovery.
anyways. the other day i had no blood cells and i was feeling so dizzy and crappy, and my night nurse wouldnt accommodate and ran my magnesium super fast, making me feel so crappy. but after some blood transfusion, and they put me back on my iv pain killers, to help with all the cramping. sigh.
just wanting to eat a happy meal (no, not mcdonalds, though french fries sound so good)! praying and waiting for that day. and when i can get out of the hospital. and then slowly when i can be reintroduced to the world! trying to keep my spirits up! i made a deal with my GI tract. i said. i'll be good to you now, and you heal quickly, and let me eat all the good food i want. haha.
UPDATE!!! it's like 3:16 am and i'm suffering from insomnia, or at least from these steroids. yuck. haha. i just remembered that andy shared a good link with me about cancer, but i think it can affect non cancer patients who take life seriously...lol it's insightful and i think even before i read the article, God was slowly teaching these things to me. like knowing that our days our limited is a type of wisdom, and hurt and cancer is not wasted when God is in control. it's comforting to know, though it's still hard... here's the link:
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TasteAndSee/ByDate/2006/1776_Dont_Waste_Your_Cancer/
and i'm excited about that all you can eat buffet Auntie :D
i think i'm getting at little better with this GVHD, i think God will bring me out of it quickly. i was reading jeremiah a while a go, ...can't sleep. and even through all that wrath God was going ot pour out on Judah because of her unfaithfulness, He always left them with hope, with the return, with Him redeemning them. with Him saying 'i have plans to prosper you, not to harm you', so even through 70 years of exile, God still remembers, and still has the plan from the beginning of eternity for the good of us who believe. i believe that when this is all over, i will be a very very very blessed person. well i already am, but it's hard to feel it sometimes?
i feel kinda stupid and bratty for complaining about not being able to eat, because i know there are people, who are even pretty close to me, that are going through worse, and today i found myself saying "i dont care about other people pains anymore, i cant even handle my own" but OMG i cannot lose myself in that kind of thinking, because then my cancer, my whole experience will be wasted. and that would be a terrible waste of my 19th-20th year of life. tho of course i think it's still unfair i cant eat, i need to know 1. God is awesome 2. there are so many who need love, and I have enough that i horde and wont share.
there is this girl on the same unit, she popped in my room this evening to ask if she can chat with me, she's pretty young i guess, guetting a cord blood, but her parents live in va, so they cant be here like mine all the time to be with her. she must be so lonely. when she first came in i was all shocked cuz she just took off her mask and had like no 2nd thought to cross contamination or anything, and i was annoyed for a sec. but i think, maybe this is the once chance i have in the hospital to be able to bless the Lord with this opportunity, or have Him bless someone through me, so maybe I'll try to chat and talk to her tomorrow in the halls. she seems so lonely, i know it would suck if my parents didnt come everyday. i pray that i dont turn into a cold hearted mean spirited, depressed, selfish unloving person through all of this, ha. i mean the point of all of this is so that God can refine me like a potter to a clay right? it wouldnt make any sense for me to get worse...so i gotta get outta this "i only care about myself" stage/depression and i need to get out there for God! pray i can do this, and that He who gives all good things gives me strength.
but of course i'm still hoping to get out of here ASAP. oh my dad set up a donation account for anyone who can help out financially, or just spread the word would help alot. the website is ntafund.org and i think you search for my name "Xingyue He" (donno if there is a sarah in there, prob not) it's like a non profit that helps people collect fundraising for paying for medical bills and all this. you can get tax deductions i think that is why my dad was going for that, for other people who do donate, and you can use credit card and stuff. donno exactly how it works yet, but that's the website i think. please help spread the world!
but thank you all for those who already helped financially, like a lot ofpeople at my dad's work, and cbc and friends :) it means so, so, so, muuch. and all the prayers and food and support mean even more, this is how i am being sustained i do believe. i wouldnt have made it this far without other people helping me through. sometimes i cant even express how i feel to God besides in groaning and screaming and crying for no reason. but thank God for the Holy Spirit who can translate my nonesense to God in prayers!
well i guess i should try to sleep. hope everyone is enjoying life and praising the Lord always! :)
Monday, December 21, 2009
it's been so long, day +33
first of all, sorry for being absent for so long. i've been through so much pain and discomfort these past few weeks, i've lost interest in the outside world, and havent had much energy for updating blogs and going online. some ofthis stuff i typed a while ago. some is recent updates. just letting all of you know
so, my typing is getting really crappy, like if i misspell things like "while blood cells" instead of "white blood cells" or if i spell NONATO wrong (haha april), i think i'm a bit scatter brained, and i know how to spell (actually not really) usually.
also thank everyone who has been sending me emails like juliana and linda, lu, tiffany, and others, and people on fb, though i dont check fb, because i dont really feel like being in touch with people only a superficial level right now, like the whole "oh how are you doing, i'm doing great" but not really, because everyone has a story but no one takes the time to listen, esp not on fb, whatever, i dont know how to express it really. though i enjoy getting fb messages, that i never reply to because i read the message, and think of all the things to say back, but dont feel like actually typing it out, so i apologize for that.
and also thank you christine lee for the ipod shuffle because it's getting me through the long days, and i'm listening to some music i've never heard before, it's an interesting experience to listen to music picked by other people.
and thank you everyone for commenting, especially for your dedicated reading, because i think if i was well, i wouldnt want to keep reading depressing thoughts from a sick girl everyday, haha. but i'm a very selfish and unloving person, who is hopefully going to change after all of this.
as for Auntie Jeannie's very useful comments: i am allergic to one of the medicines. i got another rash after posting the last blog, and the docs realized it was one of the drugs they were giving me, though i didnt get a rash before, but then they increased the frequency, i started getting rashes. it's so itchy, with a rash, i feel itchy all over because of my very dry skin.
so update, though i'm sure some of you read the calender my dad writes, (not always the most accurate since he's not really here with me) but i'll update you none the less. so since the last time we've talked, i had been bleeding A LOT, and they couldnt realy get it under control, i bleed for like 2 weeks. lost a lot of good blood, but finally after a lot of iv estrogen and pills and all that, it stopped. LOTS and lots of pain, and then i started having lots of diaherra, so it's hard to sit at the toliet in pain for like 15 minuites, for all of you who've had bad diaherra know, it's EXHAUSTING. but i'd been having it 6 or7 times a day SOOOOOOOO tiring and painful, i had to be put on morphine/pain killers. it started out every 4 hours, but they increased it to every 2 hours because i was in so much pain, then it become a button i could push everytime it hurts, and now they took me off of it, because they're treating my GVHD with steriods and stuff, so they want me to get out of the hospital without depending on iv stuff. it's been hard these past few days without my pain killer, but i'm slowly getting better. but i dont think i could have ever imagined what people have to go through, if i never went through this myself. everyday i tell God, 'I'm tried, Lord, i just want rest, i just want to be normal'. it's been very very very hard. but i think this time i've really learned to praise God through everything.
got a virus in my bone marrow that theyre treating, got realy bad gvhd (did i just mention that?) and a virus in my urinary tract, so over all, its been lots of uncomfy-ness and pain, but i'm getting there. they say maybe i can go home next week! or to an apartment in durham. home will be a little further off. i cant wait. i really cant.
a BIG thank you to AAIV from uchicago for sending me so many cards and encouraging comments! it really made my christmas day, my parents brought the cards and gifts to me. also thanks everyone else for sending me stuff and keeping my spirits up, i have to admit it was pretty low for a long time.
and merry LATE LATE christmas. but i figured its okay, because technically Jesus was boring in the spring right? haaha... it's never too late to celebrate His birth, nor is it ever too early. i remember several christmas-es ago (a long time ago actually) when it REALLY hit me, one christmas eve service at church, when it hit me how much Jesus meant to me, meant to the world. that christmas i remember really wanting a portable dvd player (those were all the rage back then) and i something else, but i couldnt really ask for it, because i knew my parents were going through hard financial times. but after that eye opening night, i was SO content, so at peace, so joyful, i didn't want anything else. and ironically God always provides more than enough, and some uncle gave me a portable dvd player (without even me mentioning it at all!) and the other thin gi wanted, i dont even remember. but i remember being so amazed, though it sounds silly, how God provides and all good things come from Him. praise the Lord! though this past christmas was really hard on me, and i'm sure on my family, i still couldnt stop from praising God for being who He is, always. now i'm just blabbing. i'm so scatterbrained these days.but yeah, He knows our hearts, it reminds me of king solomon, when he asked for wisdom, but God gave him so much more. He's amazing.
reminds me of:
seek ye first
the kingdom of God...
that songs. always seeking His kingdom, always always.
anyways hope everyone is enjoying the beginning of 2010. i cant believe it's 2010. I can't believe how i spent my 19th year of life, it's the strangest thing. if i had known how much pain i would go through with this transplant would I hvae choosen it? I don't know, i'm not strong like people think. God is strong, He held me through, but I donno if i would pick this path on my own choosing. but if I had the sight of God, of eternity, of the glory that God pronmised me as an inheritance with Jesus Christ, would I pick this path? it's so hard to say. anyways i'm done for today, its just been a catching up, sorry for it being so random, and not really making sense. I havent had time to make sense of everything yet.
God is good. always.
so, my typing is getting really crappy, like if i misspell things like "while blood cells" instead of "white blood cells" or if i spell NONATO wrong (haha april), i think i'm a bit scatter brained, and i know how to spell (actually not really) usually.
also thank everyone who has been sending me emails like juliana and linda, lu, tiffany, and others, and people on fb, though i dont check fb, because i dont really feel like being in touch with people only a superficial level right now, like the whole "oh how are you doing, i'm doing great" but not really, because everyone has a story but no one takes the time to listen, esp not on fb, whatever, i dont know how to express it really. though i enjoy getting fb messages, that i never reply to because i read the message, and think of all the things to say back, but dont feel like actually typing it out, so i apologize for that.
and also thank you christine lee for the ipod shuffle because it's getting me through the long days, and i'm listening to some music i've never heard before, it's an interesting experience to listen to music picked by other people.
and thank you everyone for commenting, especially for your dedicated reading, because i think if i was well, i wouldnt want to keep reading depressing thoughts from a sick girl everyday, haha. but i'm a very selfish and unloving person, who is hopefully going to change after all of this.
as for Auntie Jeannie's very useful comments: i am allergic to one of the medicines. i got another rash after posting the last blog, and the docs realized it was one of the drugs they were giving me, though i didnt get a rash before, but then they increased the frequency, i started getting rashes. it's so itchy, with a rash, i feel itchy all over because of my very dry skin.
so update, though i'm sure some of you read the calender my dad writes, (not always the most accurate since he's not really here with me) but i'll update you none the less. so since the last time we've talked, i had been bleeding A LOT, and they couldnt realy get it under control, i bleed for like 2 weeks. lost a lot of good blood, but finally after a lot of iv estrogen and pills and all that, it stopped. LOTS and lots of pain, and then i started having lots of diaherra, so it's hard to sit at the toliet in pain for like 15 minuites, for all of you who've had bad diaherra know, it's EXHAUSTING. but i'd been having it 6 or7 times a day SOOOOOOOO tiring and painful, i had to be put on morphine/pain killers. it started out every 4 hours, but they increased it to every 2 hours because i was in so much pain, then it become a button i could push everytime it hurts, and now they took me off of it, because they're treating my GVHD with steriods and stuff, so they want me to get out of the hospital without depending on iv stuff. it's been hard these past few days without my pain killer, but i'm slowly getting better. but i dont think i could have ever imagined what people have to go through, if i never went through this myself. everyday i tell God, 'I'm tried, Lord, i just want rest, i just want to be normal'. it's been very very very hard. but i think this time i've really learned to praise God through everything.
got a virus in my bone marrow that theyre treating, got realy bad gvhd (did i just mention that?) and a virus in my urinary tract, so over all, its been lots of uncomfy-ness and pain, but i'm getting there. they say maybe i can go home next week! or to an apartment in durham. home will be a little further off. i cant wait. i really cant.
a BIG thank you to AAIV from uchicago for sending me so many cards and encouraging comments! it really made my christmas day, my parents brought the cards and gifts to me. also thanks everyone else for sending me stuff and keeping my spirits up, i have to admit it was pretty low for a long time.
and merry LATE LATE christmas. but i figured its okay, because technically Jesus was boring in the spring right? haaha... it's never too late to celebrate His birth, nor is it ever too early. i remember several christmas-es ago (a long time ago actually) when it REALLY hit me, one christmas eve service at church, when it hit me how much Jesus meant to me, meant to the world. that christmas i remember really wanting a portable dvd player (those were all the rage back then) and i something else, but i couldnt really ask for it, because i knew my parents were going through hard financial times. but after that eye opening night, i was SO content, so at peace, so joyful, i didn't want anything else. and ironically God always provides more than enough, and some uncle gave me a portable dvd player (without even me mentioning it at all!) and the other thin gi wanted, i dont even remember. but i remember being so amazed, though it sounds silly, how God provides and all good things come from Him. praise the Lord! though this past christmas was really hard on me, and i'm sure on my family, i still couldnt stop from praising God for being who He is, always. now i'm just blabbing. i'm so scatterbrained these days.but yeah, He knows our hearts, it reminds me of king solomon, when he asked for wisdom, but God gave him so much more. He's amazing.
reminds me of:
seek ye first
the kingdom of God...
that songs. always seeking His kingdom, always always.
anyways hope everyone is enjoying the beginning of 2010. i cant believe it's 2010. I can't believe how i spent my 19th year of life, it's the strangest thing. if i had known how much pain i would go through with this transplant would I hvae choosen it? I don't know, i'm not strong like people think. God is strong, He held me through, but I donno if i would pick this path on my own choosing. but if I had the sight of God, of eternity, of the glory that God pronmised me as an inheritance with Jesus Christ, would I pick this path? it's so hard to say. anyways i'm done for today, its just been a catching up, sorry for it being so random, and not really making sense. I havent had time to make sense of everything yet.
God is good. always.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
it's been a while, day +9
i've been quite busy these past few days, so i wasn't able to update, but now i am feeling okay, so i will give you the complete run down.
so basically in my last post, i was talking about my period, aka menstral cycle. i had asked God to give that to me after TBI and chemo, as a sign that all my interal organs are in good shape, since the ovaries are easily damaged. so i got it, which i was very very thankful for, but who knew, it would give me so much trouble?
basically thursday i got a fever, my very first through this whole process, so they drew a bunch of blood cultures, to check for infection and etc. the nurse couldn't get my vein, and was poking around for like 15 minutes, before she called the specialists to come - ha. and my while blood cells went down to 0.0 and i was running a fever, and was feeling really crappy (to put it in simple terms). i layed in bed most of the day, and then friday and saturday i had severe cramps, not just like oh i have cramps, but like cramps that made me realize that giving birth must be HARD (of course...), but yeah i was basically in bed moaning and screaming in pain, the nurse gave me iv pain killer, which did worked a little, and then double dose pill pain killer, and finally by night time last night i was feeling a little better. but pain is...painful. i can only imagine what Jesus had to go through on the cross, and before hand. when i was in pain, i cried to God but i was also very very thankful to know that Jesus had been there before and knows what pain is like, you know, He can relate to me, to us, even though He is Lord over everything. very encouraging.
so i was running fevers over the past few days. today i had a really bad stomach ache, again with the groaning and screaming in bed, and pain medication. the doc said that this is not normal, and if it happens again i need a stomach ctscan, so praying that it's not a infection or anything. i also developed a rash on my legs, and then last night in the middle of the night, a hive-ish rash all over my body that was really really itchy.
and i've also developed a sore throat, from breathing from my mouth for 2 days, and swollen gums and an ulcer that seems to be getting a little better. so it's been kinda hard to eat by mouth, but i'm doing it, little by little. the docs and nurses keep telling me i'll have to go to tpn, which is nutrition by iv, but i'm trying to avoid that, and my mom urges me and keeps me going.
and i've been really emotional and fustrated lately, haha probably not someone you would want to be around for very long. but i think even though all of these things are happening, i'm uncomfortable/painful, God is still faithful and taking good care of me. the blood cultures came back negative, so did the urine tests and all of that. so though i have no white blood cells to help me, i have the Creator, so it's all good. just day by day now.
i wont say much, because i have to keep my mom entertained (haha) and probably go exercise my tiny leg muscles and lung muscles yay! cant wait til i can go home. please continue praying for me, so i wont get infections or any major complications. and praise God for the power of prayer and the power He gives to us through Jesus :)
so basically in my last post, i was talking about my period, aka menstral cycle. i had asked God to give that to me after TBI and chemo, as a sign that all my interal organs are in good shape, since the ovaries are easily damaged. so i got it, which i was very very thankful for, but who knew, it would give me so much trouble?
basically thursday i got a fever, my very first through this whole process, so they drew a bunch of blood cultures, to check for infection and etc. the nurse couldn't get my vein, and was poking around for like 15 minutes, before she called the specialists to come - ha. and my while blood cells went down to 0.0 and i was running a fever, and was feeling really crappy (to put it in simple terms). i layed in bed most of the day, and then friday and saturday i had severe cramps, not just like oh i have cramps, but like cramps that made me realize that giving birth must be HARD (of course...), but yeah i was basically in bed moaning and screaming in pain, the nurse gave me iv pain killer, which did worked a little, and then double dose pill pain killer, and finally by night time last night i was feeling a little better. but pain is...painful. i can only imagine what Jesus had to go through on the cross, and before hand. when i was in pain, i cried to God but i was also very very thankful to know that Jesus had been there before and knows what pain is like, you know, He can relate to me, to us, even though He is Lord over everything. very encouraging.
so i was running fevers over the past few days. today i had a really bad stomach ache, again with the groaning and screaming in bed, and pain medication. the doc said that this is not normal, and if it happens again i need a stomach ctscan, so praying that it's not a infection or anything. i also developed a rash on my legs, and then last night in the middle of the night, a hive-ish rash all over my body that was really really itchy.
and i've also developed a sore throat, from breathing from my mouth for 2 days, and swollen gums and an ulcer that seems to be getting a little better. so it's been kinda hard to eat by mouth, but i'm doing it, little by little. the docs and nurses keep telling me i'll have to go to tpn, which is nutrition by iv, but i'm trying to avoid that, and my mom urges me and keeps me going.
and i've been really emotional and fustrated lately, haha probably not someone you would want to be around for very long. but i think even though all of these things are happening, i'm uncomfortable/painful, God is still faithful and taking good care of me. the blood cultures came back negative, so did the urine tests and all of that. so though i have no white blood cells to help me, i have the Creator, so it's all good. just day by day now.
i wont say much, because i have to keep my mom entertained (haha) and probably go exercise my tiny leg muscles and lung muscles yay! cant wait til i can go home. please continue praying for me, so i wont get infections or any major complications. and praise God for the power of prayer and the power He gives to us through Jesus :)
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
chocolate chip cookies day +5
i have a bag of chocolate chip cookies in front of me, the snack cart comes by every once in a while, and it makes me happy. haha, also the cafeteria downstairs have big chocolate chip cookies on fridays, last week, on my NEW BIRTHDAY/cord blood infusion day, i had a big cookie, the chocolate was all melted and everything. yummmm.
update for the past 2 days. yesterday would have been pretty unexciting except for the fact that at around 5 pm i had a nose bleed (low platelets, um and i irritated my nose) that lasted for TWO HOURS. ridiculous. they had to give me platelet transfusion right then and then it stopped a while, so i showered and ate some food, and then it started again! for another two hours until 11pm, and then i had another platelet transfusion at 11:30. i barely got any sleep, and i pinched my nose so hard i think maybe the bridge is a little taller now, or squashed flat - haha. they had the night doc come in last night to check on me, because i wouldn't stop bleeding, and he stuffed gauze up my nose, both of the holes, because it was bleeding from both sides. they kept it in all last night, and today, and tonight until tomorrow. i've been breathing through my mouth, highly uncomfy. haha
welll today there isnt much. well something great happened today, but my mom says to keep it hush hush for right now. but i'm very happy and excited, and ready to praise the Lord for it, so i'll let you in on it, just a little bit. because TBI (radiation) and the chemo i got for cord blood transplant can cause organ damage immediately and later down the road, i had prayed to God to protect all my organs and not let a single one of them be damaged. i prayed that He would show me He had done this, by a specific event, and it happened today, and i'm very very joyous. so i think He is letting me know that he has carried me through and that i've been healed and protected by Him. can't really go into detail, without completely giving it away, but the chance of this event happening for people is very very very little, especially after my TBI and chemo. but you know, chance is nothing compared to God. He carried me through this far infection free, and safely and in such good condition, it doesnt matter if the doctor told me i had no chance, with God anything is possible right? i'm very happy. praise the Lord!
well there isnt much to say, i think i might go eat those chocolate chip cookies, after i wash my hands thoroughly of course :D
i hope everyone is excited about this winter season! i'm excited...well for it to pass so i can go home, haha.
update for the past 2 days. yesterday would have been pretty unexciting except for the fact that at around 5 pm i had a nose bleed (low platelets, um and i irritated my nose) that lasted for TWO HOURS. ridiculous. they had to give me platelet transfusion right then and then it stopped a while, so i showered and ate some food, and then it started again! for another two hours until 11pm, and then i had another platelet transfusion at 11:30. i barely got any sleep, and i pinched my nose so hard i think maybe the bridge is a little taller now, or squashed flat - haha. they had the night doc come in last night to check on me, because i wouldn't stop bleeding, and he stuffed gauze up my nose, both of the holes, because it was bleeding from both sides. they kept it in all last night, and today, and tonight until tomorrow. i've been breathing through my mouth, highly uncomfy. haha
welll today there isnt much. well something great happened today, but my mom says to keep it hush hush for right now. but i'm very happy and excited, and ready to praise the Lord for it, so i'll let you in on it, just a little bit. because TBI (radiation) and the chemo i got for cord blood transplant can cause organ damage immediately and later down the road, i had prayed to God to protect all my organs and not let a single one of them be damaged. i prayed that He would show me He had done this, by a specific event, and it happened today, and i'm very very joyous. so i think He is letting me know that he has carried me through and that i've been healed and protected by Him. can't really go into detail, without completely giving it away, but the chance of this event happening for people is very very very little, especially after my TBI and chemo. but you know, chance is nothing compared to God. He carried me through this far infection free, and safely and in such good condition, it doesnt matter if the doctor told me i had no chance, with God anything is possible right? i'm very happy. praise the Lord!
well there isnt much to say, i think i might go eat those chocolate chip cookies, after i wash my hands thoroughly of course :D
i hope everyone is excited about this winter season! i'm excited...well for it to pass so i can go home, haha.
Monday, December 14, 2009
passing by day +3
thank you all for your encouraging/funny/amusing comments! they help me pass time and gives me things to think about, other wise i might go insane.
quick update. so 3 days ago, friday i got my cord blood. it was a lot like a blood transfusion, for those who are wondering. it tastes and smells like rotten cabbage when they put it through the iv though, my mom was complaining that i stank, haha. it went in pretty successfully, no bloody urine, or any other weird complications. praise God! it really is just step by step, though for me it seems like the steps are getting longer and harder.
so the last few days, it was just waiting around, i guess for all my cells to grow back, or rather - the new cells. i got one from a baby boy A+, from illinois, and another A+ girl from washington state. i guess that means i will no longer be B+ but A+, so strange how things like that can change, though it seems permanent right? I mean there are things in life you expect to be the same, but down to your blood type, it can change. but its a good thing i know God never changes, always faithful.
so now to waiting. my hemoglobin (if you want to be so technical) is about 9.9, white blood cell <0.1 (THAT IS LITTLE) platelets 35 or something. the regular range for hemoglobin is 12-15 (this is from the top of my head, not accurate), white blood cell 3.5-10 and platelets 150 up. so thats just a comparative. i think it'll stay low, or get lower, in the next week, then hopefully it'll start to rise! then i can go home.
i know a lot of people think i'm being really positive and great through this whole ordeal, but i have to confess i have been anything but. my mom says she noticed my mood go down drastically this past week. i guess i'm just not used to waiting, and i dont do a very good job waiting either. before, my life was like that of the american fast food life, results immediately, satisfaction now. but waiting for something as minuscule as blood cells to grow back to normal so i can leave the hospital, i think i am having a lot of trouble with. of course i still take it hour by hour, day by day, and praise God when i can eat my food, and when the day is over. but it seems so tiring so straining. i'm very bad at waiting patiently.
but today i tried to put it in perspective, because that's what God gives christians right? eyes that can see. somewhat, in a blurry mirror reflection (but one day we will see clearly!). so i was thinking. all of this misery and awfulness, this is just one short chapter in a very fullfilling life that God has prepared for me, in the future. so i thought about the future, of course no one can ever plan, or really worry about the future because that's silly to do and call God, God. but i thought to the possibilities, to life, and i felt a little better. i guess it's just to help me pass time.
i thought about all my friends and all the separate ways life will take us, and how after i'm better, because i'll be able to attend a friend's wedding sometime, going back to school i'll befriend people that i never though i would because i no longer need to judge people like i used to, and how i'm going to deffinitely go to chinatown and eat my heart out, and all the fun things life has to offer. i think after this i will be able to praise God for even more. my mom even talked about, how after i'm all better she'll only work part time, and we can run up a little business or something cute like that - haha.
i was thinking, this is kind of like walking on water. you know, peter was called out to walk on water, in the middle of a storm, why? perhaps to test his faith, perhaps to build faith, perhaps so he could get a taste of the glory and power that Jesus Christ has, and is our inheritance. it's definitely an honor, but also quite the test. jesus never said "walk to me, because blah blah blah" it's a simple command and when we follow i think the rewards we reap are so much more than the pain experienced. i mean peter can say "i walked on water!" who can say that? not i. of course right now i'm like at the point where it's hard to hold on, because i see the stormy clouds, and the vicious waves and i'm lacking, and perhaps slipping into a little of a "why me pity" mood. but it never lasts too long, because i have to remember to praise God! and i guess when it's all over, i can say "i walked on water" but not exactly...haha, maybe one day.
anyways it's been hard because my whole GI tract is like messed up, from my tongue and taste buds to my stomach to my intestines. it's hard to keep food down, i threw up a few days ago (well, i've been throwing up) and every time i eat it's like a battle. remember how i said i love to eat, and a lot of good memories came from those times? gosh, i try to hold on to that as i swallow little by little. but i must right? to get better. it's just hard, i wont lie.
but no servant is greater than the master, and Jesus gave it all for me, so i guess fighting on is a must. so i tell myself.
but praise God, i think my intestines and stomach is getting stronger ad stronger, i havent vomited for 2 days! it's progress, even if it sounds silly. i'm very greatful to my parents, and other people from church who have made buns and stuff, my parents send me food everyday, so i can avoid eating hospital food (which def will make me throw up)
so lately i've been listening to pandora.com it's an online radio, and it plays songs of a similar genre and stuff, so i've been listening to chris tomlin, hillsong, david crowder, jeremy camp, those kinda people (christian music) and singing along. it's a good stress reliever, though i dont sing well, and i'm sure the nurses think i'm insane. so i dont sing too loudly (plus i have no energy to belt out in song) once i was singing, and i just felt so relieved of my burden, i just broke down and cried and sang as i cried. i think that's an acceptable way to worship too, just coming very very bare before the Lord, i think psalms david does so, many times. it's quite a blessed time.
elder yeh brought me some interesting christian movies, so i think i'll be watching those the next few days with my mom. i'm excited. i started "this much i know" by wally lamb, given to me, like i said, by my good friend jing xi. usually during the day though, it's morning i get up brush and wash. then i lay in bed until my mom comes and then i eat rice porridge and buns. then i lay in my bed while i try to digest that, it comes up every once in a while. then i go out to walk in the halls for a very short time, but lately i'm always tired and weak. i cant even walk up straight, i'm bent like an old lady haha. then i come back and take a nap and then eat and then try to dissolve and then walk some more. then it's dinner time, and my mom helps me wash, and then leave, and then i sing my songs, update my blog, go onnline and watch tv shows until around 9pm ish and i try to sleep (with help from drugs). it's a SUPER exciting life, right? haha i'm just holding on to what i can do with my new life, when i'm out of here. thought some of you would like to know the detail (boring, yes?) of my life.
my dad told me that his small group brothers and sisters want to get me a christmas gift, how nice! we spent 20 minutes on the phone trying to figure out what i wanted. i didnt want anything, pda? no...art stuff? no.. anything electronic? nooo... but then i remembered that when i get better, i will get back to sewing and making clothes, so i thought of some useful things. maybe i'll post pictures of them later, since it's hard to explain what they are. i told my dad i'd post some pictures. but i think it's so nice for so many aunties and uncles to care for me so much! at first my dad was like 'what do you want?' "I want to go hoooooome!!!" haha.
hoping for that day! hope hope hope, forever.
quick update. so 3 days ago, friday i got my cord blood. it was a lot like a blood transfusion, for those who are wondering. it tastes and smells like rotten cabbage when they put it through the iv though, my mom was complaining that i stank, haha. it went in pretty successfully, no bloody urine, or any other weird complications. praise God! it really is just step by step, though for me it seems like the steps are getting longer and harder.
so the last few days, it was just waiting around, i guess for all my cells to grow back, or rather - the new cells. i got one from a baby boy A+, from illinois, and another A+ girl from washington state. i guess that means i will no longer be B+ but A+, so strange how things like that can change, though it seems permanent right? I mean there are things in life you expect to be the same, but down to your blood type, it can change. but its a good thing i know God never changes, always faithful.
so now to waiting. my hemoglobin (if you want to be so technical) is about 9.9, white blood cell <0.1 (THAT IS LITTLE) platelets 35 or something. the regular range for hemoglobin is 12-15 (this is from the top of my head, not accurate), white blood cell 3.5-10 and platelets 150 up. so thats just a comparative. i think it'll stay low, or get lower, in the next week, then hopefully it'll start to rise! then i can go home.
i know a lot of people think i'm being really positive and great through this whole ordeal, but i have to confess i have been anything but. my mom says she noticed my mood go down drastically this past week. i guess i'm just not used to waiting, and i dont do a very good job waiting either. before, my life was like that of the american fast food life, results immediately, satisfaction now. but waiting for something as minuscule as blood cells to grow back to normal so i can leave the hospital, i think i am having a lot of trouble with. of course i still take it hour by hour, day by day, and praise God when i can eat my food, and when the day is over. but it seems so tiring so straining. i'm very bad at waiting patiently.
but today i tried to put it in perspective, because that's what God gives christians right? eyes that can see. somewhat, in a blurry mirror reflection (but one day we will see clearly!). so i was thinking. all of this misery and awfulness, this is just one short chapter in a very fullfilling life that God has prepared for me, in the future. so i thought about the future, of course no one can ever plan, or really worry about the future because that's silly to do and call God, God. but i thought to the possibilities, to life, and i felt a little better. i guess it's just to help me pass time.
i thought about all my friends and all the separate ways life will take us, and how after i'm better, because i'll be able to attend a friend's wedding sometime, going back to school i'll befriend people that i never though i would because i no longer need to judge people like i used to, and how i'm going to deffinitely go to chinatown and eat my heart out, and all the fun things life has to offer. i think after this i will be able to praise God for even more. my mom even talked about, how after i'm all better she'll only work part time, and we can run up a little business or something cute like that - haha.
i was thinking, this is kind of like walking on water. you know, peter was called out to walk on water, in the middle of a storm, why? perhaps to test his faith, perhaps to build faith, perhaps so he could get a taste of the glory and power that Jesus Christ has, and is our inheritance. it's definitely an honor, but also quite the test. jesus never said "walk to me, because blah blah blah" it's a simple command and when we follow i think the rewards we reap are so much more than the pain experienced. i mean peter can say "i walked on water!" who can say that? not i. of course right now i'm like at the point where it's hard to hold on, because i see the stormy clouds, and the vicious waves and i'm lacking, and perhaps slipping into a little of a "why me pity" mood. but it never lasts too long, because i have to remember to praise God! and i guess when it's all over, i can say "i walked on water" but not exactly...haha, maybe one day.
anyways it's been hard because my whole GI tract is like messed up, from my tongue and taste buds to my stomach to my intestines. it's hard to keep food down, i threw up a few days ago (well, i've been throwing up) and every time i eat it's like a battle. remember how i said i love to eat, and a lot of good memories came from those times? gosh, i try to hold on to that as i swallow little by little. but i must right? to get better. it's just hard, i wont lie.
but no servant is greater than the master, and Jesus gave it all for me, so i guess fighting on is a must. so i tell myself.
but praise God, i think my intestines and stomach is getting stronger ad stronger, i havent vomited for 2 days! it's progress, even if it sounds silly. i'm very greatful to my parents, and other people from church who have made buns and stuff, my parents send me food everyday, so i can avoid eating hospital food (which def will make me throw up)
so lately i've been listening to pandora.com it's an online radio, and it plays songs of a similar genre and stuff, so i've been listening to chris tomlin, hillsong, david crowder, jeremy camp, those kinda people (christian music) and singing along. it's a good stress reliever, though i dont sing well, and i'm sure the nurses think i'm insane. so i dont sing too loudly (plus i have no energy to belt out in song) once i was singing, and i just felt so relieved of my burden, i just broke down and cried and sang as i cried. i think that's an acceptable way to worship too, just coming very very bare before the Lord, i think psalms david does so, many times. it's quite a blessed time.
elder yeh brought me some interesting christian movies, so i think i'll be watching those the next few days with my mom. i'm excited. i started "this much i know" by wally lamb, given to me, like i said, by my good friend jing xi. usually during the day though, it's morning i get up brush and wash. then i lay in bed until my mom comes and then i eat rice porridge and buns. then i lay in my bed while i try to digest that, it comes up every once in a while. then i go out to walk in the halls for a very short time, but lately i'm always tired and weak. i cant even walk up straight, i'm bent like an old lady haha. then i come back and take a nap and then eat and then try to dissolve and then walk some more. then it's dinner time, and my mom helps me wash, and then leave, and then i sing my songs, update my blog, go onnline and watch tv shows until around 9pm ish and i try to sleep (with help from drugs). it's a SUPER exciting life, right? haha i'm just holding on to what i can do with my new life, when i'm out of here. thought some of you would like to know the detail (boring, yes?) of my life.
my dad told me that his small group brothers and sisters want to get me a christmas gift, how nice! we spent 20 minutes on the phone trying to figure out what i wanted. i didnt want anything, pda? no...art stuff? no.. anything electronic? nooo... but then i remembered that when i get better, i will get back to sewing and making clothes, so i thought of some useful things. maybe i'll post pictures of them later, since it's hard to explain what they are. i told my dad i'd post some pictures. but i think it's so nice for so many aunties and uncles to care for me so much! at first my dad was like 'what do you want?' "I want to go hoooooome!!!" haha.
hoping for that day! hope hope hope, forever.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
break out the cake day -1
helloooo everyone who reads, and those who read my blog (harhar)
because i'm sure most of you read...
anyways. i say break out the cake because my total body irradiation is done and officially over with, for the rest of my life (let's pray for it to be so!) so the past few days i've been vomiting and being all grossed out every second of life, which made the days very miserable and hard to get through (i'm not going to lie). i never could have possibly imagined what all of the people previous to me, and those coming after me, will have to experience, lets just pray God has mercy on them. i dont think people ever realize (i know this sounds so clique, but true) how much they have to be thankful for just to be able to swallow a bit of food, and to enjoy it at that! so the past few days during radiation, i've been praising God, praying to him, and remembering some good ol memories from my 19 years of life. i realized, ironically, that a lot of my good memories come from eating...hahaha, how sad. like how in high school going off campus every day with april nanato driving her little car, and me and linda and juliana and lisa yelling at her (mostly me) while she drives like a manic, while we go to bojangles to get our deep fried goodness. such good memories. and the time i got to pig out just once at uchicago medicial center, when my mom allowed me to order some (fake) chinese take out from some local resturant, i ate SO much, it was so enjoyable. and like how when i go to china and eat from the street vendors, and the memories go on pertaining to food. it's just really ironic, that i can enjoy it so much, and memories can be made based on how you eat, weird right? i think in psychology food makes a good memory cue. so i suppose that this period of time will be remembered as the low time when i could barely eat.
but it's okay because it's over! yay! and i do wish i could eat cake...though i can't.
my mom says that tomorrow will be like a new birthday for me, because i'm getting a new immune system! that's exciting, i'm nervous of course, about the outcome and all of that. so for all of you who have leaving comments and reading and praying for me (by the way thank you all for your comments! they make me smile, even over my queasy stomach haha and i'm very glad to meet all of you in such a strange, 21st century way through a blog, but soon through person i hope)
- pray that the cord blood will be taken in my body successfully, and that my body will not be stubborn like myself, and accept it willingly and gladly, and God be merciful
- pray that i wont have weird complications like graft verses host, or like bloody urine, or any other side effects (i'm really praying for a mircale, so i can be like my God can wow the doctors, right! i mean there is a saying that doctors are performing miracles everyday, but not like those that our God can!)
- also that i can go through this period without getting an infection, a major thing, or a fever (which is a sign of infection). a nurse told me that she's only witness 1 or 2 people go through this without a fever (meaning it's very few), but i tell her I can pray, and God can make miracles happen, so lets!
- though i dont like being in the hospital for a very long time, pray that God will watch the cord bloods engraft and that when it does engraft, it's secure, and i wont relapse or have to go through this process again. i know one girl on the floor a couple doors down, relapsed and had to come back fro the second time, poor thing.
those are the major prayer requests now, and i think what Auntie Jan Pan told me about what Uncle Robert Pan said once, "i'm here because of everyone's prayer" i think it's so true. of course prayer doesnt seem like such a big deal to me before, i mean it's something we all do, but when you pray do you actually believe the power of it? i think it's insane to think about, you know? sometimes i pray and at the same time i'm saying "God save me" i'm doubting "are you really going to God?" is that testing God? i don't know, maybe i do it too many times, and so i'm in the situation. but anyways i want to be able to believe (faith that moves mountains right) when i pray, how much more powerful is that?!
um well i'm working my way through the bible, and books people have given me, it's been going slow, because i still don't feel like doing anything these days. just laying in bed, and spending time with my mom by my side. when she leaves, i feel so lonely at the hospital, but i think it's necessary. this morning as i was being transported to and from duke south to north, i saw this kid, he/she must have been a kid, he was about the size of a 10 year old, but looked like a new born baby, all bald and little feet and hands, being wheelchaired into the radiation clinic, and i felt so heartbroken. i mean he (don't know if he's a he.. i'm just saying) looked so venerable and sad, and i think he was sucking on this thumb, or had his hand near his mouth. i just prayed for him for an instant, but to imagine going through life like that, at such a young age. sometimes i think i'm fortunate to have 19 years of good memories to dwell on during these times, but it's so not fair for those kids. i don't know what God does, but i guess i must trust Him, after all he says he will never abandon those who love Him.
so i spend a lot of time waiting, in a wheelchair, at the radiation clinic, waiting for my treatment. i see nurses and doctors pass by, laughing, and joking, and i think to myself "to be on the opposite side of hospital care is so nice, i'd rather be the nurse taking care of the patient, then be sitting here in a really uncomfortable wheelchair, staring off to the distance" i saw a bunch of nurses gathered by computers, gossiping about some other nurse who likes to flirt with doctors, and it made me laugh, but then to my other side i hear a patient behind a curtain talk about he lives at sunset valley (is that what it's called? dont know if it's a real place), and how he drives so far out here, and needs 4 to 5 treatments, and how he's taking a steriod for pain or something, and i think the two sides of health care (well just 2 of the sides, since there are a lot) are so vastly different, who besides God is to say which side you're on? anyways, just some musings.
a lot of people here think i'm a boy, because i'm always wearing a mask, and i have barely any hair, and i guess i look pretty bad. it makes me laugh. the transportation guy keeps saying "morning mr. he" or "good luck to you mr. he", haha. and this lady who's the mom of the relapse patient was talking to my mom, like "hows your son". siiigh. oh well maybe God will give me some kinda of crazy internal beauty that will like blind everyone one day, hahaha. i think i'm done for tonight.
thank you all for reading! it makes me feel like i'm actually doing something for some reason, instead of being pointless.
my savior loves, lives, and saves! praise the lord. i've been finding things to praise God for, that's the only way to live life! today i praise him for not letting me throw up, for finishing my TBI and MOVING ON WITH LIFE! how much better my life will be after this, i will be able to enjoy it tenfold more. yay!
because i'm sure most of you read...
anyways. i say break out the cake because my total body irradiation is done and officially over with, for the rest of my life (let's pray for it to be so!) so the past few days i've been vomiting and being all grossed out every second of life, which made the days very miserable and hard to get through (i'm not going to lie). i never could have possibly imagined what all of the people previous to me, and those coming after me, will have to experience, lets just pray God has mercy on them. i dont think people ever realize (i know this sounds so clique, but true) how much they have to be thankful for just to be able to swallow a bit of food, and to enjoy it at that! so the past few days during radiation, i've been praising God, praying to him, and remembering some good ol memories from my 19 years of life. i realized, ironically, that a lot of my good memories come from eating...hahaha, how sad. like how in high school going off campus every day with april nanato driving her little car, and me and linda and juliana and lisa yelling at her (mostly me) while she drives like a manic, while we go to bojangles to get our deep fried goodness. such good memories. and the time i got to pig out just once at uchicago medicial center, when my mom allowed me to order some (fake) chinese take out from some local resturant, i ate SO much, it was so enjoyable. and like how when i go to china and eat from the street vendors, and the memories go on pertaining to food. it's just really ironic, that i can enjoy it so much, and memories can be made based on how you eat, weird right? i think in psychology food makes a good memory cue. so i suppose that this period of time will be remembered as the low time when i could barely eat.
but it's okay because it's over! yay! and i do wish i could eat cake...though i can't.
my mom says that tomorrow will be like a new birthday for me, because i'm getting a new immune system! that's exciting, i'm nervous of course, about the outcome and all of that. so for all of you who have leaving comments and reading and praying for me (by the way thank you all for your comments! they make me smile, even over my queasy stomach haha and i'm very glad to meet all of you in such a strange, 21st century way through a blog, but soon through person i hope)
- pray that the cord blood will be taken in my body successfully, and that my body will not be stubborn like myself, and accept it willingly and gladly, and God be merciful
- pray that i wont have weird complications like graft verses host, or like bloody urine, or any other side effects (i'm really praying for a mircale, so i can be like my God can wow the doctors, right! i mean there is a saying that doctors are performing miracles everyday, but not like those that our God can!)
- also that i can go through this period without getting an infection, a major thing, or a fever (which is a sign of infection). a nurse told me that she's only witness 1 or 2 people go through this without a fever (meaning it's very few), but i tell her I can pray, and God can make miracles happen, so lets!
- though i dont like being in the hospital for a very long time, pray that God will watch the cord bloods engraft and that when it does engraft, it's secure, and i wont relapse or have to go through this process again. i know one girl on the floor a couple doors down, relapsed and had to come back fro the second time, poor thing.
those are the major prayer requests now, and i think what Auntie Jan Pan told me about what Uncle Robert Pan said once, "i'm here because of everyone's prayer" i think it's so true. of course prayer doesnt seem like such a big deal to me before, i mean it's something we all do, but when you pray do you actually believe the power of it? i think it's insane to think about, you know? sometimes i pray and at the same time i'm saying "God save me" i'm doubting "are you really going to God?" is that testing God? i don't know, maybe i do it too many times, and so i'm in the situation. but anyways i want to be able to believe (faith that moves mountains right) when i pray, how much more powerful is that?!
um well i'm working my way through the bible, and books people have given me, it's been going slow, because i still don't feel like doing anything these days. just laying in bed, and spending time with my mom by my side. when she leaves, i feel so lonely at the hospital, but i think it's necessary. this morning as i was being transported to and from duke south to north, i saw this kid, he/she must have been a kid, he was about the size of a 10 year old, but looked like a new born baby, all bald and little feet and hands, being wheelchaired into the radiation clinic, and i felt so heartbroken. i mean he (don't know if he's a he.. i'm just saying) looked so venerable and sad, and i think he was sucking on this thumb, or had his hand near his mouth. i just prayed for him for an instant, but to imagine going through life like that, at such a young age. sometimes i think i'm fortunate to have 19 years of good memories to dwell on during these times, but it's so not fair for those kids. i don't know what God does, but i guess i must trust Him, after all he says he will never abandon those who love Him.
so i spend a lot of time waiting, in a wheelchair, at the radiation clinic, waiting for my treatment. i see nurses and doctors pass by, laughing, and joking, and i think to myself "to be on the opposite side of hospital care is so nice, i'd rather be the nurse taking care of the patient, then be sitting here in a really uncomfortable wheelchair, staring off to the distance" i saw a bunch of nurses gathered by computers, gossiping about some other nurse who likes to flirt with doctors, and it made me laugh, but then to my other side i hear a patient behind a curtain talk about he lives at sunset valley (is that what it's called? dont know if it's a real place), and how he drives so far out here, and needs 4 to 5 treatments, and how he's taking a steriod for pain or something, and i think the two sides of health care (well just 2 of the sides, since there are a lot) are so vastly different, who besides God is to say which side you're on? anyways, just some musings.
a lot of people here think i'm a boy, because i'm always wearing a mask, and i have barely any hair, and i guess i look pretty bad. it makes me laugh. the transportation guy keeps saying "morning mr. he" or "good luck to you mr. he", haha. and this lady who's the mom of the relapse patient was talking to my mom, like "hows your son". siiigh. oh well maybe God will give me some kinda of crazy internal beauty that will like blind everyone one day, hahaha. i think i'm done for tonight.
thank you all for reading! it makes me feel like i'm actually doing something for some reason, instead of being pointless.
my savior loves, lives, and saves! praise the lord. i've been finding things to praise God for, that's the only way to live life! today i praise him for not letting me throw up, for finishing my TBI and MOVING ON WITH LIFE! how much better my life will be after this, i will be able to enjoy it tenfold more. yay!
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